I know only one bisexual East African. Well, by that I really mean that she’s the only bisexual that has come out of the closet. (By the way, is it also called a closet when bisexuals are involved?—or should we just call it a grotto?) As I write this, she’s involved in a meandering confu-mance with some Ugandan dude. Wow. Some people are taking this East African community thing very seriously.
Anyway, the only other bisexuals I know are international celebrities, and I’m not even entirely sure that they are actually bisexual. Sometimes I get the feeling that they come out of their grottos only because they know this will boost their chances of ending up on those venerated Maxim Magazine’s hot 100 lists. (This is on you, Maxim. It’s all on you.) It would seem that kissing a girl, liking it, and then getting with a boy thereafter is a cast-iron way to boost one’s sex appeal (and consequently increase record and movie sales). And there are provisions for the meeker souls, by the way; if a direct public announcement is too risky a move, there’s always the free-and-easy compliment. For instance, Katy Perry making it very clear that if she wasn’t with Russell Brand, she’d be trying to date Cheryl Cole, and Megan Fox saying stuff like, “Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands.”
And on that extremely disturbing unethical-treatment-of-bovine-animals note, I think I should just call it and say that bisexuality (and any appearances kept to that effect) has now become the ultimate window dressing. It is the embellishment par excellence. Should you find your celebrity at the back rank, should every other attention grabbing gimmick known to the human race backfire, tell people you’re bisexual. It works like a charm. I call it the Angelina Jolie effect. See, she’s supposed to be the sexiest celebrity alive. For reasons I refuse to be overly familiar with, she is widely regarded as the hotness coefficient. Some say it’s the lips. Others say it’s the tattoos. Some say it’s the vials of blood she carries around. Others say it’s the good works. I say it’s the whole I-was-once-with-a-chick crossover appeal.
Heaven knows what will happen when bisexuality, by and of itself, isn’t enough to keep these celebs relevant. What then? Trisexuality? Quadrisexuality?