I need to find a decent club looking for fat male strippers. And I mean fat. The type that sweat grease and pee vegetable oil; whose bellies can jiggle for days on end like the ebb and flow of a mass of water. Masses of really fatty water. And stretchmarks that look like tiger stripes. Anyway…
My reason for wanting this is so that I can audition to be their star stripper. Now, I’m not fat in the above described sense. Yes, I’m a lot bigger than most guys(take it how you want it) but I wouldn’t say I’m all lard. I work out quite a lot and played rugby for a good long while. So I have the remnants of a buff body. The muscle is still there, but it’s camouflaged and padded around the belly region.
Another disclaimer to make is that I’m not a fan of dancing. Heck, I don’t even dance when I go to a club. I stand next to the bouncer and try to intimidate people by mocking his stance. Or, I sit in a corner and watch the lady dominate the dance floor. Either way, my two left feet and I would rather not gyrate to poppy rhythms. For safety purposes mostly.
The last disclaimer is that I also don’t believe in public nudity. At any given time, I have about 4 layers of clothes on, including a scuba suit that I keep under my regular clothes. Hey, you never know man, crazier shit has happened. Don’t judge me.
So why then would I audition to be a plus-sized stripper? Firstly, the money. I need it. Badly. Someone asked me if I had change, and I pulled out the 10 Cent coin from the ’80’s. They felt so bad that they gave me money and told me I would be OK, patting my back as though I told them my puppy died. Plus, I assume people would pay big money to see us strip[/pun].
The second reason is that this would be easy. I’m guessing since I’m not terribly out of shape, I wouldn’t have very steep competition, so I could walk on stage, rub my Shakur (That’s a 2-pack for those that missed it) and touch a nipple and make a couple thousand without having to take anything off. If that fails, a stand-up routine and some freestyle raps should cover me as I exit stage right.
Third reason is food. You know they’ll have food there. In large amounts too. Whole sale quantities; Crates, truckloads, barrels and buckets of fried goods, sweets and soda. I don’t have much of an appetite, but I could probably sell what I don’t eat to a small country or something.
But the real reason is sheer comedic value. Seeing bent stripper poles and watching some skinny woman fighting for survival as she receives a lap dance from The Big Easy will make me smile and I need a smile more than I need money or food right now.
Just a thought shared this Monday morning.