For whatever reason, we’ve managed to create the illusion that we at Diasporadical have something against the Vitz. Alas, we do not. They are perfectly sound vehicles, albeit small and laughable. But nay, Vitz owners, do not fret; there is yet hope. You see, I’ve gone out on the streets of this fair city and found 10 cars that are more useless than the Toyota Vitz. And here they are in no particular order.
You’ll know if you saw this car because it looks so freakin’ depressed. I mean goodness, gracious; somebody give it a hug before it kills itself. And with a name like Twingo, it’s really hard to ever be taken seriously.
Toyota ProBox & Toyota Succeed
Speaking of names, here’s another stupid car. Now, if telling your friends “I drive a Succeed” isn’t embarrassing enough, surely, actually driving one should make you feel a little more than blushed in the face. This “car” was conceived when a breadbox molested a hearse in the back of the Toyota factory. Then it rolled out onto the lot and someone said “Hey, I can use this to carry stuff around. Let’s put an engine in it.” And voila.
I saw one of these the other day while I was crossing Kenyatta avenue and projectile vomited on the spot. Gruesome, awful thing, this. It looks like a flaccid frog lazily trying to hump a severely indifferent mate that may be dying from boredom. Who wants to be seen driving in a pile of necrophiliac amphibians? But seriously, I don’t get the lights. Or the shape. Or the concept. Or why God would do this to the rest of us.
I swear, those boys at Toyota have it out for sensible design. I’m sure they sit there pitching each other stupid ideas like: “Let’s make a car so small, only kids can drive it.” and, “Let’s make a car that can use a lawnmower engine.” or “Let’s make a car with headlights bigger than the wheels.” Then the chief exec goes, “No. No. Let’s take all those ideas and put them into one car. This will show those clowns at Nissan.” An evil laugh echoed down the hallway.
Meanwhile across the street, the boys at Nissan were hard at work second guessing their competition. “We need a car so small you can park it inside another small car. What was the last ugly car we made? The Micra? Yeah, lets make that again, but smaller. This will show those boys at Toyota.”
No but seriously, a friend of mine was driving one the other day and basically broke everything in it because the car wasn’t made for normal sized people. Then when he got out of it to complain, he realized he hadn’t pulled the hand brake up and the car was rolling down the driveway. So he put a paper weight on it. True story.
Toyota WiLL vi
Where to start? Ehm. OK, let’s begin with this question: “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON BACK THERE?!” Seriously, Toyota, explain. It makes the car look like the designers were in a speed-sketching competition and halfway through they were told “Stop! Pens down!” and rushed to put something on the end. Then they took all the designers half ideas and mashed them together. No, that would’ve been cohesive. This…this is 2 cars backed into each other or something. Speaking of backing into each other, for the life of me, I cannot figure out how this passed a single safety test. If it got rear ended, wouldn’t that back bit essentially decapitate the heads off the people in the back seat? What is its purpose? My guess is that this vehicle was designed SOLELY to redeem the Vitz from being Toyota’s most useless wannabe car.
I was walking through Hurlingham the other day when I saw this…thing. I went back home and wept. There was no reason why anybody should drive it, anywhere. There is a reason, however, why it was voted The Ugliest Car Ever Made. And it’s nastier in real life.
I’ve seen two permutations of this vehicle. Both look like crap. Worse still, I tried to get into one and felt like Mandingo trying to wear an undersized Speedo; I just wouldn’t fit into it. Eventually I gave up and sat on top of the car and then it collapsed under my weight and I used it as a skateboard and skated home.
Oh, surprised? Forgive me for saying this*, but this car is just…absurdly bad looking. No, really. I’ve tried to like it, but it’s just weird. Now, it’s huge-ish, so you’d think it’d at least be a 5-6 seater; it’s not. It seats 4. You’d also think it’d be an off-roader, but again, it’s not. It’s an SAV not an SUV. So if you’re trying to figure out why BMW would make this, the answer lies in Russia. See, Avtotor, the nuts and bolts (mainly nuts) behind this new wave of Hummers came to BMW like “I know how we can make a car that looks like a big fish.” The gents at Beemer, not being ones to turn down valid suggestions, then inquired “How would it drive? How much would it consume?” Avtotor’s engineers smiled and then said “That is the good part. It would drive and drink like an even bigger fish.”
Now, I don’t know how to rank everything else on this list, but this car…This one takes the cake. For one, the vehicle perpetually looks like it’s about to tip over and do a head stand. It bears a striking resemblance to a retarded puppy I once saw that had just smelled something buried in the ground right before it started digging. And the wheels on it are so damn tiny. They can’t actually be inflated with air: they have to be pure plastic/rubber. My suspicion is that they ripped these off old remote control cars and then put an allow hub cap on them. Design aside, if you’re taller than 5’10, do not buy one. When you hit a bump and go through the plastic roof, Fred Flinstone style, you’ll know why.
*I know 3CB loves this vehicle, and hopes to procure one but personally…never.