It’s a fact, humans are superficial beings, the degree of superficiality varying from individual to individual. When choosing someone to date, sometimes we’re too focused on the physical aspect that we fail to see what lies beneath the surface. Ask yourself how many times you’ve rejected someone simply because they’re too short, too skinny, too fat, too dark, “not your type” or they have a physical imperfection or flaw that you just can’t look beyond. We are all guilty of it. Just look back at your own past and think of that person you didn’t give a second look, only to realize much later that they’re actually quite a catch.
Boys in their late teens and into their early to mid 20s are generally very focused on the physical. All they want is a seriously hot chic to massage their egos and make them look good in public, personality (or lack thereof) notwithstanding. As we get older, we tend to focus more on what lies beneath the surface. We’re more interested in a chic’s intellect, character, principles and other qualities. Are we compatible? Is she someone that I can see myself with one year, two years down the line?
On the other hand, sometimes we’re driven to be superficial, not because of we want to be, but because we feel that we’re driven to be that way by the “expectations” of society.
Where’s this coming from? Well, I’ve had a crush on this chic for about a year now, and I’ve done absolutely nothing about it. And I’m not likely to do anything about it. She’s immensely gorgeous, her face is a delight to see every day coz she’s always so radiant and bubbly. She’s great to hang out with. She’s brilliant, funny, very silly sometimes but when she puts the jokes aside, can give you logic that defies her tender years. But this is where the “problem” comes in. She’s fat very much on the plus size.
Not that I have a problem with that, to be honest. I’ve been known to date one or two plus sized women. Skinny chics (who I call coat hangers) do nothing for me. Most men actually love a voluptuous woman over a skinny one any day. Forget the models you see on TV, they look more like posters for a World Food Programme campaign. (Did anyone watch the recent Miss World Kenya fiasco?)
But sometimes the things that people say are extremely hurtful and however much I try to ignore such comments, they really do bother me.
Two years ago, I had a fling with a curvy chic. When I say curvy, I mean that she had generous breasts, a small waist and ample hips, ass and thighs. Not much flab going on in the midsection and all that. She had a former friend (I have no idea what their beef was about) who I came to meet around the same time. And once she found out that we were having a thing, she began making very nasty comments about the chic.
“How’s your fat chic today?”
“How can you make out with that chic in daylight, kwani you can’t see the cellulite?”
The first time she made such a comment, I ignored it. The second time I asked her why she would say such nasty things about this chic, knowing her personality better than I did because they used to be close pals for a very long time. I asked her to keep me out of their personal issues. The third time I warned her that any more such comments would invite some form of physical violence. That was an empty threat coz I don’t violate women. But it did the trick, only that it was too late. Because every time I met up with the chic, all I could see was stretch marks and cellulite. I stopped seeing her for the person that she was and for the qualities that attracted me to her in the first place. Needless to say, that story died shortly thereafter.
During that time, one evening while hanging out with the boys, they made the now infamous “Actros” remark, (though it was in reference to a different girl). Initially it sounded like a harmless joke, just the boys ribbing one of their own kama kawaida. But with time, that comment sunk in real deep and I started thinking about it. “Is that what they really think? All this time we’ve all hang out together and today is when I get to find out what you really think about the girl I’m dating? Does she form the basis of conversation whenever you get together in my absence? How shallow can you be? She may not be your type, but I hoped that by now you’d have seen for yourselves what I loved about her personality.”
Back to the issue at hand. As I said, I do not intend to make any moves on this chic. I don’t think I can tolerate any more of these comments. Sometimes people don’t realize the effects of the snide remarks that they make. Sometimes they don’t even have to say a word, you can see it from the plastic smiles on their faces, betrayed by the looks in their eyes. And it’s not just from the boys (coz I now know better than to discuss anything serious with them) it’s general comments and looks from all over the place until one starts to feel out of place like one of them dreadlocked beachboys walking around with a middle aged mzungu woman.
Question is, does that make me superficial? The fact that I’ve been reduced to thinking along their line of thought? The fact that I’d now put my own interests aside for the sake of not being offended by their comments? The fact that I’d want to protect her from such nasty remarks by not getting involved with her in the first place? It wouldn’t be fair on her at all.
Is superficiality something that’s intrinsic? Are we allowed to be superficial sometimes? Is it fair to be?
PS: Please don’t give me any of that “watasema watachoka” and “if you really like her, go for it” nonsense coz I’ve heard it all before. Think outside the box.
What’s on my Playlist?
Kiss an angel good morning – Charley Pride