Java, Dormans and Nescafe


Hello my name is iCon and I’m addicted to coffee.

It’s been about 10 minutes since my last cup and I’ll be downing my next one as soon as I finish typing this.

I picked this horrible habit up as a child and amplified it to its current volume somewhere in the piss stained alleyways of Brooklyn, New York. Since then, I have been more faithful to that dark elixir than I have to any other aspect of my life. I’ve considered creating a contraption where I can put a huge bag of it on my back and siphon it into my body intravenously but I like the taste too much. So instead I nicknamed it “Unleaded Diesel” and created a ritual around drinking it. Yes, my coffee has a name. And yes, that ritual involves a dance.

Coffee IV Drip

Now, Kenya is notorious for having some of the best(and largest amounts of) coffee in the world. While in the US, we were forced to pay extra for a taste of that Kenyan AA and though it was diluted and refined robbed of it’s richness, it was still the best thing on the menu.

So when I returned earlier this year, one of the first things I noticed is that everybody wanted to go out for coffee. Wasn’t I ecstatic? I set up about 6-7 dates meetings and began going out to meet these broads.

Shock. On. Me.

Be it Java, Dormans, Art Caffe or Super-Hyper-Coffee-Cafe, these places are overpriced for no apparent reason; and so damn popular. Like I said, I drink my coffee black. So I’m vaguely aware of what a tin of Nescafe costs and I know I can rely on it to supply me with a week’s worth of goodness. I also know that the cheaper(and sometimes better) alternatives would cost less and last longer.

Why then am I paying all that in one sitting just to drink out of a paper cup? By day 5 of my outings, I was ordering tap water(yes, for her too) because my wallet had slimmed down into a sliver.

Furthermore, why do these places charge so much for horrible food? I once went to the Java at Junction and we got fries that were so dry you could rub them together and start a fire. And you would need that fire to warm the rest of the food up because it was cold. And that plate of cold, old, tasteless food cost about 1,000 stones; which is 1,000/= more than it was worth.

And yet these women still want to go to these coffee houses. Why? Is it for the prestige affiliated to sitting in the murky basement of some building while sipping out of “Nairobi Java House” branded cups or to actually drink coffee? If so, are they aware that, with all due respect, those establishments are not nearly the best they could be? I’ve been to C-Grade establishments in the boondocks of Eastern Europe, situated next to pit latrines and garbage dumps that are substantially better*. Kenya is not a broke country and these companies are not tightening their belts. As evidence of both these facts, have you ever walked in one of these joints and found it empty?

Coffee - Do stupid things faster and with more energy

You have to wonder who the blame should be directed to: greedy girls or greedy coffee houses. Either way, the bigger issue is why a country renowned in such quality kahawa has decided that it’s better to seem better than to actually be better. Shouldn’t we take national pride in this seeing as we already have the upper hand globally? This is like eating overpriced shitty pasta in Italy just because you want to look good doing it. With that said:

Dear Large Coffee House, please use the money you make to make the trip worth the coin. And Dear Bourgie Kenyan Women, if you want food, we can get food elsewhere. If you want coffee, I have a potful at the crib. If you want to be seen, let’s walk around Westgate Mall for free. If you just want me to spend money on stupidity, go fish.

And with that, I’m off to drink me a cup of Unleaded Diesel.

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*potential hyperbole

28 thoughts on “Java, Dormans and Nescafe

  1. Youre very silly. And you just killed the dating scene with one fell swoop. Where are we meant to go for a date or look like its a non-date. Can a dude really go- Hi, coffee date at my house. I’m brewing it myself. On a first date? Who would go?
    Really they have bad coffee? Never noticed. Too used to it. Lol. Ok ok. I’ll add a coffee brewer thingy at some point to my house and report back.

  2. Er, that’s probably me you’re talking about right there. In my defense though, if I suspect someone is if-ish about Java, and I really wanna have coffee/mushroom fries/chicken salad there…I pick the tab. And also? I once tried eating at some Ethio-somali something restaurant in the name of authenticity? Argh. Never again. I got sick as a dog! I have had food poisoning at the Mug, sugar overload at savannah, semi raw hamburger meat at wimpy…groan.

  3. I always try to say that fries are not food at all. Their coffee somehow tastes like it is on cheap mental stabilisers. But I love some of the offerings at these cafes because coffee house is just a convenient name for them to use and appeal to the yuppies within Nairobi’s crowds. Refer here for a review of some of Nairobi’s coffee houses in addition to Kaboro’s

  4. I don’t take coffee, but I love to hold my meetings both official and social at Java, reason being, unless I want to go to The Hilton or Serena (which I can’t afford), there’s nowhere else that’s free of loud music and beer drinkers.

    If that makes me a spoiled Nairobi girl, then then let it be. I’m not even a Nairobi girl.
    Dudes, no one forces you to take the girls to Java, so don’t do it then complain about it. A value woman will appreciate you for you, not where you take her for coffee, so maybe it’s the choice of women?

    You may proceed to stone me now.

      • Killin time + Meetings are good reasons to go. See, because you’re not going for the food or the ‘prestige’. There’s a practical reason to it. I had a meeting there yesterday after I wrote this. Two in fact.

        My qualm is the aimless ‘Let’s go to Java’ thrown around these days. Especially when a youngish supposedly well off gent such as myself is EXPECTED to foot the bill for unnecessarily overpriced bitings.

        In the wise words of Che Smith, ‘Why spend an arm and a leg when you can kick it for free?’

  5. Pingback: Nairobi ‘Dating’ | The Memoirs

  6. hehe reminds me of a pal who wanted to meet a gal pal. The first thing she asked was Java or Dormans? didn’t even give a brotha the chance to decide. How could you forget the biggest thieves of all called Savanna?

  7. hehehe…overpriced,for sure!..but u can have good convo, coffee and if ur date is quite the bore,you can jus switch them off and let ur mind roam around the many interestin lookin’ folks as you nodd to his

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