Someone told me writing this list was authorial suicide so I figured I’d take a stab at it.
It’s been my experience that some women out there make crappy friends. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Some would make good wives/significant others and such, but fail in the friendship department
by no fault of their own.
Here’s my little countdown list.
How to Identify Her: She’ll tell you she has issues. She’s not joking. Ask her ex…if he’s still alive.
Why she’s bad: I always thought maintaining a pulse was a good thing. Not sure why you’d want to keep a girl around that would either give you high blood pressure or get rid of that pressure altogether.
Also worth considering is the balancing act it would take to keep this broad in line. If she at anytime feels like she’s losing you, or, worse, that it’s more than friendship, prepare for a world of pain. She’ll hurt you….”because she loves you.” She’ll put you in harms way “but she was just trying to protect you.” Bad news, family. Bad news.
9. Miss Claus’
How to Identify Her: Her legs are probably open. Right now.
Why she’s bad: She can’t be “just a friend”.
Regardless of what you think or say, this chick has jumped onto everything phallic in her path, real and mythical(hence the name “Miss Claus”, you see?). Statistically, she cannot possibly be clean. That aside, she’ll probably try to sleep with you. If you’re a guy in a relationship, you lose. If you’re a single guy, you lose as well. Don’t look confused. Herpes happens, fam. And it doesn’t go away. As for you women, you can get it too. Her sex drive goes every way. Except “off”. Plus, it’s been my experience that people with open legs also have open mouths. No pun intended, I just mean they can’t keep secrets.
8.Miss Nosheefyn (Know-She-Fine)
How to Identify Her: You said “Wow”. She said “I know, right?”
Why she’s bad: Her ego will smother you where you stand.
I know a fair share of models and “vixens” from my days in photography and music videos. These broads are bad news. One of them, I met in college, before she found out she had a fat ass. We were cool then, because she was smart and engaging. But once everyone started singing praises to her posterior, her personality got suffocated by her …ehem..ego. She got used to ass kissing and she expected the same from me. No thank you. I’m not a fan and…apparently not your fried either ROLL ON!
7. Mrs. Your Friend
How to Identify Her: The ring on her hand belongs to your boy.
Why she’s bad: The risk factor.
Deny it all you want, but no good can come of this union. Aside from ending up as a 3rd wheel and the marriage counselor, you are also very likely to be the emergency d*ck in a glass. D already told you about this. Not only will you be dessert, you’ll also be the guy that knows when the husband is cheating (because he’s your boy, and he’ll tell you). This is also applicable to the ladies who are friends with both groom and bride. Just flip the script a little.
For a while, I thought that this would not be the case if you were friends with both of them individually prior to their elopement. No. It isn’t. See, there’s this thing called “a conflict of interest”. You must choose a side and stick to it. The best side, in a case like the aforementioned, is far, far, far away if you can help it.
This broad can’t be your friend. She’s addicted to money and has addictive tendancies. Everyone is a target. You would have a more bilateral relationship if you had a one night stand with a giant leech than if you keep this girl around. She may be good for some financial advice, but whatever you make, she’ll take from you. And then some. She is a useful weapon though, if you tend to have enemies so don’t lose her phone number just yet.
You know this broad. She has the IQ of a bag of wet pencil shavings. She hangs around you because she thinks you’re so smart and you can “understand people/things.” Although there is much fun to be had at the expense of this particular lady, I would suggest you leave her alone. Her stupidity will sponge off your barely adequate brainpower. Plus, she’s the worst alibi, lookout, backup anything. And she’s guaranteed to land you in some shenanigans you’d rather not explain.
Oh, and God doesn’t appreciate the kind of humor it takes to keep her as a friend. On that note…
4. Miss Overly-Righteous
How to Identify Her: For some reason, they never wear deo. Can’t explain it.
Why she’s bad: Not because they want to preserve their purity, but because they want to impede on your impurity.
This one is contentious, so I’ll keep it vague. Anybody who’s too much of a religious fanatic to take medicine when she’s sick because “The Lord will heal me” should not be your friend. She’s one of two things. Either she used to be Miss Claus (Ho, ho, ho!) or she has no personality. Ey, don’t look at me like that. Listen, it’s mathematically proven that your rebelliousness is directly proportional to the amount of personality you have. Factor in the “Friend Test” and she fails. What’s the “Friend Test”, you ask? Well, if you woke up in prison tomorrow for living out whatever your craziest dream at the time is, would your “friend” be
a) In the jail with you cracking jokes and keeping you happy?
b) High-fiving you through the jail cell bars waiting for the lawyer to get you out?
c) Bailing you out with money they don’t have?
d) All the above.
e) Praying for you.
The only wrong response is “e)”
I never(0.000001%) of the time, use the word b***ch in reference to a woman. But there are few other ways to describe this particular piece of meat. Everyone hates her and she loves it. They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. If you could send this broad packing to live on an asteroid in Saturn’s Rings, you should. Keep her as far away as possible. She oozes contagious negativity that’s bound to hurt you as well.
2. Miss Independent
How to Identify Her: She was on the phone when you met her. Work-related/business phone call.
Why she’s bad: She’s not bad, it’s just…..
Women, Ne-yo lied to you. All of you. Much as we do appreciate a lady who can take care of herself, 9 times out of 10, that extra independent mama has already committed herself to several different things: she’s married to her work, her best friend is herself, her priorities will not include us. Unless we’re bringing something to the table (i.e. furthering her cause) or are only loose acquaintances (i.e. drinking buddies). Otherwise, We are a liability and want something from her, more than likely her demise. There is still some good in her but by the time you tap into it, you’ll be more than friends which defeats the purpose, methinks.
In fact, I really shouldn’t have explained anything. It’s just an humorous opinion piece and nothing more. The fact is we all just want a well-balanced, reliable, reasonable woman as a friend. And more and more, this seems to be becoming a rarity.
Oh well. I think I’d do a list of 10 Men Not To Have as homies next week if this generates enough interest.