Most men can separate sex from love.
Most women can’t.
I recently watched Nicholas Cage’s Lord of War. I’d bumped into it before, but I didn’t pay attention until my Sailor recommended it. I’ll watch just about anything he tells me to – I trust his taste. After all, he’s with me *cheeky grin*
One of my favourite lines in the movie is when his wife asks him to stop doing what he does because they’ve made enough money.
Nick: It’s not about the money.
Trophy wife: Why then?
Nick: Because I’m good at it.
I can’t explain the brilliance of that line without a spoiler alert, so just watch it. Another cool thing about the movie is that Nick does despicable things, but you end up defending him. You feel it’s not his fault.
One of the things he does is cheat. Many, many, many times.
I don’t know why men – or women – choose to be unfaithful. I always thought it’s about greener grass, or maybe just grass. It’s about looking for what you don’t have. It could be the cheatee is taller, shorter, fatter, thinner, huskier, squeakier … or just more flexible than your regular partner. After all, you could be a beauty queen, but you can’t compete with a girl that can do it with one leg raised 180 degrees from the ground.
On some twisted level, it could be about respect. You can do things with a paid date that you can’t do with your loved one. I mean, I’d like to see the lawyer that can convince [or would dare to even ask] his wife to put on gravity boots, scale the wall, and do a little lollipop while hanging upside down from the ceiling.
Plus, sex, at the basic level, is physical. A guy has no conscious control of his soldier paying attention. Granted, he can decide whether to feed it or not, but he can’t actually tell Junior to stand down. No matter how much a man loves you, if he’s sitting on the couch minding his own business and Janet Jackson comes prancing on stage, you really can’t fault him for getting … excited.
So let’s say he’s at the pub, or the office, or whatever, and a little Janetty secretary/barmaid/stripper/waiter/lapdancer/randy random female prances past and suggests a quickie. In his woman’s mind, he should ignore his … uh … anatomy, and bring it home to her.
But home is hours away, and the wood can be – um – softened – in minutes. Probably seconds. The Janet goes on her way, the guy goes on with his day, and all goes well if he doesn’t yell ‘Janet’ later that night. Right?
Of course if roles were reversed, and it was the girl getting her hungers fed, she’d be called a … word.
Players are drawn to the game by adrenaline, the rush of sneaking around, the knowledge they’ll never get caught. So, supposing you let him sneak around? As long as he’s discreet, doesn’t soil your new sheets, and doesn’t bring anything home [skanky women, babies, STDs], and as long as he does his dues with you, no beef right? It’s what governs polygamy – as long as all women’s needs are met, nobody should complain.
And now that it’s no longer sneaking around, the excitement is gone, and Mr Player just might lose interest in playing. Maybe.
But my real reason for cutting the leash is that few men mean to cheat. They don’t even count it as cheating. It’s more like a snack. Dude was hungry, a candy bar presented itself, he ate it, he came home. If he threw away the wrapper and it didn’t spoil his appetite, then it’s all good, right?
Also, I hate being lied to. And one way to avoid being lied to is not to ask questions that prompt lies. Questions like where were you, why was your phone off, who is Jessica Baby, is that lipstick on your shirt? Live, let live, stick with boundaries, nobody cries. And you’ll save so much energy if you don’t keep scrolling through his phone and calling up the random girls listed there.
This arrangement, of course, relies on mutual respect. It assumes that the man loves you, and wouldn’t madha you by servicing a girl while you watch. It’s a trick our mothers learnt early, which is why they chuckle when we leave a man ‘because he was unfaithful’. Many mums will say ‘He’s a man. Live with it.’
I had this conversation with a pal recently, and was amused at how easily I accepted that the ‘snacks’ meant nothing. I wondered if I’d be equally accepting had the snacks in question been nibbled by my own man. I still wonder if it’s okay to let him stray as long as he ‘keeps it quiet and brings nothing home’.
A few years ago, I’d have told off my pal and demanded he be faithful to his woman, no matter what. Today, I talked to the pal and said ‘use gloves, don’t get the skank pregnant, and whatever you do, don’t let your girl find out.’ I wonder if that means I’m growing up.
PS: More Janet…
Disclaimer: This is all theory, so don’t call me on it. I’m just saying.
♫ Lips of an angel ♫ Hinder ♫