With government officials stepping aside, stepping down, stepping on each others toes…and really doing every form of stepping short of two-stepping and stepping in the name of love, there’s another group of crooks looking to make steps forward. These are the crooks that we actually caught and they don’t want to get away with their crimes. They just want to get laid. Ever since the New Constitution came to be, there’s been a new thrust in the motion to let these guys and gals bang in the slammer(pun at your own risk). But is this really such an illogical provision?
According to The Commissioner of Prisons, Mr. Osugo, hereforth Osug-sugz, “Prisoners cannot be accorded conjugal rights. We cannot enforce a non-existent law.”
To be fair, this isn’t the first time this suggestion has been made. It’s not even one of the first 5 times. As recently as 5 years ago, we tried getting these cons some poon and pipe, but alas, ‘tamounted to naught.
And it seems that these efforts will be thwarted yet again. Something about wasting taxpayers money. So you know what they are going to do instead? They are going to install surveillance cameras ‘to curb gay sex’.
According to The Daily Nation:
Surveillance cameras will soon be installed in prisons as a way of ensuring that inmates do not engage in homosexuality.
“It was difficult for prison officers to establish if some inmates indulge in the illegal act,” said the Commissioner of Prisons, Mr Isaiah Osugo.
“We don’t know what happens in the prison dormitories when the inmates retire to bed. We just receive claims that some inmates engage in homosexuality,” he explained.
“In order to avoid speculation on the matter, we shall instal closed-circuit television cameras in all dormitories so that we can catch the culprits,” he said.
There are several things wrong with this. First, according to Osug-sugz, the problem is that it’s illegal to be gay but these thugs do it anyway. What about rape? Sexual abuse? Physical abuse? Nah, nah. What we really need to curb in prisons is the gayness. They can beat each other up and culture violent natures and abusive tendencies, as long as they don’t deflower each other. We want our old, hardcore heterosexual prisons back(roll eyes now) and in order to do that, they have a plan. And that plan is the second problem.
See, instead of dissecting the cause of why previously hetero men went homo, Osug-sugz figures they should watch them first. Yes, let’s install thousands upon thousands of CCTV cameras in the prisons to be 100% certain that gay stuff is happening. This, mind you, in a country who’s capital city is without CCTV coverage. Is this even considered logical, let alone financially responsible? Aren’t there medical ways of proving forced entry that cost less than purchasing CCTV cams for EVERY DORMITORY? Maybe, but that’s where problem 3 comes in.
Assume they install them, and then we find out that ‘homosexual activities’ are indeed transpiring(surprise, surprise), then what? Solitary confinement is too costly. Longer sentences won’t do much for lifers and people getting their fill in prison(no pun). So what next? My guess is that they’ll sit down and review the effect that sexual starvation has on prisoners. Especially unjustly imprisoned ones who’d really rather stick it to the system, but since all they can get a hold of is another man/woman, they’ll stick it to him/her instead.
Then someone in the room will go “Hey, what if, and this is a crazy idea, what if we allow conjugal rights as a reward for good behaviour? This might save us the
rape, violence, gayness. Seeing as it is controlled and given as a reward, we may even get better behaved prisoners and not destroy whole communities. It’s brilliant. Besides, we can’t logically install more CCTVs; they haven’t helped.”
But even when this guy comes up with that genius proposition, late in the day, it will still be shot down. Because for as much as we believe prisons to be rehabilitative correctional facilities, they’re mostly just sweatshops that amplify whatever misguided thuggery existed there into a whole new beast of a problem, while raking in funds for the authorities. And for as much as controlled conjugal visits as a reward might serve to rehabilitate, dehumanizing voyeurism is way more profitable. See, it’ll cost more, and so the more money being pumped in, the more that can be stolen.
Our crooks are guarding our thugs and they’re robbing us to do so.