All The Single Ladies

All The Single Ladies Beyonce

Where does one draw the line between personal responsibility and divine intervention?

If my daily process involves getting up, putting on my shoes and then stepping out into the world, should I begin praying that my laces be tied tight and then jog out without making an effort to do so? And when I fall over should I then wallow in worry and pray for a solution? Or should I instead get up, tug tight at the laces, and then pray that the journey go well as I pace cautiously to my destination? I believe we should all secure what we can control before calling on the almighty. Do your best and God will do the rest, as the old adage says.

Why then are all these Kenyan women at a conference centre asking some Nigerian dude to find them husbands?

“Oh crap, they’re going to write another cynical piece on women. Oh noes!”

Well, what do you expect? Seriously. Quick recap. This Nigerian businessman Pastor, Chris Ojigbani says God put him on Earth for 2 reasons: the first is to make sure that all the single ladies get a man to put a ring on it (Hi Beyonce) and the second is to make sure married women stay with their spouses.

Hmm. OK. I won’t question your epic powers and divine mission, good sir. Kinda curious about that bank balance though, I must admit. Because seriously, this young dude is a superstar and has tapped into a very financially viable market. Working single women are one of the more financially successful demographics last I checked. And this guy draws massive crowds of them; I mean rockstar-status gatherings of these women every time he goes on tour. And this weekend, he was in Nairobi with promises of marriage and love and suitors for all the single ladies, all the single ladies.

Did anybody actually see the crowd of women at KICC on Saturday? I happened to be walking by, oblivious to these happenings and I couldn’t have been more confused.So many happy women – some to the point of tears – I had to wonder whether there was a mass screening of Twilight in there or something. I decided that the safest course of action was to quickly scurry away and then Google what had happened in the office. Any sensible gent knows better than to involve himself in such pandemonium.

And it’s a good thing I didn’t stop to ask questions. If I had, I’d probably be married and/or being stalked by now. Chris had been telling these ladies that they would miraculously get hitched that very same day and that a suitor would find them if they just paid prayed for it.

Riiiiiiight...No.

Listen, I’m all for religious intervention; I’m a relatively spiritual dude myself. But let’s look at this logically: what is a relationship? It’s the interaction/bond between two or more people, right? So if something is wrong there, where would the problem be? It’d either be with one of the parties involved, or the bonds & interactions between them. Check yourself, check him, check each other; restart. If you have troubleshooted all these and it’s not working, then bail out; it probably won’t work. End it, invest in a dildo and weather the storm.

No, but seriously. When something goes wrong with my love life or a relationship I’m in, I will not run to a Jesus-branded glorified self-taught marriage counselor in hopes of fixing everything during one sermon. Instead, I think I’d examine myself first, my partner second and our relationship third. I’d talk to my partner and if need be, talk to an actual professional. Yes, there are people whose job it is to do these things.

I’m sorry to say this but I’m not surprised there are so many single women in Kenya. I’ve tried to talk to women here – in this city especially – even on a friendly platonic level and, men will attest: NOT AN EASY TASK. It’s like moonwalking with golf shoes on a minefield of quicksand: a very high-density minefield. Ladies, it is impossible to even tell that some of you are looking for men judging by how quickly you dismiss us all. That’s why I’m not shocked at all that so many have hit that 30+ mark where they begin to wonder why they aren’t married. Even less surprised when they then transition into the 40+ and 50+ groups where they begin to give up on it entirely and wallow in self-loathing depression.

If I’d hit a decade long dry-streak, I’m pretty sure the problem isn’t the World, the people in it or the God that made them. The problem would involve me; the changes necessary would be in me. Owning and accepting that saves a lot of time and provides very enlightening introspection and humility. And when I say ‘the problem is me’, that doesn’t mean I should go nuts and shoot myself or slit my wrists or dye my hair purple and change my name to Lucy-Death-Mary. Maybe the problem is that I work too much and never go out. Maybe my expectations are a little bit unreasonable. Maybe that person I put in the friend corner really wanted to be more than a friend. Maybe there is a terrestrial solution to your terrestrial problem. Sound reasonable?

There is nothing wrong in believing that God is omnipotent and can do everything. However, let’s remember that we can also do some things too; and that we were given those abilities for a good reason. So before you complain that you don’t have someone to share your life with, how about first making sure you have a life and you’re ready to share it. Before complaining that your relationship isn’t working, why not first try basic objective reflection and communication. And before asking God to tie your shoelaces, why not reach down there and use the hands he gave you.

All I’m saying is that there are very few exceptional situations in which divine intervention is needed to find a partner. Especially in a generation where there are Facebook pokes, classified ads, match.com, and so many single men with balls bluer than choking smurfs; don’t tell me you can’t find a man.

You are spoiled for choice. The trick now is to make sure you don’t rush into any one’s arms just because they’re open. And for that decision, maybe some prayer and advice from yonder might help.

But why try to find something that’s right in front of you?

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36 thoughts on “All The Single Ladies

  1. I missed out on the 1995 Kasarani mass wedding coz I was underage. It is a pity that another golden opportunity is passing me by. The conference was perfect opportunity for chipsing agendas. These Christian women are becoming more gullible with time.

  2. First you support Freemasonry and are now hating on a ‘man of God’?

    You guys are going to hell!! 🙂

    On a serious note, who went for this thing? Do they have a husband yet? I kept thinking,I need to approach this Chris dude to franchise his church locally.

      • It was a tongue in cheek comment.

        Like I said in the churches post, church these days is rarely about the gospel, but the 4 Ps of marketing
        Product
        Positioning
        Promotion
        P – The fourth P which I always forget hence my not being a marketer.
        This guy is using them well.

  3. There is a lot more to a relationship and even more marriage than just prayers even though prayer plays a big role. You work hard at it everyday and compromise, get to know the other person. I am a firm believer in the God helps those who help themselves doctrine. Get out there try and ask God to show you who or even better examine yourself to determine whether you are worthy of what you are looking for.

  4. Wow its true though we are all responsible for our own happiness and we must acknowledge our current state of happiness has a much to do with what we have and have not done to improve it.

  5. ..The only thing funnier than the women dashing in the rain into an already packed hall was the allegation that “the spirit had told him” that a lady among them will get 4 proposals by the end of the night…stupidity is infinite i tell you!!!!

  6. This was very interesting discussion in Classic105 with Kageni and Mwalimu. As you have aptly put it, I should have a look at my problems, then my Partner then the relationship………… if it doesn’t work, she might as well as get a dildo and sort herself out. Tough love these women.

  7. This sums it all – “Ladies, it is impossible to even tell that some of you are looking for men judging by how quickly you dismiss us all.”

    Ladies in Nairobi need to take a chill pill. Give a guy a chance. Get to know them. Not judging them by what car keys he’s got on his table and dismissing them there after if its not what you’re looking for…

  8. You look through those classifieds and date sites and you find that alot of the Kenyan mamas there are looking for Mzungu and foreign mates. I can only say good luck with that!
    What amused me is that some testifying that they got marriage proposals over the PHONE!!!!! and ati they ACCEPTED???? NKT!

  9. A lot of men and women claim they can’t find a spouse yet there are so many single people out there. I think the problem is not just with one sex. Praying for a mate is just a small part of what needs to be done.

    • I think both men and women need to take a chill pill. I am very sure that some people I know will still be single 20 years to come.

      Why am I so sure? Because they are madly in love with an imaginary total woman/total man who firs into everything they want!

      None of them is willing to give a real person a chance.

      So ladies, give a real man a chance. I mean a guy who does not necessarily understand romance the way you do – but is trying! A guy who may not have the vaguest idea about those Spanish soaps, may not drive an SUV, I mean a ‘kawa’ guy.

      And men, give a real woman a chance. I mean a woman who sometimes wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, may have one or two wrinkles, wakes up with puffy eyes blah blah blah

  10. “…balls bluer than a choking smurf” LOL! That right there killed me.

    This is my take on this. I largely agree with you on people ignoring what’s right on front of them. Some women have unrealistic expectations of men, and that rules out a huge chunk of potential lifetime partners. You will never in this life find anything that pleases you 100%. You have to make certain exceptions. Find someone whose faults you can live with and try to change.

    Another thing is materialism. How many times have guys been benched by a chic simply coz of where they live, the car they drive (if they own a car) and which joints they frequent and the crowd they associate themselves with? I know I have. I’ve even been dumped once coz I’m from the “wrong tribe”. One is left to wonder whether having a man from the right tribe and the right socio-economic class (without looking at his potential to advance himself) will result in a good wedding or a good marriage!

  11. I totally agree with you that people need to take personal responsibility. I’ve noticed that lately, women in general, not just in Kenya abdicate any personal responsibility when it comes to relationships. We men have to do all the work because we are the flawed ones. I usually ask single ladies to describe the man of their dreams, after they laid out their shopping list, I ask “Ok, so what have you to offer a man of that caliber? Why would he want to be with you?” And I get very loud silence.
    I also agree that God can fix relationships only if we allow Him to work on us in that relationship and not the spouse so going to a superstar pastor looking for a one sermon fix is more witchcraft than holy.
    Great rant…er…post 🙂

  12. Haha i cant bliv that actually happened in Nrb in 2010!! Damn….am afraid for our people oh!!!

    I say someone needs to make a website for people looking for everything from husbands to a one night stand n keep it local….we need to resolve the blue balls epidemic LOL

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  14. The way I see it, its a catch-22 situation.

    Girls will happily have a one night stand with a guy who isn’t relationship material.

    From a guys perspective, the supply of casual sex is at an all time high. That generally puts a dent on the pace of settling down.

    So, there we go, a country full of single people.

    I blame chips-funga.

  15. Mwirigi, if you’re going to blame chips-funga, then I blame Wakanai.

    Seriously, you actually believe that guys have a more infinite supply of casual sex than the ladies do? Read iCon’s post on “Your Girlfriend Says Thankyou”

    Oh and by the way, it takes a Chips-Funga to make a Wakanai. Question is, who’s fooling who? 😉

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  17. all what you’ve sed is the truth man.and i could be guilty…i could.i hate that you didnt even sugar coat it kidogo…eish,dude..be nice…anyways,i have gone home to think about it some more.lol.

  18. Well said. I posit that the KCC “Lord – Drop me a dude from heaven” gathering was a collective cry for help. Maybe some of these ladies recognised that when you find yourself in a deep hole, stop digging! There was no ladder but a kind broda offered the rope of ‘matrimonial theology’ and they clambered up it wholesale. It’s a shame most will never read this post.

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  21. For the record, anyone who states that Pastor Chris prays for women to get husbands OBVIOUSLY has not attended any of his meetings. He has stated TIME AND AGAIN that he does not believe the right approach is prayer. He has been given a bad rap for nothing. Instead of writing a critique before even examining the material, I would suggest that you actually listen to what he says. He makes a lot of sense. Granted, he has his rough edges, but no one’s perfect, and he has a lot of solid advice to offer. For example, in his last message, he gave ladies 8 things to do to attract a mate. Prayer was not one of them. Neither did he pray for women to find husbands in any of his meetings. All prayers offered were for salvation of lost souls.
    @Justus – how can you be contacted? (that’s if you’re over 35)

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