Motion to ban the Wedding Show…

All in favour of the motion say Ayeeeeeeeeee

The scene is Black D’s, around the table are 2 of my boyz-we’re all sipping on ice cold Tuskers enjoying the late afternoon Westie breeze Black D’s is cool until around 9 when the sl*ts come in to look for old jungu men. We all have our excuses and alibis for our girlfriends so they won’t be bothering us tonight. In the middle of our conversation we are interrupted by the arrival of my boyz’ dates. Both are campus chicks. One was drop dead hot, she was like Halle Berry but with a**. The other one was er … well, let’s just say she had a nice personality. My date is running late and am regretting telling my gf to stay home but before I could even think of calling her my date arrives, she’s my Best Friend-we’ve been best friends for like a year now she’s hot, best friends are always hot. It’s now a full house and the conversation moves from work to the constitutional review then the health care bill (now Act) before my boy Tony brings up marriage.

Insanity follows. The girls happily start narrating their dream weddings. The usual stuff “…me I want…then I want…then I want…” My boyz n I have heard it all before so our minds block out all the chatter as we get reacquainted with our beers and start guzzling them, plus happy hour is almost over so we need to order more pints quickly (keep in mind that these are proper Nai chips chicks so we all know they aint payin for sh*t all night: up to and including cab fare, kenchick or even those Westie mayayis). As the waiter brings the half-crate our attention returns to the ladies, Nice Personality swears that she can’t arrive at her wedding in a Benz on her wedding day. She goes: “I want a chariot, with six white horses just like the ones I saw on wedding show.”

“What the f!! Girl is you crazy”—(shucks, I said that out loud). But even that doesn’t stop her. She goes on to describe how she wanted a beach wedding or at the very least Windsor Hotel.

Before she could go any further Tony and Martin stop her in her tracks. Just where is she going to get this man from? How old is he supposed to be? Coz the only chance of bagging that kind of dude would be going to Coast to seduce some old jungu tourist. But noooooooo, she insisted that she’s going to marry a Kenyan dude who also had to be below the age of 30.

Best Friend is on her second Smirnoff Ice, I quickly order 2 tequilas and we toast to our friendship. She keeps on saying she hopes that her boyfriend will stop by after he’s done with work but I have other plans—anyhow, I digress…

The worst thing about that whole marriage debate is that Nice Personality was serious, and so were the other two ladies. But lets face it, that dream wedding is overly unrealistic To begin with in this harsh economic times (Uhuru’s driving a Passat gotttamit!!) the chances of finding a dude under 30 who can hire horses and take em to Mombasa for one day is less than 5%. Seeing as the wedding is in Mombasa I guess that’s out as a honeymoon destination… so the honeymoon will probably set back the poor dude a couple more hundreds of thousands. And no offence to her but if a dude under 30 had all that cash he is probably: (a.) a dick (and)/or (b.) dating a model or 9 o’clock news presenter (no Finger of God)… But the other girl retorted that the guy also had to have a nice personality-he cannot be a dick, or a player. Huh??

So lemme just sum up what these second year university girls want: a guy under 30, can afford an Indian Ocean beachfront wedding with half a dozen horses to boot and most importantly has a nice personality—that shouldn’t be too hard, I run into dudes like that in tao all the time, LMAO.

We then raise the question as to whether she would settle for a brother who had all those qualities save for the money. Nice Personality replied that money wasn’t that important before quickly adding that he could always get a loan to pay for the wedding…wtf!!!???

All the girls then teamed up for about 15 minutes schooling us on how important a wedding was to a girl, how they had been dreaming of that big day since they were little … blah blah blah. Which is fair enough, weddings are usually the girls’ day and the groom should make sure it’s as special as possible. Be that as it may I think its safe to conclude that some of these dreams were first contemplated while watching an episode of the Wedding Show rather than while she was a little girl playing with Barbie in her room.

While the rest of the table is arguing Best Friend and I drift into our own conversation. She’s telling me about her week in school am nodding along, like a rapper sampling some DJ Premier beats, throwing in a comment here and there. The music is getting louder and louder so whenever I have to say something I have to move up close to her and brush aside her hair (weave) and whisper into her ear, my other hand is resting comfortably on her thighs (best friend privileges, am BEYOND suspicion). I throw in a loose compliment here and there, tell her how lucky her boy friend is, she returns the compliment –time for another tequila!!! Just as we down that round my gf sends a text, asking if am gonna come over to her house later-I switch off my phone…

Liquor is in the air, which explains why the argument is getting more heated up with the fellaz on one side and the ladies on the other. We try to point out that a marriage lasts several years and that the wedding is just the beginning. This falls on deaf ears “He should show me he loves me” is the response. But he’s under 30? How many years has the brother worked for? Again we are met with the “he should show me he loves me” response…

I again pull away from the argument and engage in another conversation with Best Friend (whispering in her ear and all) – I do a quick calculation-she’s had 4 Smirnoff Ices and 2 tequila’s, surely that’s enough to seal the deal? By now am telling her stories which I know will make her laugh (we’ve been ‘platonic’ pals for like a year, I know the right buttons to push). Just then the dj switches to Magic Stick-PERFECT. I tell her the marriage argument is getting too heated up so I suggest that we hit the dancefloor. (Am beyond suspicion so) She doesn’t hesitate as I hold her hand and lead her to the dancefloor. But shock of all shocks, as am thinking of how she’s gonna grind on my Magic Stick the boyfriend shows up just before we hit the floor. She’s so happy to see him and we all chat for a bit before I go back to the table, alone. My boyz also run into some problems, two sharply dressed guys-who look at least 35 (and manager like) offer to buy the girls some cocktails. The mamaz flash their Colgate smiles, thank us for the Smirnoff Ices and make off with the suits someone stole our chipppssss!!!!!!. So the three of us leave the club alone—at least we have girlfriends to go home to-lol.

All in all love can be expressed in many ways. Marriage is a long haul commitment spanning several decades (for those who are lucky). Personally, I would want to show my love by doing my part in building a home for my future family, and ensuring that they go to the schools that they want to, and to have that crib in Runda by the time am 40 (maybe 45). On the other hand, Nice Personality wants a display of love with a huge initial monetary instalment. She wants a blockbuster wedding that her friends will talk about for years. But truth be told with all the big weddings going on across the country these days the wedding will soon be forgotten. After the spending spree all that will be left will be her and her husband (and maybe some kids). Starting a marriage 2 million shillings in the red is simply disastrous. Taking out that kind of loan on a wedding is ludicrous, with a fraction of that money you could set aside some cash for your (future) kids’ college fund/s, by the time they’re 20 you could send them to uni anywhere in the world without feeling the pinch. The immediate pinch though will be felt right after the honeymoon and you still have bills to pay. God forbid  you have to tighten your belts (after that beachfront wedding) to make ends meet-eating ug and skuma for 2 straight weeks bila nyama because you have (wedding) loans to clear. And the friends you so wanted to impress? Where are they now? Living their lives, maybe attending weddings on weekends, and the next time you hear from them will probably when they ask you to join their wedding committees, question is will you still want to impress them then?

10 thoughts on “Motion to ban the Wedding Show…

  1. Hey very true and u touched the core of the whole matter. Either way i don’t think u should ban wedding shows. y? because people have to set their priorities straight and not try to please or impress every person.
    If that happened then i guess we would be a happy lot.

  2. Well I for one agree. Wedding show should be banned.(Mathe has a habit of calling me during the show, That I dont like nor do I watch it, to tell me to look at a design she likes(she is married) or to ask me when am I geting married)

    If I get married(probabilty is when my mini me turns 18, she is 3 so I have 15 yrs to save for it, lol) my budget is 50k, for snacks and Sodas na watu waende kwao. That statment often infuriates my mom and aunties all the time, lol

  3. Hahaha, sorry for losing chips funga!

    I think most girls mature to appreciate that in most cases ‘dream weddings’ are for a select moneyed few, nowadays many girls are just happy they got a dude to marry them.

    People should do weddings they can afford. A guy who considers doing a wedding he can ill afford deserves the insensitive bitch he’s marrying.

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