The Soapbox: “Guns, Drugs and Porn In Kenya”

Alright, new category. I’m going to call this one “The Soapbox”. Basically, every Monday, I’ll come in here and rant on issues I feel a certain way about and then let you guys chime in. Simple enough? Today’s topics is “Guns, Drugs, and Porn”. I wanted to call it “Getting shot, shooting up, and shooting smut” but our imaginary editor thought that it was too wordy.

Anyhow, let’s get it started! © B.E.P.


Guns

Have you ever noticed how cops and militia in Kenya walk around with unholstered weapons? Or big fully automatic rifles with no strap? Not all of them, but a solid critical mass.
Where's the strap?
See, I myself was once a prolific arms owner. I live in Georgia, USA; you can buy a shotgun from Wal-Mart if you have ID. So for security and recreational purposes, I resolved to keeping only one or two weapons at most. Ergo, I’m no expert, but I know basic gun safety. They make you recite it like Biblic Verses and Qur’anic Hadiths at the range(especially since I practiced at an army base).

“Keep your finger off the trigger unless you intend to shoot. Don’t point at anything you don’t intend to kill. Don’t take it off-safety, unless you’re ready to fire.”

Blah. Blah. Blah.

It’s no mystery that Kenya police walk around ready to shoot at anything all the time. Nor that they are severely undereducated. And this was cause for great fear. So it was that a frightened young Kenyan just like myself decided to approach one of the GK security guards I had befriended here about his weapons training. This clown took my fears to new heights and joked about how the safety on his H&K G3 did not always latch on tightly and sometimes, when he fell asleep on it, he was scared he would randomly shoot something. I asked him why he didn’t get it serviced and his reply was “I’ll worry when the gun doesn’t shoot, not when it does.”

This begs the questions: are cops high on cheap supply?

Drugs

A good friend of mine just got out of jail in Florida for Trafficking Cocaine. He got 15 in the pen and 6 on paper(Translation: A year and 3 months served in prison and 6 years supervised probation). I discovered all this after he got out. See as soon as I knew what ol’ boy was into, I severed ties with him and lost his phone number. He wasn’t nickel and diming on a corner. He had what your favorite druggy would call “work”: massive amounts of cocaine. The fact that police only caught him with a few ounces is still beyond me. Anyway, while we were talking I mentioned I was in Kenya and his reaction was:

“Word, they got that good-good down there.”

Like you, I was confused and bemused. Good-good, quite ironically, cannot be a good thing. There was silence on my end before he continued to talk about “that mountain-fresh” and “that pirate product”. To cut past the euphemisms, it seems we have reason to rejoice. We have finally earned our place on the drugdealers’ map thanks to all those Somali pirates growing gratuitous quantities of narcotics cash crops in the mountains we never visit. Kenya will soon find it’s way into a popular rap song given all the nifty nicknames for our product. If drugs become that profitable, we may single-handedly cut down on pirates in the Indian Ocean and boost our agricultural and tourism industries; increasing revenues two-fold.

If drugs fail of course, we can always fall back on our pornography industry to do the same.

Porn

Kenyans have balls. I got off a shuttle near Yaya Center. Plastered on the walls were advertisements on where to get “Quality Kenyan porn”. It was like a pizza delivery service: call the number, get your pie. Homegrown goods cost more because we can’t compete with what the Chinese are putting out(in volume or production quality). Of course they come in different flavors, tailored to your kinkiest fetish. It was like reading a menu, only on a wall. And in public. And instead of choices on how you would like your steak, it was different strains of punani sauced in different ways. Suffice it to say, I was slightly disgusted and while looking for my phone or camera to take a picture, I saw a little boy, maybe 7 years old, holding up a cellphone while staring at an identical flyer that was conveniently placed at his eye level. Given that these DVD’s were being sold at 50/= a piece I immediately deduced that this kid would be the most popular boy in his school the following week.

Clap for him.

So while the cops are out here murdering in bulk instead of ensuring we don’t become the East African narcotics capital, little Kamau is at home waxing his dolphin to a tape of one of your pretty cousins being serviced by a tourist.

And yet our concern is…whether or not Raila and Kibaki are getting along and if Esther Arunga got the Finger of God from Maestro Hellon?

All due respect, let’s refocus. Leave the politricks for the politicians, the drama for the drama queens and lets focus on controlling what we can. Like raising concerns about violent police officers, overlooked drug peddling and keeping tabs on our sisters and young ones. Because whether or not a PM can sack a minister will not affect your quality of life as adversely as a cop accidentally shooting your little brother on his way to buy porn.

Just a thought on this Monday morning.

11 thoughts on “The Soapbox: “Guns, Drugs and Porn In Kenya”

  1. hehe.. strangle that dolphin young man! porn in vernac is just some other isht! you gotta love that good ol’ kenyan resourcefulness.

    PS: that Soapbox (category + pic) is def a good look. *no prints* i’ma slot my soapbox sessions for ijumaa’s.. inch’allah.

      • Bredrin, i saw a trailer of it, a while ago thanks for reminding me…These bodymore boys do not play… When i moved out here(Baltimore) first, i would hoop anywhere and everywhere. Till i became seasoned, ninjas have sicced dogs on dudes hooping…let shots ring out (over basketball), so i can imagine how worse it would be over moola…the wire captured it perfectly.

  2. Mayn, Bodymore Murdaland. I don’t mess with y’all. Really, the whole DMV (Especially PG county), no thank you. I lived in ATL and NY and still can’t get used to how quickly bodies get caught in b-more. You guys still have triple digit murder rates, right?

  3. Pingback: Gay In Kenya « Diasporadical

  4. Pingback: Why Are Guns Illegal Again? « Diasporadical

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