First off, to our loyal readers, thank you for your concern and messages. We are still active, but unfortunately, we’ve been having a few technical difficulties at the DR offices. All of which are the subject of this week’s issue of ‘The SoapBox’.
I’m a huge proponent and supporter of giving people Internet access and cable. Matter of fact, if Zuku hadn’t emerged, I’d have sold my cows and invested all the resulting capital in the same field. Kudos to them for doing us a great service.
That being said, they are idiots.
There is a way in which Kenyans have traded in their common sense for business sense. For example, a friend of mine opened a restaurant with 30 tables (seating capacity of 100) and a bar(seats 20) in a very strategic area. Big screen TV’s, DSTV, lavish decor, stocked with the finest boozes and dishes. He was smart about the marketing and publicity and building a buzz. On opening night, he had 1 cook, 1 waiter and 1 barman. 4 staff members, 200 or so people. Really, son?
That guy must be related to the clowns that run Zuku. After disconnecting the DR offices internet connection, these goons took 5 full days to contact the right person to turn the connection back on. Now, I have a background in computing and am VERY familiar with the process behind these things. Without getting into geek talk, I know for a fact that it shouldn’t take more than 4 minutes and one finger to turn the internet back on. Which is exactly how long it took eventually. But I had to wait for one of these tech goons to call me and then I TOLD HIM WHAT TO DO!
We want our money back. And we want to be paid for providing technical support to your technical support crew.
We also want to be compensated for psychological damages. You are driving us mad and driving our readers away.
Listen, Kenyans, when it’s raining and you’re in your car, don’t treat pedestrians like stray dogs. Some of you zoom and dash into puddles trying to see how many wanachi you can drench on your way to work. While that admittedly sounds like a lot of fun, it is grossly retarded. As revenge, I am going to carry a heavy duty water gun with me on a sunny day and run through traffic squirting through any open windows and see how you feel about that.
Anybody that wants to join me, email firstname.lastname@example.org. We’ll select a few targets and make these rogue drivers respect pedestrians. The road belongs to us too.
We have a Ministry of Roads, correct? And their functions, as listed on their website, include “Developing” and “Maintaining” roads and such. I think we have to take our water gun fight to them instead because clearly these goons haven’t quite figured out that 1+1 actually equals 2 and not 0. There is this thing called “Drainage”. Where you take the water off the road, and into a sewerage system, that you then filter and pass into the rivers and such. This would not only help the grossly depleted water masses in the country but it would keep our roads from turning into Aquatic parks. The other day, I saw a group of street kids practicing the breaststroke on Ngong Road. Seriously, guys, let’s cut the crap.
And also, PAVEMENTS! PAVEMENTS! PAVEMENTS! Pave them.
I don’t know how else to explain that. The reason why people walk on the road when it rains is because the sidewalks turn into mudpits when it drizzles. By the time it’s full blown rain, you need a jetski and a Hummer to navigate the sidewalk. And even then, you would fail because out sidewalks have potholes too.
So it was that today while I was walking to the Zuku offices, some driver created a puddle tsunami and turned my blue jeans brown, causing me to jump onto the sidewalk and slide into a ditch.
Laugh now, but tomorrow, it could be you.