True Myths about the Vitz

In my opinion, the Vitz is the worst thing to happen to Kenyan women after hair weaves. And if you’re a guy that drives a Vitz, you leave a lot to be desired as eyebrows are raised regarding your sexual orientation and that of your friends who like to chill in your mots. A lot has been said about the Vitz, and from a layman’s point of view I wish to reaffirm every opinion you have heard about this little toy.

Disclaimer: Your Dream-Car Dreams End Here

MYTH No.1: This is NOT a car

Even to the ordinary person, The Vitz looks like a hybrid of a Tuk Tuk and a Luge. Its design must have been conceptualized in a police station when a sketch artist came up with an illustration of a missing scooter, with a roof and and engine. For those who are not familiar with the Luge, it is a small sled on which one sleds feet-first and face up.

Lugers can reach maximum speeds of 140 km per hour. You probably last saw this baby in the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics

MYTH No.2: No Self Respecting Matatu Driver Will Ever Give Way to a Vitz.

I hope you are taking notes now. You can glue 50 bumper stickers on the back of that doll but no commuter vehicle will even stop to look at your new rims. And the worst thing you can ever do is place the learner L anywhere on that microscopic contraption. Even the “Baby on Board” cliche will not get you out of a roundabout. Disco ball, snake light, neon sign, police siren.., nothing. So don’t bother sticking your foot hand out to boost your rapid blinking signal. You will not change lanes until the sun sets.

MYTH No.3: Vitz drivers are not respected.

As a Vitz driver, the first and only step of action you need to take to get the respect you deserve on the road, is to buy a reflector jacket. That way, at least cyclists and riders alike will pay homage to you and not necessarily see you as their peer. You don’t need to attempt to run over a stray dog or heroically drive into a crater like pothole. However, if your Vitz is grey, you might want to park near a VW Passat. We don’t hold our ministers in high regard either and the V can be sort of misleading. Potatoe/Potato.

MYTH No. 4: Cops don’t like women that own/drive a Vitz

True Story: Just last week, a matatu driver driving on the wrong side of the road slightly scratched the paint off a Vitz which was on the right side of the road. The matatu driver did not attempt to escape. Instead, he stopped and got out of the mat to assess the damage. The couple inside the Vitz also got out. The guy had been driving while his wife was on the passenger seat. The mat driver admitted liability and even offered to compensate the couple in cash, besides (and let’s say it all in chorus) “he was driving on the wrong side of the road.” The cool husband said not a problem. But, and as it is always the case, the flustered wife was not having any of that. Even before assessing the damage, she was on her cheap phone. She first called her brother who came running to the scene like it was Pearl Harbour all over again, followed by her lawyer who said he was in a meeting, he’d call back later. And then she called her father-in-law to the utter shame of her Vitz driving husband. The father in law happened to be a former MP and he came guns blazing with 3 cops. The cops confirmed that the mat driver was on the wrong and all that was required was a paint job for the Vitz that would cost roughly Ksh.1,000, which the mat driver was only happy to pay for. By the time the tragic comedy came to an end, it was 11pm, drizzling, freezing cold and there were children who had gone to bed without seeing their daddies because one woman thinks her husband’s Vitz is a Bugatti.

Ladies, kindly learn how to resolve minor accidents amicably

Sadly, my list of reaffirmed myths ends here. I’m sure there are many more, but if I mention all of them there will be nothing left for you to write at the bottom of this post.

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