This post is dedicated to Kenyan Christians, especially those who continue to make a reasonable living out of their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, by praying for them and rendering other ‘Godly’ services that would otherwise be considered free.
It is also dedicated to the Christians who have put all their faith and trust in their church leaders, never questioning their cheerleader’s actions and faithfully following their teachings like blind sheep (by Jove! Could that be where the word ‘flock’ comes from?)
But it is also dedicated to you who’s having a hard time choosing a church where you can worship, as if God suffers Multiple Personality Disorder. Like really, what part of ‘the same yesterday, today and forever’ do you not understand?
Without further undoing, we begin:
Give More Than You Earn
To be able to do this, you must see 10% to mean 1,000% when called upon to do so. This will mostly occur when your church wishes to undertake a certain project, whose progress and completion you may never witness.
Your cheerful giving will also be called upon when you have a problem.
See, some church cheerleaders do not minister for free. Therefore, do not be surprised should your pastor, bishop or apostle suggest that you give a substantial amount of money for him/her to pray for you.
Such requests are usually made in five or six figures. So if you belong to a Sacco, Merry-go-round or have access to Loan facilities, be prepared to fork out a large chunk of money that doesn’t belong to you.
The “open sesame” lines your pastor will most probably use are “God loves a cheerful giver” “Give and it shall come back to you, press down, shaken together and running over like a latte”, so look out for that.
Always Have a Problem
Especially for those of you who wish to join or are already members of a church that’s hell bent (pun intended) on the Prosperity Gospel. Church isn’t about worshiping the good Lord, thanking him in praise or just being inspired by his Word. That’s so 2000BC.
Today you ought to have a have a ‘Get More’ attitude, especially for more dough. But beyond that you are required to fast and pray (not work) for super perfect health, the happiest marriage, the best job, the biggest car, the friendliest in-laws and all other manner of superlatives.
As long as you are saved, your pastor is likely to make you believe that you should not be weighed down by problems. It’s the unbelievers, those badass sinners who should be suffering on this earth. Not you
But should the devil (poor dude, who’s blamed for everything even when you catch HIV while fucking around without a rubber), chance upon your perfect utopia then this is what your pastor is most likely to tell you, especially on National Television.
“You are cursed! (put famous Pastor’s accent here) Uko na laana! Mapepo yamekuingia, yamekuzunguka na kukuzingira! Shetani hataki uendelee!”
What to do? How do you solve this flu curse? Pray of course!!! Which takes us back to Step 1.
So church becomes a freak show and for hours on end, your pastor is cursing out solvable problems. In the line at the front of the church a woman screams and drops to the floor, writhing on cold concrete while the “demons” are cursed out of her flesh. Her “ curse?” She cannot give birth. Of course she blames herself for her short coming, yet all along the problem lies with her illicit-brew drinking husband and his low sperm count, if any.
But let’s pose for a minute, how many of these televangelists ever tell their congregations to get a medical exam for some of these “curses”? Did I hear none? But don’t they read from the same scriptures that say “My people perish for lack of knowledge” Step 3…,
Pray Like You Can’t Work
You will also quickly come to learn from your Pastor that God has no intention to see you suffer on this earth. Your Pastor will also present himself as living proof of God’s blessing – from the car, to the clothes, to the house, to other dealings.., oh sorry even to the Pulpit (how could I forget the pulpit?), your Pastor will definitely have the blessing swag on.
Of course he/she will tell you that you will attain the same wealth that he/she has attained. That the flood gates of heaven will flood you with more than you can possibly suck up. But as the years wear on you will come to notice that God is not too quick to “bless” you as he is to “bless” your pastor, which takes us back to Step No.., you guessed it – ONE!!!
So you approach your pastor and he/she says that he/she can pray for you.
Which leads me to ask a number of questions:-
- Where did people get the notion that they cannot simply talk to God? (especially without shouting at him?)
- When did prayer become a complicated affair? (is it when people started hollering at the top of their voices and disturbing the rest of us who like to pray quietly?)
- What makes people think that their pastors and bishops have a direct line to heaven?
- And when did God start speaking only to pastors and bishops and not to Christians as as whole? (what part of we’re all equal in his eyes do people not get?)
Ask your pastor these and many more questions next time you see him/her. But don’t be surprised to be kicked out of your his church in the name of Jesus. Amen?
Don’t Ask, Just Tell
Once you have totally been brainwashed by you pastor, make sure you tell your friends and family about your pastor’s church, the wonderful exploits he/she is capable of performing and how your friends can also become beneficiaries of these exploitations.
As you go on and on about your newly found super-hero pastor (aka Supastor), you may not realize it when you omit such important details like how you now have a better relationship with God; how you are able to pray for yourself; or how you’ve learned to accept with grace God’s testing of your faith, without considering such testing as a curse. This omission is not any fault of your own, because, as you will come to find out, that part of your discipleship registers little if any development (unless of course you are the pastor’s wife)
You will also realize that you are not allowed to question your pastor’s authority or opinions.
Say if he chooses to ban trousers in your church, you can’t question that. If she is found to have rigged her way to a parliamentary seat, you best shut up while she gives you an opinion about the proposed constitution. If he chooses to run for presidency, a move that may pit you in a conflict of interest since you have no intention whatsoever to vote for you pastor, you don’t get to question that either.
Learn How to Fight
After all is said and done, some of your fellow church members will graduate from Fool’em Church and choose to begin another Fool’em Church of their own. Now, this break away faction will not go quietly as they need a large congregation to go along with them. Another reason why the splinter group will not go quietly is because the shame of being ex-communicated might be too much to bear (wsup, Wilson Malaba!!).
This state of affairs will probably lead to a fight, one that is very likely to turn bloody. The best defense is to learn how to protect whichever Fool’em group you choose to stick with. It might also land you on the Soapbox and you don’t want to miss that Big Brother Spotlight now do you?
In conclusion my brothers and sisters, I’ll just let you in on one Sunday School teaching that might help you:
Read your Bible, pray everyday and wait upon Him.