You’ve got to love this country. Just when you think ‘No way it could get any crazier out here’, somebody goes on a penis stealing spree.
As the story goes, these two guys who worked in a hospital or a mortuary or something had a Eureka moment and resolved to selling body parts on the Black Market for profit. After all, stealing drugs and peddling them is sooooooo 1998. Gawsh.
So these two clowns end up getting caught and now doctors are going around checking their patients for missing body parts. Which is scary to me. I mean, if a doctor can’t tell when you’re missing your nuts, he may tell you that you have a cold when it’s really cancer. But you can’t fault the docs. The thugs however….
I wish I was in the room when these visionaries decided it was a good idea to go out and steal dead scrotum. I’ve tried to imagine that conversation and all I can think of are the Underpants Gnomes who thought stealing underwear was a good idea but couldn’t figure out why.
Thug 1: We need to make money.
Thug 2: We work in a hospital; everything here is expensive.
Thug 1: Yeah, let’s steal something and sell it.
Thug 2: Awesome idea. What’s something worth a lot that we can steal that people won’t notice?
Thug 1: All this surplus medication that’s gone bad that no one ever checks for?
Thug 2: Nah, too profitable.
Thug 1: All this food they throw away?
Thug 2: Nah, too delicious.
Thug 1: What about actual money?
Thug 2: Nah, too obvious.
Thug 1: I’m stumped.
Thug 2: Stumped. Like tree stumps. Like cutting trees. Like penises. Penises! LET’S STEAL PENISES!
Geniuses, I swear. Of all things to swipe, they went for the gonads. Honestly.
And just to be clear, how do you even find buyers for d*cks? Do you go on eBay or something? Where is the directory for people looking to buy obscure body parts? Is there some weird online forum riddled with comments like this: ‘Dear anonymous, I have two boobs and a vagina. And I’m not a girl, if you get my drift.’
I don’t know. Either way, it seems like a dumb thing to do. My philosophy is that if I’m going to commit a crime, it should be something I’d look good getting caught doing. The news bulletin should sound something like this:
“Today, iCon – of Diasporadical fame – was arrested at the Mombasa port for shooting midgets at helicopters using Ground to Air missile launchers. He then strapped on a jetpack and wrote his URL in the sky in colored smoke. When questioned, he had this too say: ‘Yeah, at least I didn’t get caught stealing your balls.’ What purposeful criminality. Back to you at the studio, John.”
Given the supposed profit margin, I’m pretty sure pickpockets are restrategizing as we speak. All this means to me is that I’m on ‘grope alert’ until further notice. My meat and two-veg will stay tucked in and hibernating until the coast is clear.
It’s not a safe time to be a nut.