Looking For A Church Woman To Settle Down With?…Think TWICE.

Nothing beats a Soul Nite at Carni, especially a Super Soul Nite. This past one was even better since the boyz were celebrating Pete’s new promotion. He’s now on 300k a month, which is not bad for a dude under 30 in Nai. He tells us that he now wants to settle down and start a family (he’s moving up in da office, his business ventures are looking up and his crib is now fully stacked up). This is a big moment since we’ve all been hitting the scene hard since around ’99 and Pete’s been the biggest P.I.M.P in the crew. He then adds that he’s gonna start looking for a mama from church (how many times have we heard dude’s in da club make this statement?) as we all nod in agreement as we scope some of the talent on show.

I leave the convo and start chatting up some ‘yellow-yellow’ at the bar. She’s got all the right (physical) features but she’s drinking Sprite, off the bottle (this is Carni, at 1 a.m…). The convo is a bit icy…she’s a 3rd year BCom student at N**** University and she’s telling me how busy she’d been all day in church-she’s a church (youth) leader at that funky, happening church in South C… Clearly this is not funga material so before I bounce I try a longshot and ask her if she wants to dance. She says no, she’s too tired. That’s usually my signal to leave but before I head off I point out that her Sprite is almost over and offer to buy her another ‘round’ (surely, how much can a sprite cost?-even in Carni, plus it’s jus after end month so I can still make it rain). She say’s yes and orders a triple Vodka and Red Bull??? (Typical Nai chips chicks behaviour) I give the bartender like a K 2 soc and continue the convo with the mama but she spends most of it guzzling that proportion of my salo (I’ve never seen a triple vodo n red b downed so fast…). As soon as she’s done with the drink she’s eager to dance (clearly Red Bull gives you wings) I still wish she had told me before hand that a dance costs like a K, sometimes I wish that I had the balls to deal with professional langaz-at least they’re more direct i.e:pay this much if you want a dance, a ** will cost u an extra …. On the dancefloor she pulls some Crazy ASS moves that were a Blessing to me. After that we took the stroll to Kichaka and got to know each other better. Now that’s what I call money well spent, 1,200/=…that’s even cheaper than K Street, I think. I quickly say goodbye n rejoin the boyz…

Pete says to me: “you see that mama u just met n took to Kichaka, after spending a bit (A BIT????) on her drinks? That’s what am doing away with, am getting myself a church woman and starting a family”… I quickly reply that that was/is a church woman, as church as it gets (she’s a youth leader in her kanisa!!!!!!!!!!!!). In fact if he had gone to that church earlier in the day he might have caught her giving her devotion to the congregation and asking the youth to shun the temptations of today (like bruthas at the bar offering to buy em drinks).

So fellaz, here’s a few reasons why you shouldn’t go to church to look for that ‘wife material…

Firstly, she might be just like you i.e. she’s played the field, played dudes n been played (a dude who plays a mamaz on the regular is a playa, or P.I.MP, a chick who does the same is a h*e—it’s a double standard I know…deal with it!!!), had one night stands etc and now she’s hoping to run into a dude who’s not like the one’s she’s been dealing with in da past. So don’t be shocked if you start going out with a mama from church who claims to have been saved since she was 16 and yet she can £$*% a $&!$ with no hands (a very impressive skill I might add, aka hands-free)…she didn’t learn those skills from Song of Songs btw

If she not in category A, she’s probably saved for real. Much as that may tick all the right boxes as far as a future mother and wife are concerned chances are that she will suck in bed. And to make it worse she probably wont let you hit during the courtship period—ati she’s njogeaing for the wedding night. I for one do not see why a brother earning 300k in Nai should resort to w*nking while he’s waiting for such a mama to give it up…It probably costs between 3k-5k, maybe 6, to get the average Nai chick into bed (dinner, sambazaing her airtime, paying for her (and sometimes her friends’) drinks, cab rides etc…) so a brother on anything like 300k pm should not be relying on Vaseline…

The last category would just be a kawa mama who may or may not be loose but goes to church anyhow, either because of parental/relative pressure or purely out of habit.

So, clearly it would be hit and miss to declare such a mama as wife material. Clearly there is no formula for picking out who is wife material, and who is not based on whether or not they go to church coz as we have seen loose mamaz (and jamaz) do go to church. It would have been much better if loose mamaz all were all too hangover on Sunday mornings to go for service —leaving that to the very saved mamaz; that way us guys could fool around with those club mamaz from when we’re like 17 to about 30 when we’re ready to settle down-then head for the saved ones (if u can get over the poor sex—and despite that you can always cheat on ur wife with a club mama…)…. On the other hand who said that club mamaz cannot make perfect wives and/or mothers (heavy COUGH!!! COUGH!!!! COUGH!!!!)

14 thoughts on “Looking For A Church Woman To Settle Down With?…Think TWICE.

  1. LOL this is so wrong yet true. Ey church is for sinners people go there to ask for forgiveness for sato night and M-F hehe. That said tell your buddy to quit tripping church chile cliche is sooo old and clearly doesnt work anymore. What he needs to find is a chile he is attracted to, then likes to hang with, get to know her and then settle if she qualifies for wife. She can be found in church, club, on the street, nice lounge etc wherever he kicks it if the gods favour him!!Good luck to the bratha

  2. Lol,
    The chick you picked just used the church line because you looked kinda dumb to buy it.
    Funny that you did.
    Me i will go for the church lady anyday not the langas in carnival who are part time harlots…

  3. Lolest, church is the easiest way to get a drink from a man, men love the conquest. The whole ‘I spoilt a church’ little do you know I was spoilt way before. Used it once in campo woke up feeling like a little devil on the high note the guy looked like Omari Hardwickq so I the feeling lasted for a minute

  4. I hate stereotyping. Same thing with the whole virgins debate. Some church women will make worse wives than rehabilitating a woman off Koinange Street, and vice versa.

    Men should stop being lazy and seek out character, instead of assuming church is a ‘boma’ where all women are good and you can make your pick.

    • LOL, so true. Most Kenyan men seem to be in the market for a maid and broodmare rather than a companion. So they seek this idealised version of a Madonna whom they have nothing in common with, and a shitty marriage is born.

      The men keep langaing away and drinking with the ‘boys’, while these ‘paragons of virtue’ stay home breeding and taking care of the children they seldom see .

      Grow up folks.

  5. True but even more true, guys are all looking for excuses to never have commitments, even if he found the “perfect” mama, he still would have issues.

    They think its cool, “misunderstood” or whtevea to have problems of commitment. It sucks!

  6. and still no one is tackling committment phobia from any perspective. before buying cars, u read about cars, before u buy watever gadget u fancy, u read about that gadget u fancy, hell they even come with a user manual

    why the hell wont anyone get/read a commitment manual???????
    “a plaque on everybody’s house!”

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