“Stupid Lamb” – Twilight Mania Assessed

Who wants to take a shot at making me understand what makes Twilight so great?

I have twice swallowed my pride, once to read the book and again to watch the first movie and both times have found myself wishing I was playing Russian Roulette with a harpoon gun.

I’m normally the first to say “When it’s not my cup of tea, I won’t drink it.” but where does one draw the line with something like this? I was in New York around the time the second(or third) movie came out(the one with the dog) and everyone was either on Team Edward or Team Jacob. They wanted to know to whom I pled my allegiance and all I could think was: is this the book about the vampire who’s attracted to a chick because she smells delicious and gives him a stiffy? You know how they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach? Anyway…

Yeah, it’s just a long drawn metaphor for abstinence full of fluffy rhetoric and pink literary stylings designed to make the teenage American girl swoon. How that ended up affecting all women of all ages is another story all together, but that aside, this whole saga is really quite twisted.

For those who are not familiar, he’s a brief recap. This vegetarian vampire, who’s thousands of years old, with superpowers like smell, sight, speed and strength also sparkles in the sunlight(I’m not making this up). One day he hits on some High School broad that could be his great great great great great great great great grand daughter for all mathematical intents and purposes. Really, what he tells her is ‘Stay away from me, I want to eat you.’ and she goes, ‘Bite me.’

And everyone thinks it’s romantic.

Some old ass shiny dude hits on a teenager and that’s cool, but I can’t even walk into my little sister’s school with a smile on without being given an evil side eye. Back to the story, we realize he’s technically not in love with her, as much as he’s in love with the idea of her, moreso the scent of her “blood”.

Now, I have to wonder whether this broad’s time of the month is 3 weeks long or whether this guy just has that good a sense of smell. Even so, isn’t there something fundamentally wrong with the notion of a guy telling a girl “I like the smell of your blood.” I’ve tried it and that’s actually where I got that “time of the month” joke from. He ends up leaving her, scared he would devour her. She’s sad. So she decides to go out with this hairy werewolf type Navaho dude who I believe was an enemy at some point. Or becomes one. Anyway, fast forward past all the silly bullshit to the part where they finally get married and have a baby. Now this super-powered vampire-human hybrid baby, is like Blade, murderous and dangerous, but a baby and white, so it’s OK. She hunts, flies, got superpowers, oh and did I mention HUNTS! She had some complicated name that sounded like a mash up between Tennessee, an Ocean floor dwelling fish and Crysanthemum. Oh, and she grows super fast. She’s talking in 7 days and fully grown in 7 years.


Please tell me I’m not losing my marbles and that somebody out these thinks this is nutty too.

Don’t get me started on the writing style of the books. I used to like Dean Koontz when I was younger because he was descriptive and loquaciously so. This lady, however, is….well… her writing is water-downed and laced with estrogen. I grew breasts reading the book.

So why am I ranting about it and why now?

Well, because they are working on the final(next) movie as we speak. The one with the cannibalistic baby and all that. My good friend got picked for the CG team some time back and she’s a huge Twilight nut so all I’ve been hearing about is how awesome it’s going to be.

And I can’t help but wonder why. What happened to good old love stories?

3 thoughts on ““Stupid Lamb” – Twilight Mania Assessed

  1. hahahaha
    would you believe…now U have got me actually salivating to read the book….not the effect you were hoping for but then again am a “Twilight” fan.

  2. Pingback: DO NOT Watch Twilight “Eclipse” « Diasporadical

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