Kellie once called me a “relationship blogger“. Behind closed doors, I vehemently denied this because I strongly believe that I can not and will never understand women enough to understand relationships. I’m still trying to figure out men – and I’m one of them so that should tell you something.
So it was that about a week ago, I was speaking to my close consigliere as she pondered a question I had heard one too many times escape the lips of an innocent woman.
“Why did he leave me?”
Men have this obnoxious tendency – and excuse my French in advance – of fucking up a good thing. In this particular instance, a man she had opened up to emotionally, who had reciprocated the same; a man who held her hand as she drew up blueprints for the future they would undoubtedly build together stopped holding her hand and all but vanished when it came time for construction.
So now a heartbroken lady tries to understand why a man would do something that can’t possibly be justified. She asks all the all-too familiar questions: Why would he hurt her? Does he not care? Was this all a lie? She tries to find answers.
And that’s really the wrong way to go about it.
Dear reader, read this sentence carefully: Man can never understand women just as woman shouldn’t try to understand men.
Think of it this way: men are 2-dimensional and women are 3-d. When a man looks at a woman, he sees the 2 dimensions he immediately relates to; the ‘face value’ of the lady. He can’t possibly fathom that extra depth – that extra dimension – because to him it does not exist. He should therefore never try to wrap his head around the glorious mysteries that be the lady but accept her for who she is.
So too with the woman looking at her man. For as long as man will not have that extra dimension, women will keep looking for something that simply does not exist. Trying to understand why it isn’t there is nothing short of futile. Accept us for who we are; simple misguided, unpolished, raw.
But alas, if it were only that simple. That may be the general state of affairs, but there’s also the additional aspect of external factors: what pushes us to do what we do.
A friend once hypothesized that the root of women’s motivations was external whereas that of men was internal. i.e. Women are more likely to be influenced by their surroundings, entourage, family, work on relationship matters; whereas for men it’s really all about the voices in our heads and the feeling in our guts.
While I cannot speak for women, I do think that holds true for most guys. When the chips are down, it’s hard to convince a guy to do something he doesn’t think, believe in or feel. And weirdly enough, tapping into our instincts is something we are yet to master. So we fall slave to our irrationalities; being hung by the question marks and whipped by the fears.
What does this have to do with the man who left you?
Well, let’s put it this way: If it doesn’t make sense that he abandoned your relationship, then there probably is no sound reason other than “that’s how he felt at the time.” Whatever factors and excuses may be piled behind this justification have little or nothing to do with their ultimate outcome. There are no means to the end, just an end.
And for that, ladies, we’re sorry.
But a word of advice to ladies and gents alike. Honesty is not the best policy because people hate liars. It’s the best policy because it’s the only way to lead a life that makes sense. Be true to yourself and you’ll be surprised how seldom you cower behind your fears; be in touch with your feelings and you’ll find pain hurts a lot less; be clear on your motives and you will see that you relate to the world better; communicate and accept and – even though you may still not understand why something happened – you won’t waste your life dwelling on it.
Because life is to short to stare at someone’s back getting smaller in the horizon.