An Open Letter to Strip Clubs

Dear Management of backstreet strip clubs located along Kirinyaga and River Road.

I hope this finds you in the nick of time, just before another note is slipped into the knickers of one of your female employees coming down a pole.

First let me applaud you for coming up with yet another innovative idea to keep married men in the club. Indeed beer, football and political banter were not sufficient and something more innovative had to be connived to increase sales – naked women.

I agree, such ingenuity should not be taken for granted and I am not sure who among you was first to make such a bold Marketing initiative. But going by the endless newspaper ads you put up every Friday, not to mention the posters on every structure, street lamp and stump, it seems your business is indeed a viral sensation whose fire is not about to die as long as the female species is alive.

Though I am not male or sadly married for that matter, I do chance upon some of your joints just to see if indeed you will be having some Brazilian or Jamaican strippers as many of your posters openly claim. As you might be aware, I have been disappointed almost every time when I realize that the girl in the VIP area just alighted from a Ndenderu bound matatu. Nevertheless, I stick around and watch the belly-full men go crazy at the sight of unclothed flesh, a constant reminder that women are all the same when stripped down bare.

And because that is very clear in my mind, I wish to offer some sound advice on how to improve your lucrative business:

1. Kindly dress down you strippers appropriately

Majority of your clientele would probably like to see their wives naked, but that sadly doesn’t happen, which is why they are so faithful to your enterprise. Some allude to ever increasing weight defects problems, religious beliefs and the harsh effects of gravity and old age among their spouses. Personally, I just think their wives lack the confidence to just get naked in spite of /despite of all the excuses, but that’s a problem for Gertrude Mungai, not you.

What you can do however is begin by investing in appropriate strip apparel for your girls. It makes me sad to see some of them dressed in oversize swim-wear that falls off their physique in a manner that is likely to suggest that they are anorexic. I am sure, just like every woman, they would like to look their best. But since you probably pay them peanuts, they cannot be able to present glam without your support. What is even worse is that some of your girls have the audacity to gyrate in slippers, sandals and even rubber shoes! Let me not even mention the pubic and armpit hair. How such grave misconduct goes unnoticed by Management still astounds me. You really need to put in some effort in presentation. And considering you charge anything from Ksh.300 to Ksh.500 per patron at the door, some of this money should go into the wardrobe department. Kindly get your girls to look like the dream your patrons always have? And before they get on stage, have the club manager perform a ceremonial guard-of-honor.

2. Boost their confidence

So fine, your girls are not in the best profession. But they are in it, and that’s that! They’ve got to accept it, embrace it and love it. Besides, it pays the bills and saves a harassed husband or two from taking his life. Kindly ask your girls to man up, hold their heads up high and quit looking at the soiled floor. No zombie will rise from it and put a note in between their tits! That’s the pep talk you as a strip club manager should give your naked-level staff. Besides, every man wants to be in the company of a confident woman, especially when he is in a compromising situation. It makes him relax, look at his watch less often, ignore his wife’s calls and eventually drink more.

Some years back, on a random Wednesday after work, I went to have a drink at a club in uptown Nairobi. I had no clue the place had a show, so when I checked in and saw some strippers, I was somewhat surprised. Nevertheless, I sat at the counter and asked for a beer. Shortly, one of the strippers hopped on top of the counter, and went into full gyration mode. Since I’m straight, I didn’t take much notice and continued watching the FA Cup re-runs. But before I could ask for a second beer, the female in question propped her being right in front of me, legs wide apart and said: “Hi! I’m Sue. Can I buy you a drink?” She didn’t even give me a chance to stammer going into this endless yadda yadda, telling me about her child, her exam the following morning at a nearby Uni, and how she lives in a lovely apartments paying Ksh.18,000 in rent.

I liked her.

3. Ensure your girls are in shape

Not all tall women make good models. Similarly, just because a woman is willing to strip down to the bone, doesn’t mean she qualifies to be a stripper. As a strip club manager, you need to identify salient aspects of a woman applying for a job as a stripper in your club.

Her age should be a great point to start. But since gym training does not cure juvenility, just let her go if she’s not 18 yet. Why I need to mention this here is because no innocent patron of yours, out of his own volition would wish to be associated with pedophilia. It is bad for his marriage and entire image.

Once you have ensured that the candidate is of legal age, kindly find out if she bears any athletic abilities.

Such a gifted individual could mean hundreds of thousands of shillings for you since your much valued employee can twirl, twist and swing from wall to wall, floor to ceiling and counter to pole to the unbelievable delight of your clientele. Once you land such talent, you would be like Tommy Howe, in the Guinness ad, that guy who scouts Essien playing ball so beautifully. Your drops of greatness would form a waterfall.

There is so much I can write about. But I think this is enough to call for a crisis meeting. While you discuss these and other matters, consider setting aside some funds to purchase strip-tease videos which your girls can learn from.

Let me reiterate that you do play a significant role in society and with just a bit of work you are likely to be the next big thing after vernacular porn. There’s also a chance to expand in the home stag-party business or you could even be agents for your girls who are likely to be hired to feature in explicit music videos. You might even contribute to the tourism industry and make Kenya the next Amsterdam, who knows?

Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you around.

Kindest regards,

Me.

12 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Strip Clubs

  1. LOL I have been told the strip clubs leave alot to be desired got me discussing with my homeboy on the possibilites of a classier joint n cash flow then i remembered the special prayers my family may congregate to say and decided i didnt want to contribute that to society….i have ideas..many ideas, i will even volunteer to select the said females hehe. Plus a trip to Ug could offer some insight and some hot chiles hehe.

  2. Very humorous post! Very on point. I’ve been to a few once or twice *ahem!* ok, more times than I care to openly admit. Both in Kenya and in SA. The difference is that down South, it’s a very serious business. The strippers do their research and develop individual personas for their acts. Complete with attire and all that. I assume that here we tolerate threadbare underwear coz we don’t know any better!and what’s with them strippers having two layers of ngothaz, kwani ya kwanza ni PIN na ya pili ni PUK password??? That just kills the excitement. And the rudeness! “Unaeza shika matako lakini matiti ni ya mtoto!” Good grief!

  3. Lol, my issue with strip clubs is the hiring of under aged girls. Saw on KTN sometimes back a mama complaining how her 15yr old is stripping at some joint and she gets threatened for trying to help her baby.

    Strip joints just convey how much our society is inhabiting moral decay. As they grow so does porn with Kenyan women. *Shuddering at the thought of that*

    • Since we both can agree that the sex industry anywhere in the world including Kenya cannot be wished away, would you be a proponent for its regulation in Kenya?

      • Regualted yes I would but the problem with it is that young girls will always be exploited and sickens me. We need to get rid of porn industry.

        Again to each on its own, but am buying a gun for any idiot who comes near my baby girl, her father am sure wil do the same.

  4. i have been to strip joint twice *ahem* one uptown and one downtown. The difference is very very clear.
    One…a guy needs to be comfortable…so having a stripper who is lookin at ur expensive N95 more than she’s dancing hardly calms the nerves…
    Reminds me of my pal at the downtown joint..so he’s getting a lapdance (for free) a little tittie action (for free) so when his hands wander downwards the stripper stops him and says “eeeh sasa hapo tumefika Pesapoint” LMAO!!!

  5. Pingback: Co-wifeying Is Back! « Diasporadical

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