When The Elderly Need A Spanking

Old woman fight

The Nation TV News Broadcast on Saturday night began with a scene of old ladies getting teargassed during a peaceful protest in Riuru. There was a lot of talk of “shame” and “horror” as though the act of opposing old women on a warpath was condemnable by death.

Oh no, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think anyone should go around kicking vintage asses just to make a point. Especially this particular group that appeared to be so entirely innocent. I do however sometimes question just how innocent the elderly are. You see, my greatest concern is that they have immunity – Carte Blanche, even – by to do whatever they want without repercussion, virtue of their age. And I think they know this…

Case in point, last week I found out that Devil does not wear Prada; unless Prada was the name of the dead animal this particular bag of bones was wearing. I spotted her down the hallway outside my office talking down to a younger woman. Then she looked my way and I felt a sudden chill sweep through me; like Death was in the air. I could almost feel Darth Vader breathing over my neck. I scurried back into my office and prayed.

I could still hear her chewing off her “assistant”s ear. The poor lass was already carrying all the bags, while taking notes and SMS’ing people for her boss. I couldn’t figure out how she did all this with only 2 hands while still not falling victim to the evil spewing out of the old lady’s mouth-hole.
The Devil Wears Prada

After getting an acidic earful of instructions that included more threats than an Osama Bin Laden tape, the youngish assistant decided to set off. You could almost hear the relief in her voice when she realized she was about to escape. That relief soon turned to fear and the whole building went dark when the assistant noticed she needed to ask for bus fare.

{disclaimer: transcripted conversation may not be 100% accurate}

Little Lady: Please, Gracious Mistress of Darkness, please grant me the equivalent of 50 Kenyan Shillings to fund my commute so that I may do thy bidding.
Old Devil: Hmph! 50 Shillings? What is 50 Shillings. Argh. I don’t keep that kind of change. [reaches into purse that assistant is carrying and then throws a 1000/= note at her face]. There that should be enough!
Little Lady: [while bowing] Oh, thank you so much. You are so gracious! Thank you so…
Old Devil: SILENCE! [lightning crackle] Look at you. You’re pathetic. You’re the type to borrow clothes from me and then drive your Vitz to an upscale scarf boutique just to be around cool people. Be gone!

I’m not even sure I completely understood that insult besides the fact that it was painful. Neither did the lowly assistant, apparently, as she stifled tears and pain and walked away slowly. Now, I’m not saying she should have roundhouse kicked that old lady into a wall and then given her a vicious uppercut and knocked her dentures into the back of her mouth while screaming “Eat an old d***, old b****!!”

All I’m saying is that if she did it, I would understand.

Stinkmeaner fight

The day after the horror story on NTV, I was waltzing down the gritty back streets of our fair city zoning out to the loud vocals of Jonas Brothers Hannah Montana Notorious B.I.G rappin’ in my ear. Suddenly, some archaic fossil of a creature decided my music was too loud for his liking and snatched the headphones off my head and then began yapping loudly at me. Now, I don’t care who you are, that’s just disrespectful. If he was a street kid, I’d have knocked his jaw loose. I mean, in my mind, I had this gran-guy in a figure-four leg lock begging for mercy as I banged his rotund belly with his walking stick.

But in reality I was just standing there staring at this old man mouthing off recklessly – bad breath and thick saliva everywhere – as bystanders gathered, presumably waiting for me to do something stupid. I thought back on the cops gassing the grannies and the pathetic assistant being walked over by the Devil’s wife. Then I wondered which of the two I would rather be at the end of the day.

I decided to be neither. I wiped the shock off my face and stood tall, stared bemusedly at this psychotic old man and yanked gently at the headphones’ cord, popping them out of his hands.

Then I whispered “Go home, old man. You’ll be safer there.” as I turned and walked away.

7 thoughts on “When The Elderly Need A Spanking

  1. It is a shocker that people who demand to be respected do not want to act in a way that would justify the respect we normally accord to them. Someone might just “short” his brain cells and force them to act after a respect-induction activity similar to the one you would have performed.

  2. Some old people can be so nasty, and hide behind the fact that they get automatically respect because of their age. the young lady should have knocked those dentures out.

    Sure life is hard when you’re old and sickly, but we all have issues, it’s no excuse to be mean to people

  3. Pingback: Why My Daughters Will Never Go To Boarding School « Diasporadical

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