DO NOT Watch Twilight “Eclipse”

Twilight Eclipse
We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to issue this important public service warning.

Twilight sucks.

I’ve already explained why I have an issue with Twilight as a franchise; long story short, it’s insulting to anyone with half a brain and/or testosterone levels or male loins.

I would never, of free will, watch said cinematic abortion; any of the 3 parts. But alas, I have a vindictive niece who can hold grudges longer than fundamentalist terrorists. So it was that I found myself at the tickets and concession stands watching her buy the tickets (Yes, I let my niece pay. I have standards.) as I ran prayer beads through my fingers asking God to tell Scotty to beam me up before it was too late.

When the nice lady behind the counter asked if I wanted anything to take with me in the movie, I said I’d like a sharp razor blade.
She repeated while giggling “Food or drinks. Something edible.”
I said “I was going to eat the razor blades. But now that you mention it, I’d like some cyanide to wash it down.”
She was less amused “We don’t have cyanide or razor blades.”
“Fine.” I exhaled. “Then give me some battery acid and a plastic spoon so I can scoop my eyes out.”

My niece dragged me into the room with the loudest “Nkt” ever heard to man. This was the beginning of the end. All I could hear while walking in was the stone mason chipping my name into my tombstone.

“Here Lies iCon: The First Man to Die From Sh***y Cinema.”

You know what firing squads, hangings, guillotines and lethal injections have in common besides being gateways of legal murder? They promise imminent doom in such a fashion that the suspense and terror are both flat and bland. Think about being blindfolded up against the wall, or with a noose round your neck, or your head in a guillotine brace, or strapped to a chair, waiting for the Reaper wondering whether he’ll tap your shoulder or just slap the bejesus out of you. Either way, you’re sodded. This movie was like a combination of all the above; I was in a chair with nowhere to turn waiting to lose my head and for the certain painful death that would ensue.

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The movie begins with the sparkly vampire guy turning down that chick that’s been wanting to bone him since he threatened to eat her and then abandoned her. Why she still thought he was a dream man is something only the patient, desperate and naive can comprehend. Anyway, they’re lying there in the grass and flowers talking about sex and marriage. Then some stuff happens in the middle of the movie and there’s one cool scene where a vampire gets decapitated and glitter spills out as a werewolf gets bearhugged and that chick stabs herself(I’m really not making this up). Anyhow, at the end of the movie, guess where they end up? Right back in that damn meadow having the same bloody conversation they were before. Nothing changed. For 2 and a half hours – about 2 months in their timeline – NOTHING CHANGED!

Seriously?

Woe be the literary mind that actually had to review this book; the movie is supposedly better than the book but I fail to see how. Especially since this book is really just the author lady penning some fantastic wet dream she had.

Stephenie Bella Swan Meyer

The only thing worse than this would be getting castrated with a hot salad fork or having to artificially inseminate two crocodiles and a hippo at the same time. Actually, that last one pales in comparison to the outlandish ridiculousness that is this “movie”.
None of the people in the movie can actually act(which is why I called them “people” not “actors”). The plot is thinner than greased baby hair and so basic that that the baby in question would probably have walked out halfway through asking for a refund. The effects are basic and the cinematography is … All in all, just gawful.

But that’s not why you shouldn’t watch it. The reason why NOBODY should watch this movie is because you are putting money into undeserving pockets. Stephenie Meyer is yet to pen one interesting sentence; Robert Pattison has the emotional range of a comatose earthworm, that redheaded chick looks like a bird trying to swim and that werewolf dude looks like an alpaca.

Jacob Llama

And none of them can act, yet all of them earn more per movie than the kingdoms of Lesotho and Swaziland see in a year.

My fear is that if we keep giving Steph et al. money, she’ll get it into her head to make more movies or write more books. Likewise with those faux-actors. And that, really, is no different than re-electing current government officials: it’s pricey and counter-productive. And the movies are actually dangerous to one’s health. I stumbled out of that theater bleeding from my eyes and ears but after a few nights in the hospital, I survived.

Now, with renewed purpose in life, I pen this letter.

Dear World,

We have 2 options. We can chalk Twilight-mania up as a misguided hormone driven miscalculation, count our losses and move on so that real books can inherit the spotlight.

Or we can round up all the concerned parties and leave them in Roman Polanski’s basement for the next decade or so.

Either way, this must end.

Thanks
DR.

This does not apply to anyone under age 16. You guys can watch whatever you want, ironically.

26 thoughts on “DO NOT Watch Twilight “Eclipse”

  1. OMG!! You just killed me!! Hilarious I swear.

    So here’s a compromise.. I won’t watch it big screen.. Will get those 50 bob CDs.. In fact, this is a public service since it will help a Kenyan earn money from downloading the movie and no money to Stephenie Meyers!! Deal?

  2. I have laughed till I’m crying. But I am over 16 and I love, no IN love with Twilight! Read and re-read the books. Watched and re-watched the movies. And for the record Eclipse (the book) is better than the movie. But its Twilight and the love remains! Yes baybe. 🙂

  3. I’ve read all the books and I must say the movie have nothing on them. Yes I agree with the unrealisticness of the movie but it’s fiction! I’m going to say something here that might come haunt me in the future: I actually liked the books, the movies: well lets just say I was more engaged with the lady I was watching them with:) But this post is bloody hilarious, I actually teared up:’-D

  4. Heheheh thanks iCon, it’s been a while since I read some good Twilight Hate-Lit. It’s the best part of this crazy mania!

    Actually, just to see the decapitated head spew glitter, I might watch. And Taylor Lautner/Werewolf boy is hot bana, so I’d watch for the eye candy alone… it’s like dudes in the 80s watching fake horrors just to see Jamie Lee Curtis’ ribcage [padding] ;D

  5. Haha, it actually hurts from all the laughing! And the razor blade and cyanide snack is perfect, wish somebody had recommended it when i watched another movie called ‘Legion’

  6. I have never watched or read any of the Twilight anythings (Thank God) although a friend was telling mejust how captivating yada yada the books were.

    I worked at this bookshop once and the fact that only teenage girls came looking for the books guaranteed that I couldn’t ever read them. It certainly doesn’t help that they are about vampires.. c’mon!

    Anyway, I pray for the day I don’t have to see any of them Twilight kids on TV, magazines, movie screen etc. And you are so right about the uber-boring Robert Pattinson.

    Jeez did we have such poor tastes as teens? I did have a raging crush on Bobby Brown…. Ugh! nuf said.

  7. I wish I could mince my words here. I tend to be tolerant and all but:

    Any male human being above the age of 18 who even REMOTELY relates to Twilight is 100% GAY!!!!

    My goodness, reading this post gave me traumatic flashbacks of when I watched the first Twilight movie under duress. I nearly lost my life in those 100 or so minutes.

    Twilight is the kind of crap that Crap craps…

    That is all…

  8. Totally disagree, love Twilight books and movie (books are definitely better) but laughed my ass off! And any guy who would brave those feelings to go see it for his niece (don’t deny it Mr. Nice to young girls under 16…hmmm…) is okay by me!

  9. I was dragged to watched this. Can’t believe the hype this thing gets. And how crappy a movie it is. “When In Rome” was even better than this. And I rate it at 3/10.

  10. Ati your niece holds grudges longer than fundamentalist terrorists LMAO!!!
    I know u wanted to watch that movie iCon dont use the niece as an excuse hehe.
    Nice post…ok lemmme go find my dollar movie on redbox thats as close as i can get to 50bob pirated version

  11. What can I say about Eclipse. It was like watching a bunch of robots trying to infuse emotion in a movie…it didn’t worked. Kristen’s character came off as disrespecting and selfish..Was all of this really in the book? Should I even bother borrowing the books from the library to find out what is going on?

    • DO NOT BORROW THE BOOKS! In fact, if someone gives them to you, put them in a bag and shred them.

      The person, not the books. Although I guess you can shred those too.

  12. Since this seems to be something of an open confession, here’s mine. I watched all three (not in a cinema, though) and I prefer twilight. I felt that in NM and Eclipse, the white pasty makeup was meant to be a supporting actor!! It was too much. I haven’t read the books but web consensus points to them being much better than the movie, though I use the word ‘better’ very loosely. Apparently the books aren’t much to write home about. So, how do these sub-par books end up on the New York Times best-selling list, again?

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