Eff Yo’ Couch..

'One deluxe pass, on the jump off express...'

As soon as we saw UK pull up in that funny-looking cheap saloon a Passat, we all knew that the global financial crisis had finally hit home. Although his budget speech at the time was optimistic, his opening line might as well have been: ‘folks, we’re in a recession”.
Nothing, and I mean nothing has dried up a single Kenyan guy’s dry spell with the ladies more than the realization that his meager salary wont be able to get him laid ever again, ceteris paribus.
Thanks to society that continues to impose the burden of picking up the restaurant bill on us men and vindictive waiters/waitresses who insist on bringing the bill directly to my side of the table instead of placing it in the middle of the table as they bloody-damn-well ought to, the average Kenyan dude on a first date has chongad more viazis than an inmate at Kamiti.

For this reason, I don’t do first dates. Not here in Kenya. Well, not right now at least. I’m not saying that all Kenyan women insist they must be taken out to Trib= or Fairview or something. However her underlying assumption is that regardless of who comes up with the one-on-one lunch or dinner date suggestion, the guy always has the latitude to pick a place that is within this budget and he’ll comfortable with. Well ladies, I submit to you that no 3, 4, 5-star restaurant in this city is within the average youngish nairobian guy’s budget. Putting aside the reasons why he even thought to agree to going on a date when he’s cash-starved, let’s not forget that it is still a first date. He barely knows her, he wants to impress her so the arrangements he makes and the places he takes her matter a great deal if he has any hope at all of ending his dry spell.

And so, if said broke ass young man came to seek my wise counsel on how to plan his first date, I’d probably tell him the following.

The worst thing is that she’ll probably have her own car purchased for her by her parents, ofcourse but that first time she met you, she told you she was riding on the mat because her f*cking Vitz car was in the garage. If at that point, you sorta, kinda, maybe accidentally purposely gave her the indirect implicit impression that your Black Range Rover Sport HSE 4.6 non-existent car was also in the garage, she’s expecting you to show up at her doorstep to pick her up on the first date. Fact of the matter is that most Nai chicks will take the cue from you so if you used that tired old lie about your car being in the garage, you’d do well to call her up and ask her to meet you at the date spot instead. However, seeing as its common knowledge that most sons of Kenyan parents are untrustworthy, reckless speed freaks don’t have unfettered access to their folks’ vehicle(s), the next best thing is public transportation. Hoppa’s are still the in-thing so I guess you could hire one a whole row in one and then pick her up in that, right? Better still, Nissan mathrees these days have become such a comfortable way to travel especially with their padded roofs, 44’’ inch plasma screens and earth-trembling sound systems. So I guess you could hire out the whole back-seat in one, bring along your dvd collection of music videos, scoop her up then let her choose what she wants to watch on the mat.

Although the kind of places I have in mind may not have menus or cushioned chairs or public health inspection certification, they are by far the finest places to wine and dine soda na chapo karanga her. There is a very thin line between coming across as a cheap skate and inexpensive creative dating. Besides if Hollywood is anything to go by, the cheap date always ignites the romance, right? Take her to a place you feel comfortable in. The kind of place you’ve always wanted to try out but instead you decided to save your weekly pocket-money for that ‘special occasion’. It doesnt really matter if it’s a hole-in-the-wall-looking place. As long as you can afford it and its fairly decent, why not? Take her there. But wait, there’s another option for the cash-strapped nairobian. Cook for her. Invite over to your place your parent’s place and make her meal. You can cook, can’t you? Something, anything? Phew, okay then. But you may want to find out whether she’s got any particular food preferences, allergies or general dislikes you need to be aware of. The best thing about home-cooking on a first date is that you’ll have all the space and privacy to talk and get to know each other extremely well, intimately even. Although I’m not too sure whether she’ll mind you trying to get to third base on the living-room couch if she knows your family members are in the next room – but its worth a shot.

BE ON TIME. I’m serious. Be on time, man. I know its hard. I know deep, deeep down you want to be on time and things always start off smoothly then unexpected sh* always comes up and you show up an 1.5 hours late. But try to think of your first date like a job interview, you wont score any points for being punctual per se but being tardy definitely reduces your points, significantly. Trust me, you dont want to start off a date trying to explain to your visibly livid, foaming-at-the-mouth date her why you’re late arriving at a place that YOU picked and at a time YOU agreed to. Speaking of the agreed time, I would suggest you try as much as possible to schedule your date on or about the same time you’re running errands in your mother’s whip. That way, you wont have to deal with the transportation gwans associated with taking your date out and dropping her off. It’s also a really great opportunity for her to get to know you a little better and see all the mundane stuff weighty matters you’ve been entrusted with by your mother and occasionally you can double-park on the corner of Kenyatta Avenue and she can keep the engine running while you dash across the street to holla at your boyz. If you’ve got the car and your errands are within the CBD, park somewhere and take a leisurely walk through the streets, you may be cash-stricken and all but dont hesistate to take her window-shopping in a few exhibition stalls quality shops along the way.

Over to you, good people of DR, would any of the above things be deal-breakers in the books of the average Kenyan lass? What other useful tips would you have for guys taking girls on first dates here in Nai? While you flood the comments box with your thoughts, I shall be here putting together a little Obama-style stimulus package that will be presented to Treasury whereby M-Pesa bail-outs will disbursed to all needy Kenyan bachelors going on first dates within the Nairobi Metropolitan area.

8 thoughts on “Eff Yo’ Couch..

  1. I’m feeling a bit of bile from you in regards to dating Kenyan women. Tell me, what have you done and who has scorned you? And what calibre of women are you dating? I seriously beg to differ… either I am that diamond in the rough (and I like to think so, dont you DARE contradict me) or you’re just in the wrong part of town.

    • @Mwandi Dating let alone being in a relationship costs an-arm-and-a-leg. Especially with a Kenyan girl. I’ve crunched the numbers and it’s scary. You must understand, I’m an old school kinda guy. I’ll only be in a relationship with you or date you if I’m able to take care of you and spoil you, in my own unique way. And a big part of “taking care of her” involves having a certain number of zero’s in my bank account. Like I said: I’ve done the math.
      Aint no romance with finance, simple as that. Plus this whole living-under-my-momma’s-roof thing is not conducive to dating or a relationship.

      • I don’t think it need cost an arm and a leg. Yes, there will be finance involved but your potrayal of it is that its virtually impossible to have a relationship without cash. Perhaps then you need to clarify that its according to your standards :P. And well, commendable that you want to spoil your girlfriend and that, er, your living conditions hinder that (I’ve dated worse. Promise) but its not all doom and gloom. I am interested in getting a break down of this so-called math.

  2. Vic most of these Nairobi women i agree are nothing but just a bunch of good for nothing gold-diggers, who are only after the money, they want to go out and have fun, all in all with the aim of milking the poor brother dry and then hopp on to the next victim, Damn these B****es

    • Mikey, one of the most important skills I believe all Kenyan men must have is the ability to spot and distinguish between a b* and a lady. When dealing with the latter, the main thing is to show her just how special she is and that she’s worth it. If she doesnt appreciate all that the effort that you’re putting into it, then achana na yeye!
      Mr. Burns’ comment below has alot of valid points you might want to consider as well.

  3. Y’al the whole article is dope though I wouldn’t really call our ladies Gold Diggers since we talkin about grown ass ladies who’ve been in n out of relationships or simply dating circuses.the thing is we care too much about what we own that the chick will or not like as opposed to what she might bring on the table. I’ve seen folks even borrow cash just to make that fuckin first impression on a date with a chick and maybe the chick has never seen such sh*t in her life or maybe she’s seen it but on a larger scale. at that point you either a prince to the b*tch or just another broke us mu’fucker ‘tryna get into my pants’ coz believe it or not b*tchez will always want to to a step further just like Chris Rock said ‘Bitches don’t reverse back sexually’ never ever..so the article is right ob point and trust me no one is to blame for anything,not the gals not the boys it’s just how the system dictates us to do..the internet and magazine article writers who no much more than they actually do away from the magazine..
    it is what it is and we gotta live by the code people

    • Thanks for your comment, Mr. Burns. Personally I believe dating is both an art and a science.

      Although, this post was poking fun at all the things not to do on a first date, I’m glad I was able to provoke some thought on the subject of man/woman interactions.

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