My Ushenzi/Uungwana List

The Soapbox is finally proving educative thanks to the Uungwana Initiative Campaign. I applaud the people behind this effort. It is truly a step in the right direction and I believe if we continue producing stuff like this, we might finally get rid of the Wedding Show.

You’ve probably seen the clip with the guy drinking all his money away while throwing vibes at a female waiter, only to go home hours later to a house with no food and a hungry child and wife. Then there’s the dude that spits in public, and the one washing his face, nose and mouth into the sink of a bar. There’s the chic that doesn’t quite dispose her ice-cream cup into a CCN dustbin and doesn’t bother to pick it up either. My favorite is the cab driver who returns a handbag fully loaded with Ksh.50,000 to a customer who left it in his taxi after dropping her off the previous night.

As part of its campaigns, the Uungwana Initiative has been airing short clips on TV whose objective is to re-instill in Kenyans long lost virtues such as honesty, reliability, dependability and integrity. These virtues have little to do with the law. A married man cannot get arrested for hitting on a female bartender or for getting wasted on the money that is meant to feed his family. Though his actions do not constitute an illegality, they are wrong, hence the PSA’s.

But when you think about, this is stuff that shouldn’t be told. Why should common sense be taught? How can you not be conscious of your bad behaviour? When did it become acceptable to blow your nose into a public sink or spit in public?

But yo, at the risk of sounding like my mother, I just wish to add to that list already on TV and by jove, someone better produce clips to this effect:

Pedestrians Crossing When They Shouldn’t Be

Someday, someone is going to die, crashed to pulp by a car moving at 5km/hr. Dear Pedestrian, be warned.

It’s appalling to see pedestrians walk in slow motion when the traffic lights go green. And when a motorist attempts to proceed at the change of the lights, some stupid pedestrian gives him/her a bitch sneer and killer eyes. One gave my pal the finger, I mean seriously. Where is the City Council when you need them to arrest such small-minded, two-legged adults?

If that ever happens to me, I’d knock that pedestrian down and stop just to make sure they are dead. And if they are not, I’d reverse the car and make sure I’ve finished what I intended to do at the first attempt. That done I’d gladly drive myself to the police station and report the incident. I hear it’s easier to deal with a court case regarding a dead pedestrian than a live one that keeps demanding compensation for self-inflicted injuries.  Yeah, I said it.

No, shush! Before you shout in protest, remember. There’s a good reason why the IIEC chose Green and Red as exceptionally perfect symbols to be used in the forthcoming referendum.

So listen, I’d stop for a herd of cattle, scratch that.., I’d apply emergency brakes for an ant attempting to cross the road, before I stop for a grown up, able Kenyan crossing the same street when he/she should be standing on the curb. This goes especially to those of you that make a habit of crossing Moi Avenue at the point between Galitos and Stanchart, without any regard for the motorists using the same avenue. Note, drivers have important places to go to as well. If you have to be taught how to use the road, then you shouldn’t be on it.

People That Stand Too Close To You In The Queue

What will it take for banks, supermarkets and Electricity House to erect signs saying:

“Kindly Maintain a 30cm Distance Between You and The Person Standing In front of You”

Even still, why do you need a sign telling you to keep off a stranger’s skin? C’mon, it’s annoying, it’s disgusting and it is in no way healthy. You’ll catch Tuberculosis, Swine Flu and Ebola at that distance.

I’m at the queue at Tuskys ‘Commercial’, and this guy joins the queue a skirt’s distance behind me like a second ass. I move to the side, and he shifts in the same direction. I try to move forward, but I bump into the lady ahead and I’m forced to move behind only to bump into the guy’s boner. Pissed off, I turned around and asked him to step back, seeing there was no one else behind him.

Scenario 2: My gal pal told me of an incident that happened at Nakumatt City Hall (formerly Woolmatt). Dude approaches a queue and stands a breaths distance to this young lady, achieves a boner in no time and starts wanking it off through a hole in his pockets. Guys, you ought to realize, you don’t know what women carry in their handbags. Someday, someone is going to lose their nuts at a supermarket till.

People That Stand at Doorways

Doorway (n): an entrance or exit to a building or room, especially one that has a door

That definition says nothing of podiums, cocktail tables or bus stops where people stand to talk. Doorways are meant to be clear of human traffic. You’re either going or coming, NOT standing; whether to talk, or think or tie your shoelaces. Do that elsewhere.

Kindly, for the love of progress, do not stand at

  1. Bank entrances
  2. Matatu/Bus doors
  3. Hospital doorways
  4. Toilet entrances

Someday somebody will get knocked over and fall face first on their teeth.

I like to say “excuse me”, but I’ve noticed some people, especially the ladies, take me to be rude, after which they give me the bitch stare. So I’ve taken it upon myself to tell people that stand at entrances and exits to kindly get out of the way. Hell, if you think “excuse me” is rude, then I guess “you’re standing in my way” would probably work for you.

This one also goes out to those people that walk in an execution line on pavements. College girls, walking slowly in groups of 4million, you stand accused. So are female colleagues going back to the office after your lunch break, talking about Nancy’s weave, and Paloma’s wicked aunt from one of those useless Soaps. If you have to walk in packs, walk in single file. You know, the way wildebeest migrate? Download a photo and practice. And remember, there are lone rangers like us with places to go.

Men That Eagle Spread Their Legs In a Mat

No matter how many calls Maina Kageni receives every morning to update him on this disgusting traffic situation, nothing seems to change. Guys, let me tell you the assumptions women make when you have your legs spread so wide, it’s like Moses just parted the Red Sea.

  1. You have a venereal disease
  2. You have a boil in your nuts
  3. You are very unintelligent
  4. I wouldn’t do that even if I was dead

Someday, I’m going to shove my elbow between someone’s legs, and then watch as those legs slowly come together.

27 thoughts on “My Ushenzi/Uungwana List

  1. your reaction to pedestrians really cracked me up and you zeroed in correctly on the most offending junction in Nairobi. Pedestrians are the main reason I don’t miss driving in Nairobi anymore add matatus and jams etc.

  2. When it comes to jay-walking, Im guilty as charged and dare you even hoot at me or threaten me by rev’ing ur engine.. utaniona!

  3. Hahahaha…..
    I am picturing you elbowing a guy in the nuts….LOLest…in this day n age of “liberalization” he may figure that you swing that way….hahaha

  4. take a photo and practice. v. funny

    As a motorist i hate those pedestrians on the offending junction.

    as a pedestrian, i just wouldnt care about you as a motorist, matter of fact i know your car has ABS so eh —-

  5. Sometimes when we are queuing for the matatu and I’m sandwiched between two young (I stress young) ladies, it’s worth the torture.

    But when it’s an old mama… that’s a recipe for disaster.

    In retro, I don’t walk behind a woman for too long especially end month because she might get paranoia and once she screams “mwizi, mwizi” in the middle of the Nairobi’s concrete jungle, idlers would bay for your innocent blood.
    I also don’t overtake a woman on the side where she carries her handbag. I fear she might think I’m interested in the contents.
    Finally, never ever, walk near a fast walking woman. Her hands might hit you on your two balls accidentally. Men know how much pain it feels when the two balls get an unexpected hit.

  6. C’mon no one gives pedestrians right of way in nai hence the offences haha
    I cant stand the whole thing with queues its just nasty n yes i carry a pretty sharp small sword in my jeans ey man its not safe out here haha
    And thank goodness someone is teaching commonsense!!!

  7. One day, I’m gonna do something in revenge to the drivers who splash pedestrians with water during rainy seasons.

    I’m thinking of carrying some stones with me and if the driver splashes water as I’m walking, then I throw the stones aiming at the windscreen. If I hit and it breaks, the driver will, of course stop, and I’d already have scattered!

    Quiet a brilliant idea, isn’t it?

  8. I was at KPLC’s Adam Arcade paying my bill and this guy behind me in a queue was so close that I wished I had practised donkey kicks since I had told him to keep a distance and he didnt heed and the kicks were the perfect way to keep him a distance.

  9. I loved this post. I have to admit though, that I’m one of those annoying pedestrians who gives killer looks if one attempts to hurry me 🙂 You left the category of those buggers who try to squeeze themselves in when a mat is already full. Just wait for the next one, it will no doubt come a few minutes later, geez!!

    And how about those idiot motorists who splash dirty water on pedestrians? Yeah, Mburu, I feel you kabisa!

  10. I would like to share this on our website, which seeks to inform people about these same issues.

    What does it take to get permission to copy the above, as well as even show your short commercials on our website?

    With your permission, we can even take this information nationwide

  11. On jaywalking pedestrians… There ought to be a law. In my opinion, any individual that happens to be run over while partaking of said behavior should be held responsible, not the driver. Ironically, it reminds me of goats, one crosses the road and the entire herd follows! There is however, a big difference between goats and human beings so I would sooner stop for goats, squirrels, deer, dogs…well, you get the picture.
    On personal space, some people just have no idea.

  12. It was refreshing to watch Ken Njiru on K24!!!!! Ken i need to meet you! Kenya needs change. Enough is enough. We can do it. It’s about time we all got with the programme and started doing right by ourselves and by GOD.
    People- politics is about doing the right thing- that which will live on into the future.
    We need a peaceful national revolution- one of our minds and hearts, that can change forever our country in 10 years.
    Ken- how can you be reached, Mr. President?

  13. i salute u Njiru Ken for the initiative to see before we are doomed so should we hate all the nails on the head because better hit an bend for it shall have held firmly that leave it an it falls all support u as much as i can … even making use of that bin in the matatu beside alighting at the bus stop…..

  14. that deserves an applause! Now for the makangas who are always keen to support fly mama’s as they board the ma3’s so as to get a feel of their tender muscles, huo si ushenzi?
    As well as those who promise you when ur boarding the mat ati wanafika Commercial halafu before wafike railways wanapindua gari. Huo ni ungwana.

  15. “Even still, why do you need a sign telling you to keep off a stranger’s skin? C’mon, it’s annoying, it’s disgusting and it is in no way healthy…”
    I share your sentiments completely!

  16. I HATE THIS. Those people who fill they are very conscious of being late to extent the board an already full matatu.This is even more terrible in the evening when every one is having his/her day sweat on.

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