The other day I was speed walking through Hurlingham when I saw that notorious Aston Martin DB9 that some clown paid 25 million Kenyan coins for. I stopped and stared and shook my head.
Kenya is littered with nonsensical vehicles, most of which are just cheap and/or ugly, but some go to the other extreme. There are numerous ridiculous automotive displays of wealth littering this impoverished city; from the 50million shilling Bentley GT Coupe to pretty much every car at the Concours d’Elegance that wasn’t for sale. One has to wonder why anyone would drive a car that sits so close to the ground in a country riddled with oversized bumps, potholes and matatu drivers. As far as practicality goes, none exists in the case of these cars.
While I don’t approve of people wasting buckets of money on purposelessness and ostentatious displays of opulence, I am a car enthusiast and do unfortunately ascribe to the sad bumper sticker wisdom that he who dies with the most toys wins. That said, if I were to squander Fort Knox’s holdings on a vehicle just for the heck of it, it’d probably be one of the ones below.
Retail Price(before tax): About 7-8 million
Better than: All these Hummers and Prados everyone is buying
First, it’s one of the cheapest cars on the list, so these Richie Riches could buy a couple. Secondly, do you see the size of this thing? Tell me you’d try cut me off in traffic when I could crush your whole life with my spare tire? Huh? Exactly what I thought. Besides, it’s a triple cab so you and all your friends can fit in the back snugly. And your house can fit in the pick up too. In fact, if you tried hard enough, you could probably build a greenhouse in it and grow flowers. You could make it a small community and eventually lease out space in it. It’s that big.
Retail Price(before duty): 1 Million Pounds so..about 130 Million KES.
Better than: Any fast car…ever.
Let’s quickly address the elephant in the room. Yes, this car costs 130million before duty. So basically, you’d bring it in for at least 200-250 Kshs. Now while you’re thinking you could buy happiness with that amount, consider this: you see those things on the back there that look like rockets? Yeah, well they kinda are. The car shoots fire out it’s exhaust pipe! Perfect for these pretentious drivers who like to ride your back bumper in traffic. Plus, if they bump into you, because of insurance alone, you basically own them for life. If that’s not happiness, I don’t know what is. [/sarcasm] Oh, and it’s super fast. It holds a bunch of records and stuff and stuff. Over 400 Kph and all this nonsense.
UH 19XRW Hoverwing
Retail Price: About 4 million all things accounted for
Better than: Traffic
Ok, a few things to take in account. This is technically registered as a boat so you don’t need a pilot license to fly it. You also don’t need a driver’s license to drive it, but that’s kinda besides the point. The fun facts are that you can essentially elevate to 20 feet into the air and completely avoid traffic…forever. And then on the weekend, you have the absolute dopest toy to play with.
Dartz Kombat T98
Retail Price (before tax): 15 Million Kshs
Better than: Any G4S Vehicle. Any touring van. Any Safari Land Cruiser. Any luxury SUV
Reason: You’re probably not familiar with this car and it’s not your fault; it’s only ever seen in war zones and Monaco. Yes, this is a ultra-luxury multi-purpose armored vehicle. What that means is while the inside is crafted with the finest and luxiest, the outside is made of metal, muscle and carnage. It has a DVD player and champagne flute holders inside, and a mount for a minigun and a ground-to-air missile launchers on it’s B7 plating. You know what B7 Level Armor Protection means? It means you could drive this car through World War II at 15kph, sipping champagne while listening to Mozart and make it out unscathed. It also means that the vehicle has to be registered as a weapon…that incurs luxury tax. Beat that, Hummer.
2010 Rolls Royce Phantom
Retail Price(before duty): About 40million Kshs.
Better than: That Chrysler 300c
While we’re on the topic of luxury, let’s start with a name synonymous with lux and ostentatious flagrance. Driving this car is the equivalent of hiring and training an army of butlers with cocaine white gloves to slap people in the face with silk handkerchiefs as you drive by. It’s insulting, imposing, and the size of an Uchumi Supermarket. But the reason why this vehicle NEEDS to be in Nairobi is so that everyone with a Chrysler 300C can stop acting like they have a dope ride. They do not. They have a regular vehicle, that they probably overpaid for, that looks like a dope ride. You could essentially buy 10 Chryslers instead of a Rolls. If that’s not ridiculous, I don’t know what is.
Retail Price(before duty): About 100million Kshs.
Better than: The miracle of childbirth
Oh yes, this is a motorcycle and yes it costs 100 meters. Now, it must also be understood that if someone in Nai got one, they’d be the 10th person in the world to own one. It must also be understood that this bike has a bigger engine than a Bentley GT. And it looks badass. If you understand all this and have 100million and are not calling Edmunds right now to order one, woe be you.
A Tuned Vitz
Retail Price: It’s not a retail car. But about a milli
Better than: Any other Vitz
A regular Vitz is not a car. The reason for this is that it never made it all the way through the assembly line and so is only a partial vehicle. Many tuners realized this while the rest of us wallowed in our disappointment. So for the past 10 or so years, they’ve been turning this turtle shell in a proper small car that drives like a…well…proper small car. And all due respect to Kiss FM, but the one you’re giving away doesn’t count. I mean a proper, proper tuner. I happened to land in one earlier this week, and you know what? Not too shabby. And that’s coming from a Vitz hater. Why is this ‘ridiculous’ then? Well, a good Vitz is like a loyal Tiger Woods: even though that’s what it was meant to be from the start, it had to be torn apart and put back together to even become half decent in that regard.
Retail Price(before duty): (144100 GBP) 18 Million KES
Better than: A Prius and an Aston Martin.
We all care about the environment right. But we also care about sexiness and prestige. Well, the prestige is in the name Jaguar and the sexy is…well, just look at it. My goodness, isn’t that gorgeous.
That aside, on the road, the car is no joke. While the Aston Martin we see around clocks in at 470bhp, this Jag whips up a mind boggling 780 brake horsepower. As a result its stats are all dramatically better. With a top speed that’s yet to be hit (all we know is it topples the 205mph(330kph) mark), it’s easily got the Aston beat by 20+ mph.
Almost double the power, more speed and it costs 10% less.
Oh and about that environment thing: the car is completely electric. It makes less emissions than a human being. Take that, hippies.
What if you want all these but don’t have a billion shillingis sitting around? What if you’d not only want speed and sleekness but also ruggedness and armory? What if you want a car, a bike and a plane and a boat? Is there something out there for you?
But of course. I present to you, Number 9 and 10 on our list.
Batman Tumbler & Bat Pod
Retail Price*(before tax): Supposedly in the 25 million Kshs. range (*for a replica)
Better than: Sex
Well, because Batman has one. And if that’s not enough, it climbs walls, shoots down helicopters, navigates narrow spaces, outspeeds anything on any terrain…and when that’s still not enough, two machine gun toting Batpods are embedded into it.
But you know the best part about it?
It actually exists.