When Kenyans Discovered Sex

I was at a urinal the other relieving my bladder of their day’s duty when I noticed that the guy 2 pots down from me was yapping on his cellphone.

Now, I know it goes against bathroom etiquette to do so much as pay attention to any other guy – especially at a urinal – but it’s the combination of who it was and what it said that caught my ear.

For fear of lawsuit, I’ll just say that it’s someone relatively famous, substantially older, that you see on TV quite a bit. He is definitely married and I think I schooled with one of his kids almost a decade ago. Yes, that old.

What did he say? Well, he said “So what time do you get out of school?”

This would not have been alarming were it not for what immediately followed.

“..and what time did you tell your parents you’re going home?…Good, then we have [enough] time.”

My head turned so quickly that I think I inadvertently sprayed some stray drops into the adjacent pisspot. He then continues to tell this girl(because the alternative is that it’s a young boy, which..honestly, I’d rather not think about) that his driver will be there to ‘bring her to him’ so that they can ‘have a little fun’.

While I would like to dwell on the fact that it is both bad potty and celly manners to chat on the phone while peeing, I think I’ll skip to the bigger issue at hand at the time. And I don’t mean my hand, although that is a pretty big “issue”. Hi ladies..

Contrary to immediate assumption, what struck chords in me was not the fact that an older guy was digging in the fresh-out-the-oven cookies hoping not to get burned. That’s been happening for quite some time re: centuries. It’s not even that it was happening in Kenya; we’re notorious sugar daddies round these parts. What had me wincing was that this was not the first awkwardly blatant sexual advance I had been privy to in the past day.

Heck, not even the past hour.

You see, there was a reason I was in the little boys’ room. While sitting at the table having a late lunch with the rest of the office, two of my co-workers began whispering sexual taunts to each other.

“I will [do something to] you so [expression of force, accuracy or duration] that you will [exaggeration on what will actually happen].”

Now, they were married so this shouldn’t have been uncomfortable. What did raise some discomfort though was that they weren’t married to each other.

Hold on. But it gets better.

So I decide to ignore them first before I finally get up and walk off. While ignoring them, I did what comes to most people naturally: I checked and replied to SMS’s. Whilst doing so, I uncovered very…uh…special messages sent from several – and I repeat – several different ladies. Now, to the best of their knowledge, I was engaged to be married – although I’m not. I just say this to eliminate most advances and such. It’s not an ego thing, I just don’t have the time. More on that later. The point being, I was looking at what read like a Brazilian weather report – lots of descriptions of hot and wet conditions – while listening to adulterers flirting and watching some random couple make out in the distance.

I’m not against PDA. But I do believe there is due conduct for every one of our vices. Just like you do not snort coke off a Cancer patient’s smooth head or light blunts with cathedral candles, you do not engage in PDA without some kind of discretion. I mean at least make an effort. I know the hormones are like demon spirits possessing one’s soul, but dammit, we are not apes. Control yourself and find a dark corner like we used to in the old days. Or at least wait till nightfall. Jeez.

In my frustration I got up and began walking to the bathroom asking myself:

“Is it just me or are Kenyans lately on a little bit of a sexual overdrive?”

People are acting like they just discovered sex. It’s very teenage, very erratic behavior that seems to only have peaked in the past few years – this one more than others. My uncle says “There’s something in the water.” and laughs about it but then again, his daughter has a curfew and 2 brothers to watch her. He knows it’s no joke.

Meanwhile my friend at the bathroom was washing his hands, whistling “The Dell and The Cow” and damn near tapdancing at the thought of his recent acquisition. I stood there, holding my now drained member and began having a talk with iCon Jr.

I said: “Junior, don’t ever rush into anything or make rash decisions. Take your time. It’s a dangerous World out there. So many diseases, so many carriers and so little to protect us from it all. You’ll have to forgive me when I don’t listen to you. I’m doing this for your own good. Really, my own good. These Kenyans have gone crazy and I think we need to sit this one out before we catch Super AIDS or have babies.”

Then I zipped up and walked to the sink and began mentally preparing myself for all the sex out there.