Because Good Men Exist

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One of the beauties about Google Chrome is that you can have multiple tabs open.

In one of the other tabs, I’m chatting with 3 different lady friends of mine. One has genuine relationship qualms that need addressing, the other two…have issues. They are both single and have both met men. The men are all good. But they are not going to pursue them because they have managed to conjure a case scenario in which these men may not be good. And they wouldn’t be the first to do this, either.

At some point this morning, I strolled out of the office to get some coffee and some air (and by that I mean ‘to smoke’) and happened to find myself eavesdropping on some ladies talking rather loudly.

Birds Chirping
As it turned out, one girl – let’s call her G1 – was trying to reach her boyfriend and he wasn’t picking up the phone. So her two friends, G2 and G3, were helping her brainstorm as to all the possible places he could be.

G2 was clearly traumatized as a child as all her proposed scenarios seemed unnecessarily morbid and daunting. ‘Maybe he was in an accident. Maybe he got carjacked. Maybe he slipped and fell down an elevator shaft and survived the impact but his now broken rib impaled his lung and he can’t move because he would open the wound and bleed into his lungs and as a result drown…in his own blood.’ Well, not exactly, but I guarantee you she came up with scenarios that made even my twisted senses seem unwound.

G3, however, was vindictive. I mean, she must have been pranked by her folks as a kid or cheated on by every man, friend, and pet she ever had. ‘Maybe he’s avoiding you. Maybe he’s mad at you. Maybe he got together with his ex. Maybe he doesn’t love you anymore. Maybe he’s in a brothel with lecherous whores licking every inch of his treacherous body. Maybe he’s gay.’

Now when you put G2 and G3 together, scenarios get weirdly worrying: ‘Maybe he has a wife in a neighboring city who’s not only murderous but also aware that he has a girl on the side, so she put cyanide in his morning coffee after they sent their kids off to school.’

And poor G1 had to entertain all these possibilities while dealing with her own insecurities.

Worry

I decided to interject. ‘Maybe he’s not picking up the phone because it’s 6:30am and he’s sleeping. Like most people your age.’

True enough, like clockwork, her phone rang and a yawning man said he’d just woken up and seen her calls. He then proceeded to invite her over and she giggled and walked away giddily. G2 and G3 looked at me, angry, as though I had just take a long piss in their morning cereal.

What is the problem with admitting that sometimes dudes are innocent? By the way, this generalization isn’t restricted to ladies either; guys will hate on a dude too, just because. It’s kinda like how even black people find black people intimidating. Everyone thinks men are up to no good. Especially women.

Suspicious

It makes things very complicated for people in relationships when everything they say or do can and will be used against them in a court of love. You can’t buy her a gift because you’ll be covering something up. You can’t not buy her something cause you’re neglecting her. You can’t talk about other women because you may be cheating. You can’t not talk about other women because you may be cheating. You can’t pick up a phone call from an ex who’s now married with 10 kids because she’s an ex and that may mean something. And you can’t not pick up because she’s an ex and that may also mean something.

You can’t ever be late, be sick, or be absent because if you are, you’re up to something. But if you’re there all the time, you’re possessive…and up to something.

So you either end up with a slave robot of a man who’s silent at all times unless beckoned to speak; or no man at all.

And that’s IF there is a man to begin with.

In many cases, a good guy can’t get a girl if he tries. He has to come with a Certificate of Authenticity, a Warranty and several signatory stamps of approval. He’ll have to be introduced to said girl by her sister or someone as close to her as family. And it can’t just be an introduction. Her sister her to be a bride, and the introduction should take place during a wedding where this guy is not only the officiating parish priest, he’s also the only certified doctor/pilot in the building as well as the legal representative for the couple, who happens to own the manor the wedding is taking place in. In his time away from running around island shopping and creating world peace, he models and plays sports competitively and is also a chef and the Patron Saint for love.

And even then she’ll be introduced to dude and think ‘He’ll never have time for me.’

Mr. Perfect

OK, maybe I’m exaggerating but I’m just making a simple point. Good men exist. And a lot of them are getting really tired of being good because that’s obviously not working. I mean, think about it. If you’re a well off, decent looking, bright chap who’s tried your luck at striking up a relationship with a good woman and gotten blocked off the bat because of some random ‘maybe’; what stops you from thinking ‘Well, I’m rich, smart and all this. Screw it, let me just be a bachelor playboy. Or a hermit. Or let me never entertain a girl like THAT again.’

And while saying ‘THAT’ he’s pointing at your insecure self.

Then you end up being one of these ladies – wondering why you can’t find a man.

Now, ladies, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t keep your guard up or have standards. I’m just saying that you should set your standards and stick to them. Because nobody – not even you – can be perfect.

But they can be good. And you’ll never find out if you never hear them out. And you’ll never keep them if you keep questioning them.

To quote the very wise Joseph Budden III: “You won’t appreciate your man till you lose him. And the worst thing you can do to an innocent man is accuse him.”

22 thoughts on “Because Good Men Exist

  1. “In many cases, a good guy can’t get a girl if he tries. He has to come with a Certificate of Authenticity, a Warranty and several signatory stamps of approval. He’ll have to be introduced to said girl by her sister or someone as close to her as family. And it can’t just be an introduction. Her sister her to be a bride, and the introduction should take place during a wedding where this guy is not only the officiating parish priest, he’s also the only certified doctor/pilot in the building as well as the legal representative for the couple who happens to own the manor the wedding is taking place in. In his time away from running island shopping and creating world peace, he models and plays sports competitively and is also a chef the Patron Saint for love.”

    That paragraph made my head spin!! lol

    • Granted, this paragraph has sent me back to the drawing board. Its simply mind-boggling! We do not stand a snowball’s chance in hell to get a lady. Am a nice one, you know. Damn!

  2. I could write an entire post just to reply this … but I’ll start here. I’m a fairly assertive girl, I’ve always liked nice guys, and I ended up with bad boys pretending to be nice, because they knew that’s what i wanted. I finally nabbed myself a genuinely good guy, and some days I still pinch him to make sure he’s real.

    Sometimes he says the exact same stuff that the fakers said, except he actually means it. Then he wonders why I’m giving him the evil eye. Basic stuff like ‘I’m stuck in traffic’ or ‘I left my phone at my desk’ or even ‘Remind me to be crowned King of Swaziland’ can sometimes bring hackles out. Luckily for me, he’s veeeeeery patient about allaying my fears and insecurities. Which makes me pinch him to see if he’s real.

    So basically, you’re right. The good guy can’t win because too many bad guys have gone before him. But I’m still really glad I found mine 🙂

  3. I think women if given a chance would do an equivalent of this post, of how we’ve been judged even before we made an appearance. The point is, 1 bad man or woman ruins a good man or woman for the next 5 people they date and the cycle continues.

    After kissing enough frogs (or one really ugly frog), you automatically go into frog detection mode, where benefit of the doubt isn’t a phrase you recognize. Sadly, that’s woman nature. What I can say is a time comes and you realise good men do exist. You might lose one good man, or be lucky enough to meet one who is patient enough to show you he’s good, but this helps you get out of frog detection mode.

  4. It is really hard to give men the benefit of the doubt, when so many of them have caused so many women to have doubts…
    I do agree that women need to set the standards that they want men to adhere to, and ensure they stick to them themselves, because why should a man adhere to them if the woman does not make sure her standards are met?
    As for the cases raised against men in the court of love, women do not have much of a choice. The insecurities they may have may be instigated by their female friends, but they are based on real life experiences (be it theirs or a friend of a friends). Hence they cannot just be brushed off and ignored..
    The good men that do exist need to persevere and show women their goodness, otherwise there will never be hard evidence of their existence.

    • “As for the cases raised against men in the court of love, women do not have much of a choice”..COME ONE!!! what do u mean of course u have a choice!

      “The good men that do exist need to persevere and show women their goodness”…make him “persevere” for too long and you might just lose a potentially good thing. If am the guy I don’t see why I have to be punished for the past lousy men u had.

  5. I’m sorry if this comment is going to read like a post, but I need to get this out STAT.
    I am one of those people that have, for some reason, always ended up being privy to a lot of worst-case-scenario-relationship KB. It has taken a while, but I have finally gotten to a point where I have made a conscious decision not to be cynical. FACT: Not every guy is a gauche man-whore rit. debonair man-about-town. FACT: Not every guy that isn’t a man-whore is a sissy. Actually, some of the more red-blooded guys you are ever going to know are simultaneously those that cannot be incentivised, not even with a million dollars, to sign up for some aimless philander-fest. There’s something about having nothing to prove that keeps a guy in a good place. What puts a kibosh on everything is often society’s very unsubtle, very psychological mixed-messagy game; eventually, a good guy becomes a bad boy because he thinks that is what is best for everyone.
    Sometimes all it takes is an attitude adjustment, and suddenly, the good guys are everywhere. I now know about five of them (don’t ask me how), which is a huge leap considering I was methodically misled into thinking that the Homo sapiens sapiens var. good man species died out ages ago and left no living representatives. By my very flawed calculations, I will know about fifteen come mid next year. Crikey!
    Ps: about good boys never getting anywhere, yeah, I’m not too sure anymore. Perhaps the breed of good boys I know is different?—because they are certainly going places, and fast! I’m starting to suspect that this whole gulls-love-bad-buoys (pun intended) business is some oversold applesauce. Women are more in love with the idea of a bad buoy than with its actualization because, for the longest time, the chap that slaps you around and ignores you for weeks on end has been made out to be the one that can trace the shortest, most direct line of descent from Esau. But how many women actually want to be ignored for weeks on end? Just think about it. It doesn’t make any sense. At the end of the day, a bad buoy can only be appealing for so long. When a chick starts feeling broody, for instance, she always runs to the good guy. Always.

    • Co-sign

      Also, I think people should put into consideration age factors(I know that age is not always a factor in a person’s maturity) The way a girl or a dude will behave at her tweens and how they will behave after say 25 as far as relationships are concerned will be different. We were all growing up and making the mistakes. At that time most of us have no idea what we want. Part of maturing is being able to let go of baggage. So for a chic of say 27 hating all men because of what some 19 year old hot blooded dude did to her is very lame. And vice versa..

      What I’ve learned, take every person as an individual, gauge them based on their actions. If they disappoint, then that shouldn’t be used to eliminate the whole species! 🙂

  6. The problem with ladies is that they come into relationship with high expectations. Most of the gals also want to have such a high bar that most of us guys can only dream of reaching. So, while nice guys will just stay away, most will pretend to be nice and play the gal’s game…. so in reality, the same high bar that she set, will come back to haunt her. My understanding is that we should take people as they are, and in love, try to become better. I wouldn’t try to absolve some of my brothers for bad behaviour, but I also know that most men are well meaning, its the ladies who have issues. And this discussion can go on till the cows come home and we will not find a solution to it….. I submit.

  7. Well I think it’s interesting how one sided this is. Can the girls write on the other side? I know a guy who had a bad relationship and now he’s totally insecure because of that. So yes, good men will always exist and maybe sometimes they are too scared to see what will happen when they find someone who doesnt find them flawed and will accept them for who they are. Nothing is black and white. Just take each man as he comes.

  8. For the simple reason that men, well, some men can not be bothered to be accountable, responsible, with integrity, genuine human beings they hide behind the ‘women these days have standards that are too high’ line. They wouldn’t know a low standard if it hit them in the face! Thing is, there ARE good men, and good men who are bothered to give a hoot. I belong to the ‘I-have-high-standards-I-know-what-I-will-and-will-not-compromise’ bandwagon. And I am married to a man who is kind, intelligent, non-conformist, and he lives up to my standards as I to his.

    When my good man came along, I was able to separate the noise and the BS and see the real him. If there’s anything underneath, most women can tell. And likewise, if it’s all er, crap. Maybe if people played less mind games relationships wouldn’t be this complicated!

  9. Why is it that men are always the bad ones and women the good ones? Very self absorbing if you ask me. Its not like one gender has an innate moral alignment n the other is still evolving. People are just selfish n thats the route cause of many issues, i guess plus childhood trauma haha. Get over yourself n decide what u want given ur willing to give the same n if u cant, settle or just get some toys ul be set.

    Nice post iCon

  10. this post is a drop in the ocean as far as the reality of things is concerned. Most of our suspicions about our men end up being confirmed sooner or later. (thank god for good ol’ female intuition). You may be blameless/ “innocent” on one occasion but sure enough you’ll be caught somewhere down the line. I wish you men would learn to communicate more freely and openly instead of reducing us to your mothers constantly spoonfeeding you, cajoling you and literally pushing you to open up. Then maybe we wouldn’t be on your case half the damn time trying to figure you guys out.

    • Why even enter bother to into relationships then if you are not willing to give someone a clean slate, its just so…Pointless if as you put it “Most of our suspicions about our men end up being confirmed sooner or later.” You post just reeks of all men are dogs, I would hope that’s not the case…

  11. Nowadays it’s equal opportunity for bad behaviour by both men and women and it’s sad when we still gender bash depending on what real and imagined crimes have been committed. Facts of life include: No guarantees; we all must kiss a few frogs one the way to bliss and more importantly, know exactly what we want in a partner.

    Oftentimes we go out with whomever we angukia but they aren’t “The one”. So we end up yearning for, and living with people who you may love but do not stir your soul. For men, She should be the one you’d move mountains for, not merely the one who stirs your loins. Most women would stir that. For women, he should be the one who ‘adores the ground you walk on’.

    To all: Don’t take each other for granted and let’s sometimes act with a little humility. It seems we take more care in applying ourselves to careers and hobbies and not to the one person who could change your life forever – for better or worse. Love is ultimately a decision. All the best folks.

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  13. Lighten up on the ladies huh? You don’t make it much easier on us than we do on you. All men want is some hot blond who is 5’9″ and 120 pounds. Maybe you run into so many bitchy women because your eye is trained on the pampered, well-tanned, spoiled rotten little daddy’s girls who will never grow up. (No offense to the hotties…just the self-centered ones.) You over look the woman who doesn’t always get her makeup and heels on because she’s too busy running from one job to the next. You want to meet a woman who won’t suspect and accuse you of everything under the sun? Then stike up a converation with the natural beauty who looks like she’s got the mental to-do list going. She’ll appriciate the attention and if you hit it off, chances are she’s too busy to be so insecure as to hound you and she’ll just appriciate your company during her down time.

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