This post is dedicated to Kenyan Christians, especially those who continue to make a reasonable living out of their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, by praying for them and rendering other ‘Godly’ services that would otherwise be considered free.

It is also dedicated to the Christians who have put all their faith and trust in their church leaders, never questioning their cheerleader’s actions and faithfully following their teachings like blind sheep (by Jove! Could that be where the word ‘flock’ comes from?)

But it is also dedicated to you who’s having a hard time choosing a church where you can worship, as if God suffers Multiple Personality Disorder. Like really, what part of ‘the same yesterday, today and forever’ do you not understand?

Without further undoing, we begin:

Give More Than You Earn

To be able to do this, you must see 10% to mean 1,000% when called upon to do so. This will mostly occur when your church wishes to undertake a certain project, whose progress and completion you may never witness.

Your cheerful giving will also be called upon when you have a problem.

See, some church cheerleaders do not minister for free. Therefore, do not be surprised should your pastor, bishop or apostle suggest that you give a substantial amount of money for him/her to pray for you.

Such requests are usually made in five or six figures. So if you belong to a Sacco, Merry-go-round or have access to Loan facilities, be prepared to fork out a large chunk of money that doesn’t belong to you.

The “open sesame” lines your pastor will most probably use are “God loves a cheerful giver” “Give and it shall come back to you, press down, shaken together and running over like a latte”, so look out for that.

Situational Unawareness - How To Kill Yourself and Benefit Someone Else

Always Have a Problem

Especially for those of you who wish to join or are already members of a church that’s hell bent (pun intended) on the Prosperity Gospel. Church isn’t about worshiping the good Lord, thanking him in praise or just being inspired by his Word. That’s so 2000BC.

Today you ought to have a have a ‘Get More’ attitude, especially for more dough. But beyond that you are required to fast and pray (not work) for super perfect health, the happiest marriage, the best job, the biggest car, the friendliest in-laws and all other manner of superlatives.

As long as you are saved, your pastor is likely to make you believe that you should not be weighed down by problems. It’s the unbelievers, those badass sinners who should be suffering on this earth. Not you

But should the devil (poor dude, who’s blamed for everything even when you catch HIV while fucking around without a rubber), chance upon your perfect utopia then this is what your pastor is most likely to tell you, especially on National Television.

“You are cursed! (put famous Pastor’s accent here) Uko na laana! Mapepo yamekuingia, yamekuzunguka na kukuzingira! Shetani hataki uendelee!”

What to do? How do you solve this flu curse? Pray of course!!! Which takes us back to Step 1.

So church becomes a freak show and for hours on end, your pastor is cursing out solvable problems. In the line at the front of the church a woman screams and drops to the floor, writhing on cold concrete while the “demons” are cursed out of her flesh. Her “ curse?” She cannot give birth. Of course she blames herself for her short coming, yet all along the problem lies with her illicit-brew drinking husband and his low sperm count, if any.

Divine Euthanasia - Get Some Today!

But let’s pose for a minute, how many of these televangelists ever tell their congregations to get a medical exam for some of these “curses”? Did I hear none? But don’t they read from the same scriptures that say “My people perish for lack of knowledge” Step 3…,

Pray Like You Can’t Work

You will also quickly come to learn from your Pastor that God has no intention to see you suffer on this earth. Your Pastor will also present himself as living proof of God’s blessing – from the car, to the clothes, to the house, to other dealings.., oh sorry even to the Pulpit (how could I forget the pulpit?), your Pastor will definitely have the blessing swag on.

Of course he/she will tell you that you will attain the same wealth that he/she has attained. That the flood gates of heaven will flood you with more than you can possibly suck up. But as the years wear on you will come to notice that God is not too quick to “bless” you as he is to “bless” your pastor, which takes us back to Step No.., you guessed it – ONE!!!

So you approach your pastor and he/she says that he/she can pray for you.

Which leads me to ask a number of questions:-

  1. Where did people get the notion that they cannot simply talk to God? (especially without shouting at him?)
  2. When did prayer become a complicated affair? (is it when people started hollering at the top of their voices and disturbing the rest of us who like to pray quietly?)
  3. What makes people think that their pastors and bishops have a direct line to heaven?
  4. And when did God start speaking only to pastors and bishops and not to Christians as as whole? (what part of we’re all equal in his eyes do people not get?)

Ask your pastor these and many more questions next time you see him/her. But don’t be surprised to be kicked out of your his church in the name of Jesus. Amen?

Don’t Ask, Just Tell

Once you have totally been brainwashed by you pastor, make sure you tell your friends and family about your pastor’s church, the wonderful exploits he/she is capable of performing and how your friends can also become beneficiaries of these exploitations.

As you go on and on about your newly found super-hero pastor (aka Supastor), you may not realize it when you omit such important details like how you now have a better relationship with God; how you are able to pray for yourself; or how you’ve learned to accept with grace God’s testing of your faith, without considering such testing as a curse. This omission is not any fault of your own, because, as you will come to find out, that part of your discipleship registers little if any development (unless of course you are the pastor’s wife)

You will also realize that you are not allowed to question your pastor’s authority or opinions.

Say if he chooses to ban trousers in your church, you can’t question that. If she is found to have rigged her way to a parliamentary seat, you best shut up while she gives you an opinion about the proposed constitution. If he chooses to run for presidency, a move that may pit you in a conflict of interest since you have no intention whatsoever to vote for you pastor, you don’t get to question that either.

Learn How to Fight

After all is said and done, some of your fellow church members will graduate from Fool’em Church and choose to begin another Fool’em Church of their own. Now, this break away faction will not go quietly as they need a large congregation to go along with them. Another reason why the splinter group will not go quietly is because the shame of being ex-communicated might be too much to bear (wsup, Wilson Malaba!!).

This state of affairs will probably lead to a fight, one that is very likely to turn bloody. The best defense is to learn how to protect whichever Fool’em group you choose to stick with. It might also land you on the Soapbox and you don’t want to miss that Big Brother Spotlight now do you?

In conclusion my brothers and sisters, I’ll just let you in on one Sunday School teaching that might help you:

Read your Bible, pray everyday and wait upon Him.

23 thoughts on “HOW TO BE A MODERN DAY CHURCH MEMBER IN KENYA – The Complete Guide

  1. I’m a regular church goer and this is my take as far as church today is concerned:

    Church is a product, placed and marketed like any other product. I am a consumer and therefore go to church not because I believe my pastor will solve my problems or lead me to God, or even perform miracles (or prophesy/fortune tell, whatever), but because I like the stuff they teach in there. Makes my PERSONAL relationship with God flourish.

    Do I have a problem with the fact that the Pastor earns more than I do? Nope. He’s done a good job marketing his product, he should make money off it.

    I gave up on the belief that men of God are humble, feet washing servants a long time ago.

    I could be wrong, but pragmatism has saved me loads of stress.

  2. Pink aka Kellie has pretty much said it all. Nittzsah, this post together with the one you did on blood-sucking, money-swindling wedding planning committees a while back are a must-read for the general public! I thought we were doing bad, apparently things in Naija are on another level!

    PS: Your selection of pics… awesome! HAHAHA

      • I’m told Naija churches are now big business in the UK and the US. Talk about taking it international. I wonder if they have a ‘pay per miracle’ tariff.

  3. Posts like these are the reason I follow this blog! Big up DR.

    My two cents: Ignorance and mob mentality will be the death of Kenya. We’re all fortunate to be educated so we can see right through the façade and the charades of all these hypocritical hooligans calling themselves men and women of God. But the masses remain uneducated and therefore vulnerable. I’d love to see more NGOs take up the role of educating people on how to read and understand the bible for themselves because clearly even this basic fundamental task cannot be entrusted to our church leaders any longer.

    • Word girl.., I always wanted to start my own NGO! Thanks for the tip. I just hope we’re not called missionaries 😦

      • @AnonyMiss Point taken but instead of committing more NGOs, let’s leave “God’s work” to church groups and other faith-based organisations, shall we?. Better the devil you know, as they say (pun intended).
        As for NGOs, a little more civic education at the grass-roots and championning the rights of all Kenyans would be nice.

  4. crazy, it actually amazes me that someone here thinks they take the stand they have because they are “educated”
    “We’re all fortunate to be educated so we can see right through the façade”
    come on! its your bias that’s against the believers, the justification that education has anything to do with it is rather obtuse.
    pick the bible and read it yourself, not reprint the bias of bigoted ungodly people, evidently just because church leaders hold a different opinion from you, you’ve made it a personal goal to smear their belief in God, whats more scaring you seem to be getting a kick out of this vendetta.

    • Are you scared Mikey? Are you? That’s sad.

      Anyway, last I checked, the oldest student in Kenya, remember him? The late Kimani Ng’anga’
      Maruge enrolled in Primary School at 86 just so that he would be able to read the Bible for himself.

      How cool is that dude!! When a guy way older than you figures as out that to “read” the Bible and understand it, he must be “educated.” Hope that helps clarify your contradictory statement “the justification that education has anything to do with it is rather obtuse. Pick the Bible and read it for yourself..” (Personally I’d learn Braille if it’d helped me read the Bible better)

      As for “reprint the bias of bigoted ungoldy people..” You said it. We didn’t. I certainly did not say that any religious leader is bigoted or ungodly. If you think that of them, then cool. I hope you get a kick out of labeling them so.

      Finally, I do not have a personal goal to smear “their” belief in God. Jesus Mike, I believe in God too!!! I think He’s a cool guy which is why I talk to Him anytime I want to. What I do have a problem with (and yes I get a kick out of this vendatta) is seeing these religious leaders hawking God out to people who won’t read the Bible for themselves. And if I hold a different opinion from theirs or their trade, I will damn well shout it from the rooftops so everyone can stop and hear me. Just like you did. Thanks once again for reading bro, you’re the best 🙂

      • I agree with both Kellie and Nittzah,
        The problem is that people are too LAZY to do it themselves?\
        Do what? Read the bible, claim the promises that are there for them!! and not through the Pastor….
        I talk to God and I went back to church after many (ok not so many )years of cynicism. When I did I did watch a whole lot of the TV ministries but for me everything had to be backed up…
        Imagine my shock when an international religious figure who I had heard of since I was a child, quoted something that WAS NOT in the bible.
        I was listening because I was suspicious of the topic anyway, so when he quoted the verse, I checked it out and IT DID not exist!!
        Then when the camera panned to the audience they were listening with rapt attention. Not one of them even turned to their bibles….
        Sasa nyinyi mtasaidiwa aje?
        Even Jesus said in the last days there will be many false prophets. That Kenyan fear of questioning what they are taught or even rogue religious leaders is what will be their downfall. Read the bible, know it like the back of your hand.
        The reason why so many get away with nonsense under the guise of religion is because you… yes you don’t even know what is right or wrong as per the Good book.
        So tell me again what were you saying?

      • yeah I forgot to say the whole point of my rant is this…. going to church makes it easy for those of you who are too lazy to or just not willing to make the effort into building your relationship with God…. It’s your relationship…really if you rely on other people well….yeah…you’ll be easily misled and it’s no one’s fault but yours.

  5. Good thing the Bible knew there would be scoffers and mockers long before you were born. Others spit on Jesus and mocked Him to His face. Sorry pal, You are a couple of millenia too late.

  6. Thats way I stay a catholic for the rest of my life. Its kinda wierd that its mostly women that are pulled into such sh*t is it because we gulliable or just plai stupid? The bible says something yet the churches do differently. Am yet to understand the logic behing giving your church your kids entire school fees because pasi mwas said itakuwa double, lack of logic or just plain stupidity?????

  7. Religion is one big business…N the juice is tax free. Wonder if modern day pastors can rock it the way JC did…Well, they cant. He was only God, wasnt he? u wud question my stand on present day church or religion for that matter, but i need to change my name here 1st. am not mimi n it wud be arkward addressing me by that, now that kuna mimi mwingine hapo juu. nice bloggin though…dont visit my blog yet, it needs a lot of work…

  8. Those saying they have no problem with their pastors making more money should remember the church is not a business. Remember when Jesus safishad the synagogue grounds of those who had turned it into a market? This nonsense of Prosperity Gospel should be castrated, stapled, bundled, and put into molten lava together with those who preach it. Now I was brought up to believe prayer should be simple and straight to the point and you sure as hell do not need to go through anyone else to get to God. Jesus never charged for a miracle nor did he drive a Benz, live in the best house or ask for money so he could have his people living good. Its amazing how gullible people are.

  9. 1. Going to church for me, is a social event. Meeting friends since days of Sunday School.
    2. There is a humongous church that has just opened near my hood, and curious enough it has no cross visible anywhere, whether on the roof or walls. I started noticing also that the new churches coming up nowadays have totally omitted the cross. Just an observation.

    • Ah.., what does a cross have to do with anything. This is business. If they could replace that cross with a currency sign, they would. Ni vile tu.

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