The Art of Confusing Men With Your Chest

Disclaimer: Today’s post contains a lot of links.

Trust me, you’ll want to click on all of them. For real.

I finally made my peace with the reed dancers, though it wasn’t easy. The main reason I forgave them is because they’re honest. With these ladies, it’s pure WYSIWYG. They’re all natural, all the time, and some of their lady bits are pretty nice. But today I bumped into this. It’s called the NuBra, and it’s what allows divas to wear dresses like these.

See, what happens is you stick these adhesive plastic thingies onto your chest area, and voilà, le bra. It has no back straps, front straps, or shoulder straps, so it’s pretty much not there. But it does prevent the ‘fun-buttons’ [Fareed’s words, not mine] from poking anyone’s eyes out, and it increases your bust by one cup size. I watched the instruction video, and that’s some pretty heated stuff. Especially the fitting part. I can hear some guys screaming, ‘PLEASE take me to school !!’

The site does contain a disclaimer. It says they’re not meant to replace regular bras, because they aren’t firm enough. But the alternative is to go bare, which some superstars have done, so if you’re the ‘modest’ type, I guess some support is better than none.

The ones I really feel sorry for are the guys. See, in the days of reed dance and loin cloth, a girl’s chest size was a given, and decisions based on visuals were firm, secure and sound. After we invented corsets, silicone, and Wonderbras, guys started to feel a little conned when the clothes came off.

But a guy could still rely on the music-video chick and the red-carpet chick. If she’s wearing a tiny dress, a tinier top, or a bandanna – and I don’t mean the one that’s on her head – then you’re set, right? I mean, the back is bare, so the front has to be real, right?

Wrong.

Now these things are flesh coloured, so even in candlelight, you can be fooled. I guess it’s just one more excuse for guys to insist on doing it with the lights on.

On a slight tangent, I was thinking about The Ugly Truth, and about girls faking it. From what I hear, ecstasy involves a lot of scratching, screaming, four letter words, and boys names. On a biological level though, it involves movement, vibration, and spasms. Notably, vaginal spasms. So even if the lady in questions has no … shall we say … postcoital lubrication … she should still have vaginal spasms. A good vaginal spasm is the equivalent of doing kegels really, really, really fast, and it’s not something you can do manually.

When I watched The Ugly Truth, there was this scene about vibrating underwear. I got curious and googled it, and 9 out of 10 reviews said it doesn’t work as well in real life. So Istarted to wonder if faking it in real life is like the movies as well. I suppose that if a guy is totally in the mood, and if he’s confident enough in his abilities, then a little yelling and scratching would convince him that he’s getting the job done.

And I suppose if you yell those words loud enough, he won’t notice that your female pulse is not vibrating. I suppose a little noise could hide a vaginal flatline.

I can say vaginal flatline here, can’t I?

Still I suppose if the guy was attentive enough to notice a vaginal flatline, then he’d be sweet enough to jump start it, and you wouldn’t have to fake it, would you? It just seems like such an anticlimax after going to all the trouble of primping yourself with NuBra. They cost 50 bucks you know.

And it doesn’t end there. NuBra also have silicone pads that you can stuff inside your regular bra, bikini or swimsuit to give your chest a little more oomph. No more stuffing yourself with socks and Kleenex, now they have one that looks and feels real, as long as the fabric stays on. Poor guys.

Not to worry though. Guys have a few things that can confuse us as well. I was browsing this site [extremely NSFW by the way] and once I stopped laughing, I was enlightened. For instance, did you know that you can get realistic toys to … um … practise on? They come in all colours, shapes, and cup sizes.

And there are thingies that you can use to temporarily … stretch yourself. Jump into the bathroom for a sec, turn on the toy, and voilà, you’re full mandingo. From zero to hero in 6 seconds or less. If you would rather play by yourself, there are options for that as well, including some [eeeeew] specialised varieties.

For the more organic among you, there are manual stretchers that can instantly add inches to your … club. The thing has to stay on though. So … ahem … what were you saying about leaving the lights on?

And now, a clincher for the ladies, coming straight from the land down under [yes, I know, it’s a terrible pun, but they did invent the thing in Australia] This here is the ultimate way to destroy VPL. They say it’s a booty-booster [though I have no idea how], it’s gentler than a thong, and it even has space for things with wings. My thoughts? No comment.

Had enough Breaking Benjamin

For more information on 3CB, click here.

10 thoughts on “The Art of Confusing Men With Your Chest

  1. He he he he.
    I have bookmarked this post for safer er, delving when I get home. I hardly want to imagine what the ‘he-feels-old-enough-to-be-my-father’ director would say if he happened on me looking at er…man bits.
    But I just HAD to say I’m a huge proponent of the nude cups/silicone bras. Do you know how utterly disgusted I get when I see women in backless/halter dresses with oh, cos they were too tasteful to show bra straps decided to get transparent PLASTIC straps?? Arghhness. Nude cups totally rock.
    Oh, and for faking it, it’s really not THAT hard. I mean, what are the chances that the man is that intent on feeling YOUR spasms without any er…extreme action on his end? Throw in some whoops, heavy breathing and graduated kegels (4 levels in one motion) and voila! Grins.

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