I’d Rather Have A Vitz

I'd rather Have a Vitz - 10 cars more useless than a Vitz Diasporadical

For whatever reason, we’ve managed to create the illusion that we at Diasporadical have something against the Vitz. Alas, we do not. They are perfectly sound vehicles, albeit small and laughable. But nay, Vitz owners, do not fret; there is yet hope. You see, I’ve gone out on the streets of this fair city and found 10 cars that are more useless than the Toyota Vitz. And here they are in no particular order.

Renault Twingo
Renault Twingo
You’ll know if you saw this car because it looks so freakin’ depressed. I mean goodness, gracious; somebody give it a hug before it kills itself. And with a name like Twingo, it’s really hard to ever be taken seriously.

Toyota ProBox & Toyota Succeed

Probox & Succeed
Speaking of names, here’s another stupid car. Now, if telling your friends “I drive a Succeed” isn’t embarrassing enough, surely, actually driving one should make you feel a little more than blushed in the face. This “car” was conceived when a breadbox molested a hearse in the back of the Toyota factory. Then it rolled out onto the lot and someone said “Hey, I can use this to carry stuff around. Let’s put an engine in it.” And voila.

Fiat Multipla
Fiat Multipla UGLY
I saw one of these the other day while I was crossing Kenyatta avenue and projectile vomited on the spot. Gruesome, awful thing, this. It looks like a flaccid frog lazily trying to hump a severely indifferent mate that may be dying from boredom. Who wants to be seen driving in a pile of necrophiliac amphibians? But seriously, I don’t get the lights. Or the shape. Or the concept. Or why God would do this to the rest of us.

Toyota Duet

I swear, those boys at Toyota have it out for sensible design. I’m sure they sit there pitching each other stupid ideas like: “Let’s make a car so small, only kids can drive it.” and, “Let’s make a car that can use a lawnmower engine.” or “Let’s make a car with headlights bigger than the wheels.” Then the chief exec goes, “No. No. Let’s take all those ideas and put them into one car. This will show those clowns at Nissan.” An evil laugh echoed down the hallway.

Nissan March
Nissan March

Meanwhile across the street, the boys at Nissan were hard at work second guessing their competition. “We need a car so small you can park it inside another small car. What was the last ugly car we made? The Micra? Yeah, lets make that again, but smaller. This will show those boys at Toyota.”
No but seriously, a friend of mine was driving one the other day and basically broke everything in it because the car wasn’t made for normal sized people. Then when he got out of it to complain, he realized he hadn’t pulled the hand brake up and the car was rolling down the driveway. So he put a paper weight on it. True story.

Toyota WiLL vi
Toyota WiLL vi
Where to start? Ehm. OK, let’s begin with this question: “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON BACK THERE?!” Seriously, Toyota, explain. It makes the car look like the designers were in a speed-sketching competition and halfway through they were told “Stop! Pens down!” and rushed to put something on the end. Then they took all the designers half ideas and mashed them together. No, that would’ve been cohesive. This…this is 2 cars backed into each other or something. Speaking of backing into each other, for the life of me, I cannot figure out how this passed a single safety test. If it got rear ended, wouldn’t that back bit essentially decapitate the heads off the people in the back seat? What is its purpose? My guess is that this vehicle was designed SOLELY to redeem the Vitz from being Toyota’s most useless wannabe car.

Ssangyong Rodius
Ssangyong Rodius The Ugliest Car Ever Made
I was walking through Hurlingham the other day when I saw this…thing. I went back home and wept. There was no reason why anybody should drive it, anywhere. There is a reason, however, why it was voted The Ugliest Car Ever Made. And it’s nastier in real life.

Daihatsu Mira
Daihatsu Mira
I’ve seen two permutations of this vehicle. Both look like crap. Worse still, I tried to get into one and felt like Mandingo trying to wear an undersized Speedo; I just wouldn’t fit into it. Eventually I gave up and sat on top of the car and then it collapsed under my weight and I used it as a skateboard and skated home.

Oh, surprised? Forgive me for saying this*, but this car is just…absurdly bad looking. No, really. I’ve tried to like it, but it’s just weird. Now, it’s huge-ish, so you’d think it’d at least be a 5-6 seater; it’s not. It seats 4. You’d also think it’d be an off-roader, but again, it’s not. It’s an SAV not an SUV. So if you’re trying to figure out why BMW would make this, the answer lies in Russia. See, Avtotor, the nuts and bolts (mainly nuts) behind this new wave of Hummers came to BMW like “I know how we can make a car that looks like a big fish.” The gents at Beemer, not being ones to turn down valid suggestions, then inquired “How would it drive? How much would it consume?” Avtotor’s engineers smiled and then said “That is the good part. It would drive and drink like an even bigger fish.”

Toyota Platz
Toyota Platz Ugly
Now, I don’t know how to rank everything else on this list, but this car…This one takes the cake. For one, the vehicle perpetually looks like it’s about to tip over and do a head stand. It bears a striking resemblance to a retarded puppy I once saw that had just smelled something buried in the ground right before it started digging. And the wheels on it are so damn tiny. They can’t actually be inflated with air: they have to be pure plastic/rubber. My suspicion is that they ripped these off old remote control cars and then put an allow hub cap on them. Design aside, if you’re taller than 5’10, do not buy one. When you hit a bump and go through the plastic roof, Fred Flinstone style, you’ll know why.

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*I know 3CB loves this vehicle, and hopes to procure one but personally…never.

36 thoughts on “I’d Rather Have A Vitz

    • Yeah, that Panamera is such a horrible horrid abortion. 4-door Porsches look quite weird. Thing about it though is that it’s a good drive, so I’m not going to hate on it.

      • Yeah, I haven’t driven one yet (too ugly to come near it, a bank balance that would laugh itself shitless at the suggestion of paying for just the mere thought of having one etc etc) but you’re right..having watched THAT episode of Top Gear, it did slightly redeem itself by being an awesome drive…

  1. Actually I’d rather have *that* Vitz!

    *points to header photo*

    PS: You and Nittzsah should start a Kenyan version of Top Gear. Just a thought. lol

  2. I drove a Platz once, can’t remember why I didn’t drive into a tree. Useless car that one.
    You think the exterior is bad? You should see the interior. The guys at Top Gear would have their field day with this one.
    And wtf is the probox/succeed. This cars look identical. Someone stop this guys at Toyota.
    The Toyota Will vi – T.F! [enough said]
    I thought I was the only one who thought the bimma X6 had a shitty design! But then again its a Bimma and I don’t got my own.

    You know what? I’d rather own a Vitz!

  3. You’ve made me LOL in the mat. Especially that one bout the paper weight and pens down ish. Crazy man. I guess the Vitz owners can now feel instantly better.

  4. Honestly speaking, Guys who drive Duet… I mean Dudes… He hee… Have serious Domes… They are the guys probably with Low Self Esteem and most likely to set you up for revenge… I think… I know one.

  5. The X6, not the Platz. In Burgundy. I love everything about it that other people hate – it looks like a saloon but isn’t, it looks like an SUV but isn’t, it seats fewer people so no random lifts … and it annoys the people at Top Gear. What more could a girl ask for *cheeky grin*

    Also, me myself personally I think Duets are kinda cute … 😉

  6. Its really hard to come up with a list of ugly cars. They are soooo many! Dope stuff on this list. I want to get into a BMW X6 one of these days and get to feel it on the road before I hate on it

  7. Thats some serious Hate mode LOL… I roll wit a datsun 1200 AKA “gatwero” its embarrassing even thinking about it…not exactly a babe magnet!! True story picked this honey the other day… once she got in!! she all over sudden mentioned she has Errands to run@ 9pm. Truth is if u have a moti!!! ROCK on!!

  8. Really, all this cars are so ugly, I can’t decide which is the ugliest of all.

    I’ll talk about the Platz, which I’m ashamed to admit I’ve driven. You see the way it looks like it’s about to take off behind first? It feels the same way too. The dashboard is sort of lower than the rest of the car, so you feel like you need to lean forward.
    Try push it to 100kp/h and you will actually fly.

    The Vitz isn’t ugly. It’s actually very cute, and that’s my problem with it. I don’t do cute where cars are concerned.

    My other problem with the Vitz is it’s so short, that you think there’s an open parking spot in a parking lot, only to find a Vitz positioned in there. 😦

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  10. “My other problem with the Vitz is it’s so short, that you think there’s an open parking spot in a parking lot, only to find a Vitz positioned in there.”


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  13. This looks like a list written by some 1 who was a lil bit confused. There`s a big difference between ugly and useless. There`s no way u can compile a list of ugly cars and not mention the Toyota Verossa and the Pontiac Aztec. Plus there`s no way u can call a probox useless coz its one of the most functional cars in Russia, East Africa, China and some parts of Europe. Thirdly, the Toyota WiLL vi is a very good people carrier despite it looks. And to even start with, I can tell u hav eye problems coz the Vitz doesnt look bad, and its not useless either. I am a car lover and it hurts my feelings to see pple post stuff like this

    • yeeaah.. u are ryt timothy. this whoever he is, is a liitle bit confused. probox useles??vits useles??. he got to get his facts ryt. besides some people need things faster than their legs so such cars come in handy..

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