ABC’s of Macking a Kenyan Chica.

Like moths to a flame, men are easily drawn to the beautiful yet deadly creatures known as Kenyan women. If you’ve ever approached one and tried to hit on her, you may know that there’s a very high probability you’ll be shot down faster than MPs opposing a Taxation on Remunerations Bill in Parliament. That’s if she even says a word to you. Many men have fallen by the way-side in their ‘love’ pursuits for no other reason than their partial or utter lack of technique. So, I’m not writing this simply because I get more a** than a toilet seat, I’m just sharing with y’all male DR readers out there, one of my many fool-proof ABCDE procedures when hollaing at a Kenyan chile:

A= Assess:
This one is highly underrated. Most men run up on women like they’re KBS’s at Kencom or something. Even in the case of a mat, you don’t just hop into any old thing; you have to first assess the vehicle to ensure the 44” inch flat screen is on and working, the sounds are pumping and there’s a newspaper on the dash in case you wanna ride shotgun and skim through it during the trip. Same thing with women. You have to observe her first, her proportions, her face, her hair, her teeth and most of all, her body language. This is a crucial skill I believe all men must perfect. You need to be convinced that she’s worth the humiliation and possible rejection you may endure in the process of macking her. Furthermore, most women in this city will only walk by you once and you’re not gonna have all day to assess the mama, so its important you’re able to quickly size her up on the spot in order for you to decide whether she’s pursue-able or you’d rather let the next n*gga get shot down instead of you.

B = Be a critic:
Whatever you do, don’t step to her looking all mesmerized and sh*t. I know its tempting to just walk up to her and ‘just say hello’ but trust me, the only thing you’ll hear after that is pin-drop silence and crickets chirping. Kenyan women don’t respond to ‘hello’s’ and ‘hi’s’ any more. So the next step after you’ve assessed the assets and her other merits, you have to pinpoint a number of things about her that are open to criticism. For instance, if you’re at crowded bar or a field during a game and she’s wearing a particular team’s jersey or if she’s rocking knock-offs of any kind or having some sort of a wardrobe/make-up malfunction or even if she generally seems insecure about her surroundings or her appearance. That’s what you need to pick up on! It has to be something you can bet she’ll take seriously enough if you call her out on it.

C= Confrontation:
This is the fun part. Most men will agree that women nowadays tend to have a lot of pent-up aggression over a whole lot issues: mostly work-related stress, relationship issues, time-of-the-month moodswings, traffic etc.. so all you have to do is tap into all this aggression in order to get a conversation going. Ok, it wont be a conversation at first, it’ll be more like a mini-fight/rant. So anyways, your point of entry will be to bring to her attention the flaw/mistake/thing you noticed about her in “B” above and confront her on it. For instance, you’re seated on the bus next to the most beautifulest woman and as you glance over at her as she texts someone she’s referring to as ‘babes’, you notice she has Liverpool FC as her screen wallpaper on her phone. So in that situation, instead of saying ‘hello’ or ‘hi’, try this: “I see you’re a Loserpool fan, you must really enjoy losing games.’ or ‘We already know your team is losing tonight, si you just take your jersey off now’ *cheeky grin*
After you’ve dropped your dose of hate/teasing, look away and pretend like she’s not even there. Experience shows that she’ll immediately retaliate with comments of her own, either by defending ‘her team’ or questioning the reason for your hateful yet sly remarks. Once you get to this point, you’re home and dry atleast as far as getting her to acknowledge your existence let alone conversing with you. As long as you get her talking, its all good!

D= Digits:
After the mini-confrontational chitchat, you can now pull the: “Ok. Let’s just agree to disagree. Btw allow me to re-introduce myself, my name is…” line. Depending on prevailing circumstances, you’ll be able to switch topics and engage in light flirty conversation about this and that. However, don’t let her get too carried away and be sure to interrupt her and get her digits. As soon as you get those digits, beep her on the spot not because you want her to have your number but mainly because you need to make sure the number she’s just given you isn’t fake.

E= Escape:
In the course of your conversation, you must identify all possible escape routes from the bar, bus or room you find yourself in. The idea behind escaping is not because you’re running away from her per se. The rationale is simply that you want her to have just a taste and not the whole chocolate cake, so to speak. So, the plan is to converse with her enough to rouse her curiosity, spark her interest, stimulate her mentally then conveniently leave. The escape is the surest way of ensuring a second encounter with her either initiated by her or yourself in subsequent sms/call conversations.

I could run through the entire alphabet but I think I’ll stop here for now. Obviously I cannot guarantee 100% success with all the very many species of women that are waiting for her knight in shining Armani to come along and sweep them off their feet. All I’m saying is that next time you find yourself deliberating about how to approach a Kenyan chica, keep what I’ve said in mind, wontcha?

11 thoughts on “ABC’s of Macking a Kenyan Chica.

  1. hhmff.. not all women respond by being antagonised..! I certainly don’t. if anyone ever pulled this on me, i’d actually ignore him!

  2. Is she really the exception?

    With all respect, and only for discussion purposes, would you have responded to this piece did it not slightly antagonise you, hence allowing misterNV to hit you with the slick line and show off his French?

  3. hehehe, i love the looong comparison to a matatu! and ya’ll have screens in yo taxis?
    some guy once tried these abc’s on me in a club… first of all can i just add: dont do this in a club. There’s nothing worse than trying to lay your game by yelling (and probably spitting on me) over the music.
    I came here to dance.
    He insulted me, I insulted back, I walked away. Doesnt always work!

    • Yeah, club macking should always be non-verbal. Always.

      Of course it doesn’t always work. But in most of those cases, the method and the equipment aren’t the problem, the operator is.

  4. I want to know the sample of women who this actually worked on. Give me x, the number. and Y, the location. I want the stats on x… their age group, their income earning group and average IQ.

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