7 Things That Will Happen Because of The 7-0 Portugal Victory

The man who started it all
In case you missed it, Portugal just butchered North Korea with a massive 7 to nothing final score. A victory like this is not without consequence and the team here at DR took some time(not a whole lot) to analyze and compile information(i.e. brainstorm) and bring you the 7 things this outcome means. With no further ado…

7. North Korea’s population will decline dramatically.

The People Republic of North Korea

Not pictured: Their tombstones

Anybody even remotely affiliated with this result that has not yet vacated their residence in the People’s Republic of North Korea is leaving now. Bear in mind, they don’t allow live broadcasts of TV there, so people still have a little bit of a window of time to pack their belongings up and migrate. Likewise, anybody outside the country may end up never returning. Which means the next census(or do they do headcounts in communist regimes?) will be notably shorter(no pun). Also related: the South African Korean community will grow.

6. Portugese Airports will be on High Alert
North Korea Missiles
For a while too. That wasn’t just a regular ass-kicking, they dished out a marvelous thrashing that was so elegant some people on the PRK squad forgot which camp they belonged to and applauded it. Not good. N.Korea has an affinity for testing long range weapons. This is not the time to bully them in other fields.

5. Cote d’Ivoire will start packing their bags
Cote D'ivoire Drogba
Because in essence, at this point, they need to beat Korea by a 10 goal margin and Brazil needs to thrash Portugal by an 8 goal difference for them to qualify. Not happening.

4. Saudia Arabia will play less shamelessly
Not pictured: 3 more goals
…especially if Portugal doesn’t win the Cup. Remember when they conceded 8 goals against Germany? Man, that was funny. I mean, sad. Either way, it stood as the poopstain on the throne of World Cup anihilations. Germany went on to almost win the World Cup(home advantage, South Africa, that’s what you do with it) and Saudia Arabia went on to sulk. And suck. The shame never lifted. Until now. This is the new definition of World Cup brutalization. Korea, take the dunce hat and go stand in the corner.
Stupid North Koreans
…or sit.

3. The Big Teams will try and outscore Portugal
Maradona Messi
Not to be outdone, the other major squads will start playing more boisterously. The floodgates are now open. Recall that it was not until Germany shafted Australia 4-0 that Argentina came through with a 4-1 win, and Brazil did their thing as well…twice, and then Portugal did this. It’s an escalation factor. Everybody wants to win something this time of year. There are still a lot of games to play; somebody will try and go for 10-0. My bet? Maradona’s squad. Because you know Diego won’t take this lying down.

2. Portuguese Jersey Sales will go up
Ronaldo Goal

To be quite honest, I’m yet to see anyone wearing any Portugal gear. But just wait and watch; Ronaldo jerseys will be the new craze. Especially in this city of bandwagonners.

1. Brazil vs. Portugal will be the game to watch
Brazil vs. Portugal
Oh yes. Yes. YES! This will be like watching two leviathans fist fight – gloves off – on Table Mountain. It will be epicly glorious. Brazil fresh off last night’s massacre and Portugal still swimming in today’s bloodbath. This will be the game to watch, period.

Brazil vs. Portugal 2010

Friday night, right? Tune in. Grab some popcorn and put the kids to bed. This is as close as we get to a game that’s “guaranteed” to be good this year round. Don’t miss it.

11 thoughts on “7 Things That Will Happen Because of The 7-0 Portugal Victory

  1. Wawawa! Best post match analysis. The one on tv is still on and it is not as hilarious. Good job analysing. Let’s see Brazil trying to upset the scores!

  2. I missed that match but felt the spirit via Twitter updates.

    Friday is going to be huge. I’m not a football fan (far from it), but Brazil’s dancing (they have a way of dribbling) convinced me that this is something I gotta see over and over!

  3. Quick correction, Germany after the 8-0 kuonyoa Saudi Arabia na wembe bila kutumia maji, did not win the World Cup.
    Great analysis and on Friday i have to be there to see 22 men gore each other.

  4. I am a German supporter and I am pretty sure they didn’t win that world cup…they were 2nd runners up…remember the famed headbutt…Italians too currently being crashed here…yeah..it was that world cup. Still…I love this analysis.

  5. This post has me all wet waiting for the Brazil vs Portugal match. Superbly written, snugly fitting references…an altogether 7×0 type post this. Gewdstuffs!

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