I Am Not Wife Material

For those that might recall, the first topic in Form 1 Home Science is “Good Grooming.” So it was that our teacher walked into the class room one hot afternoon and asked “What is Good Grooming?” My hand shot up in the air, eager to make a statement that I was the brightest kid that side of the bunduz. Because I was seated at the front, a shortsighted Mrs. Karimi had no choice but to pick my hand to which I answered “It is the art of choosing a good husband.”

So maybe I wasn’t the sharpest tool in the yard and my mom would probably have abandoned me if she had heard my answer that day. And as the class went ahead to discuss matters hygiene, I pondered on how “grooming” and “groom” had no relation whatsoever. Moving on…

I Am Not Wife Material.

Which is what I told a guy who thought we could settle down, produce a few midgets and grow old together (#marriage: so overrated). The only way to continue reading this post is if you first agree that marriage is not for everyone.

And it’s not just Mother Teresa who gets disqualified. There are just Kenyan ladies like me who have accepted the fact that they not only don’t fit the shoe but that they are also not interested in trying it. Society has come to assume that every woman is destined for marriage. Not so people. Just because women are born with a vagina doesn’t mean they come with a big “FOR MARRIAGE” sign on their forehead.

Walk with me.

Consider marriage a full time job, a lifetime commitment to which you can’t get out of. On that big wedding day when you sign that certificate and then foolishly tuck it into your husband’s breast pocket at the advise of your priest and cheering family and friends, the deal is sealed and promulgated, following implementation till death do you part. After the honey moon, five years into the marriage, three babies later, a black eye and several nights alone or lying in bed next to a dead drunk husband, regret sets in. You begin to ask yourself whether you made a mistake. You think that this is not what you had settled for and if only you had known, you wouldn’t have married that &*%#@! in the first place.

All I’m saying is, I will not sign up for what I don’t know, what possible bliss I imagine or what I’m “going to learn along the way,” as my mother likes to put it. I’m not taking chances with this one life I have. One, people; no rehearsals. I don’t want to be the one calling Maina in the morning, sharing my marital problems with the country because no one else, including my husband will listen to me. There are better things to do, like adopt Malawian orphans and protect the Mau. In the ideal situation, if the average Kenyan man didn’t manipulate me into marrying him and decided to present me with a marriage contract, you know a kind of prenuptial agreement that had little to do with his our assets as a couple but rather each person’s duties and responsibilities, and corrective measures for bad behavior, then maybe I’d look it over and weigh my options. But then it’d probably be borrowed from this:-

I think wives and especially Kenyan wives are special people with special abilities. It takes someone “special” to commit themselves to a fantasy, a possibility, a social expectation ridden with double standards. It’s like getting a specific job (called wife) with unspecified duties and responsibilities (broadly referred to as Submission), only to realize that you cannot resign or quit, no matter what. Insurance companies should have a cover for the kind of risk newly wedded wives take. They can call it Bima Ndoa or Bibi Bima. APA here is something you might want to add to your new rule book.

“You won’t know unless you try,” which is what you’re dying to tell me right now. But trust me there are things I’d rather not know, at all. What’s in it for her anyway? I asked that question at a friend’s bridal shower and everyone looked at me like I had just farted. Yeah, why get married? Why do women get married? Some genius responded “But don’t you need kids?” Actually honey, it’s the kids that will need me and as long I’m not making them, then I guess no one needs the other. In marriage, I’m sure the men benefit from having someone to cook, clean and provide a steady supply of sex. But please, can any woman in the class reading this here post care to give me 10 valid reasons why they would get married? 10 please, not 9.

81 thoughts on “I Am Not Wife Material

  1. I’m feeling a little devilishly advocative here so …

    1. To increase the chances of getting on Samantha’s weddings/ Wedding Show / Bridal photo shoot.

    2. To give my cute little nieces an excuse to carry flowers and wear tiaras and pretty dresses.

    3. It’s the easiest way to get a gold and/or diamond ring.

    4. To piss off the in-laws.

    5. BIG CHOCOLATE CAKE!

    6. Excuse for a stripper and/or bridal shower.

    7. Hot free lingerie.

    8. Cows for my daddy.

    9. Legitimate children who [probably] won’t have to go to court for his inheritance.

    10. To [easily] qualify for a mortgage.

    Bonus: to shock his relaz by wearing a little red dress.

    Oh wait … these are reasons for a wedding, right? My bad.

  2. Haha damn you sound mad…did this guy proposing you settle down really rattle you that much. I guess people get married for the same reasons you choose to be in a relationship with someone which i feel are very specific and tailored reasons…might be the curly hair or washboard abs or nice hips…however minute. Of course legalizing it might relive guilt about sex before marriage but that depends to what moral codes and conduct one subscribes too, lastly there are legal benefits to marriage like lower car insurance,taxes etc atleast in the US of A….let me see if i can come up with ten reasons later haha

    • Absolute torture. Waste of time and living space and money spent on hair weaves and such. I suggest you travel the world instead.

  3. and i am not husband material. Marriage is truly overrated. Like safari sevens. Too much hype, exorbitant entry fees, then only 2% of the mammoth crowd ends up watching the games coz the rest are too inebriated to differentiate between the ball n their beer cans. And they have no idea why the four poles on the field have no flags.
    Not that i dislike the likes of kanyange (pun stumbled upon), i just dont approve of people jumping into things just because everyone’s doing it.

    So, dudes, just stick to your sealed potatoes (:-)) coz seeing her without makeup in the morning will scare you awake. And it gets better. That scary face will be ur alarm clock for the next kedo 50 yrs. You might also need to reinforce the bed, considering how much weight she’ll put on. Add that to her parents constant disapproval, astronomical wedding budget, the list is endless.

    So whats my point? I have no idea. I got lost somewhere.

    • Marriage is truly overrated. Like safari sevens. Too much hype, exorbitant entry fees, then only 2% of the mammoth crowd ends up watching the games coz the rest are too inebriated to differentiate between the ball n their beer cans.
      ____

      *flatline*

    • Yesterday I was wondering, I thought marriage was suppose to reduce the burden? What I see from fellow guys and ladies who are married makes me shiver. I think something is wrong in our society.

    • So, dudes, just stick to your sealed potatoes (:-)) coz seeing her without makeup in the morning will scare you awake. And it gets better. That scary face will be ur alarm clock for the next kedo 50 yrs. You might also need to reinforce the bed, considering how much weight she’ll put on……

      hahahahahaahahaha….. really… I mean REALLY???? having a nice laugh this afte…

  4. Because….
    1. I can choose to
    2. Wives and husbands are special just like everyone else
    3. The only expectations of the relationship are those we both set and not societal
    4. Submission and unspecified duties go both ways plus he cleans and cooks too
    5. Marriage legalizes a relationship, it doesn’t make one.
    6. Uncertainty is part of life and bliss is in the hands of the beer holder. You get what you put into it.
    7. 2 is better than 1 so is the sex.
    8. Life is a fulltime commitment all u have to do is choose who to allow into your commitments.
    9. I want a partner to raise the kids I will either adopt or push for stability so they don’t blame their childhood
    10. Marriage is soo underated and abused people do and can have good marriages its all upto you n no one else.

    • 1. When you choose to and shit happens, don’t tell us.
      2. Oxymoron: Special just like everyone else? There’s a reason we have special schools.
      3. Society will expect you to wed (legalize your relationship before witnesses, after which it will be called marriage, have and take care of your children and when either of you dies bury/cremate each other based on your community’s (society’s) expectations. All the best fighting with your relatives from here on.)
      4. What exactly do men submit to again?
      5. … and thereby closing all exit doors.
      6. What do battered women put into their marriages to get a beating? What do wives infected with HIV/Aids by their husbands put into their marriages to get a death sentence? Or do you want to call it a case of bad luck?
      7. If the sex is so good in marriage, why do we have so much infidelity? Which essentially translates to 3 is better than 2.
      8. I choose my cat.
      9. While your partner raises the kids, what will you be doing. How about you raise the kids (seeing “he can cook and clean”) and then she can do whatever it is you’d otherwise be doing in that partnership.
      10. Marriage has been underrated and abused by the people in it. Very few have of them present the ideal of a ‘good marriage’ even when it’s up to them to do so. https://diasporadical.wordpress.com/2010/11/01/mom-meet-my-clande/

      • Haha
        1. Shit happens whether u get married or not
        2. Whats wrong with special schools?
        3. C’mon we live in 2010 society’s input into most people’s lives is irrelevant, children are not a requirement n thats why you can talk about adopting kids from malawi because u actually CAN do that if you want, we all die and lawyers do come in handy for the rest, u think if ur wealthy and you die single or whatever status you choose no one will want a piece of the pie-infact it will be better grounds for war cos no kids or husband
        4. The same things women submit to ehm we are talking about a marriage of choice here which is what people have in this century
        5. What does legalizing a relationship and actually having one have to do with closing all other exits, its not a freaking death sentence, you have the choice to stay single, get married, get divorced, cheat or whatever else you want- its all choices
        6…..AND your telling beatings and HIV dont happen to unmarried people
        7. Infidelity happens in and out of marriage
        8. Good for you, i choose my dog
        9. Good fathers do actually exist who want to raise their kids alongside their partners!!
        10. Kwani your getting married to everyone else-like i said its your relationship take responsibility for it and quit criminalizing the whole affair. Its 2010 women and men dont have to get married its a choice, much the same way its a choice to have a relationship or be single or whatever else exists out there. If you find someone who works for you, marriage or lack of thereof should not change your relationship with each other.

  5. Honestly, why I would get married..

    Legal Sex.

    The ability to have sex, anytime, anywhere, without having to worry about unwanted pregnancies, the image of my mother’s disapproving look, God shaking his head with disappointment, my guilty conscious biting me to pieces. For those who have no moral qualms about doing it, this might not mean much but for us who have had it drummed in our heads since puberty that pre-marital sex is the root of all evil things, legal sex is like the light at the end of a tunnel!

    • Marriage = Sex?…, (it’s legalization and not quality?)

      Heard about the lady who’s taken her husband to court after he hit her with an iron ban because she demanded for her conjugal rights?

      What will happen the day your husband won’t be in the mood and says something like “Babe, you’re such a nympho”

      • With all due respect, you’re picking the worst and using it to justify your hatred for marriage. That’s like saying, because of the Duala crash, I will not go to Cameroon, because planes crash there.

        AIDS happens in and out of marriage, violence too, clandes happen in dating relationships, and FYI, Women infect men with AIDS too! *shrug*

        As with every life commitment (even taking up a job or business), it’s a decision you take with wisdom, and make the best of it. If you want your marriage to suck, it will suck.

      • I am in the no-marriage (until maybe 20 years from now, but it’s okay if it never happens) camp, but I agree with Kellie. I have seen some great marriages out there. It isn’t always about the marital rape, and no sex, and battering and infidelity. I think you are legit in your choice not to get married – but if your reasons are all the things that could go wrong, you might be cheating yourself out of something wonderful – like not crossing the street to the candy store cos there’s a chance you could get hit?

        Although, I am not exactly saying “try it you might like it,” I think you should re-evaluate your reasons. Let it not be solely about the things that could go wrong. I like how you brought up adopting kids and saving rain forests… (Now imagine someone being there with you holding your hand when you win that peace prize, because they know the EXACT number of sleepless nights you’ve had over a decade as you tried to save rainforests…)

      • u guys seem not to understand the art of planning i.e plan for the worst hope for the best…Whats Nitts is avoiding, is the worst part which is now the norm nowadays what with the unemployment, inflation. Some “great marriages” last for some years say 5, then something goes wrong and the happy couple takes a nosedive.

  6. wow! I agree on this part- there is no law that says we have to get married. Given that some people still do it to please their folks, thats the recipe for marriage disaster!
    But, if both parties choose willingly to get into it they should maintain the respect accorded to the institution.
    There are pros and cons to be married or not and my biggest one would be:legitimize children. I know alot of people have kids outside marriage but its the one I frown upon. It gives the kids unnecessary drama. If you stay single DONT have kids!

    • Yeah, don’t have kids. Adopt an orphan instead. There are lots of them…, everywhere. And you won’t feel obliged to give an adopted child a father. How cool is that?

    • Well, i am single and i have a kid. Well, i have not killed anyone, at least i chose not to kill that one. And yes, i don’t regret it. But i chose to keep the child. What drama? I don’t have any. Obama was of a single mother. Is he dramatic or do you think anything is wrong with him. I think a child of a single stable parent is better than that of 2 unstable parents.

  7. 1. Because I will be insync with God’s plan for my life
    2. I am not afraid of dealing with challenges that may arise
    3. To have a friend and companion
    4. To love and care for another person and add into thier lives
    5. To grow together in our marriage and personal lives
    6. To commit and live up to my side of the commitment
    7. For the sex
    8. For kids
    9. To be part of another family/culture
    10.To know that I can be someone’s partner/loved one for life and accept me as I am

  8. 1. How do you know that’s God’s plan for you? Seriously, how do you know?
    2. APA just lost a client.
    3. Aaaaawwww…, so sweet. Don’t you have any friends and companions already? Or do they stop being friends after you get married? What happens when your husband dies a day after your wedding? Do you stop having friends and companions?
    4. Malawian orphans, Mau forest.
    5. Define growth and do you think you’d be capable of “growing” as a single woman or a widow?
    6. Invalid answer. The question is why would you get into the commitment in the first place? Like why would you take part in FEAR FACTOR?
    7. Please tell me you’re a virgin?
    8. You need a reliable constant supply? Say he is impotent (and there’s no way of proving it before the marriage), would you still “love and care that other person and add into their lives?” (your words not mine)
    9. Ever known where the word “cult” is derived from? That term that denotes a sense of “belonging” and “acceptance” (#far fetched)
    10. Do you doubt that you can be someone’s partner/loved one that you have to prove it to yourself by getting married? Honey,you’ve got to know deep inside and believe you’re worthy before you get married. You don’t need someone else to tell you or help you prove it. Marriage is neither a life coach nor an experiment.

  9. Here’s my reason.. fear

    I know this lady, she about 60yrs.. She never got married, never had kids. I hear in her hey day she was quite the catch, you can still see the ghost of her earlier beauty.. men were all over her trying to get her to commit but she turned them all down.. She build her career, made her money and wasn’t really interested in marriage and settling down. Fast forward to now. She’s a pale version of herself. She once told me she’s the loneliest person ever. Her big empty house does nothing for her. She wished she had kids, have grand kids she can spoil. She wished she had someone to share her sunset years with.

    I’m not saying this is a good enough reason to get married, or that I could turn out like her but I don’t want to take the chances..

  10. Fear of being alone is the leading cause of insecurity among unhappy wives. They always worry that their husbands will leave them and find someone else.You know why? Because they don’t want to be as lonely as the 60 year old woman from next door. So as soon as such insecure women are married, they keep their husband’s on a leash, dictating what time he comes home and who he talks to and who he shouldn’t talk to. They go through their husband’s call logs, text messages and email half hoping to find signs of infidelity. If you take time to notice, such women are always complaining, fighting or causing a scene and their husband’s would rather stay away from home, drink themselves silly and come home at 4am or find a polite, secure and sane clande. How do you like your marriage now?

    • Haha.. I get all your points.

      But as far as marriage- all relationships- are concerned we’re dealing with unknown variables. So you can’t say for sure on the onset whether you will regret it or not.

      Based on the majority of marriages we have these days, marriage wouldn’t be advisable. But I’ve also seen some pretty good examples so I wouldn’t go against it completely. But that is just my personal point of view.

      • Sweetheart I’m not saying that all marriages go South. I’m saying that there’s a possibility yours will and it certainly will not be the first, as you have witnessed. By asking why would get married, I want you as a woman to be conscious of your choice. By coming up with your valid list of 10, you start thinking with your head and not with your heart. You tell yourself “OK. I have come up with these objectives and I am ABSOLUTELY sure that I CANNOT accomplish those 10 objectives as a single woman. I NEED (not want, or the time has come) I NEED to be married in order to achieve these 10 things.” Then you can walk into your marriage head held high with your reasons tucked somewhere safe. And while you’re deep in your marriage and shit hits the fan, you’ll whip out that list and remind yourself why you got married and stick it out without complaining to your family, friends or Maina Kageni.

  11. The reasons for which I got married are as diverse as the earth and sky; from a strict Catholic upbringing that made sure every time I had sex outside of marriage it well and truly felt like fornication (irrational, I know, but you can’t do away with 19 years of brainwashing with the sexual liberation of er…4 years?) to meeting someone whose face, calmness, kindness and attitude I wanted to wake up to for the rest of my life.

    But maybe what we need to re-look at is the much toted 80/20 rule. And that part of the vows that go with it. A friend of mine said that if only it were acceptable that you could have a life partner with whom you could share 80% of your er…life..and be allowed to take on a 20% to fill in the missing bit, there would be a lot less stress and heartbreak all round.

    The why get married question is as hard to answer (er, redundant, maybe for lack of a better word?)as the ‘why have kids’ question. Only married people can explain it (and sometimes not even convincingly) to thesselves! 😀

    • So I read:

      1. To have legal, guilt free (holy) sex
      2. To wake to someone whose face, calmness, kindness and attitude blah blah blah.., (let’s-hope-his-face-never-gets-burnt-in-a-fire-and-then-you-don’t-even-want-to-wake-up-in-the-morning.)
      3. To get your 80% lifetime dose of…………………….. (oxygen?)
      4. To get kids (and not know why you got them. It’s just what married people do even when they cannot produce babies– Social Expectation no.498,751,147)

      ********************* THE END**********************

      Ladies I don’t know if you understand how serious this is. Do you know why exactly you’d give your life to another man?

      • Er…not give. Just share. Marriage IS a serious commitment, one of the most. All I’m saying is just like children, there’s really no rational way of explaining the ‘why’. Only ‘feeling’ words like love and sharing come close. And hence why we say, to each his, or well, her own. I was of the ‘I will never get married’ camp for most of my adult life. I cannot say for a fact what changed because neither my hubz nor I are ‘conventional’ people. Our lives are testament to that.
        But a couple of years down the line, I have not regretted the decision. What the future holds is in no one’s control. You could fall into a pot of acid tomorrow and lose anything worth looking at but your parents will still love you. Simplistic, I know, but my point is life gives you no guarantees. If you find that you effed up either by marrying or not, you pick yourself up and move on, fully cognisant of the facts and without playing the blame game. But that’s just me…

  12. If ever am to find that person that lights me up every time I see/hear about/or look at them, then I’d want to be with them for good. But since that is (usually) never the case, then I would want to have a person who wants to be with me as much as I would want to be with them. Babies, marriage, what-not aside, its about me and him and what works. And I always keep in mind that it may never last. So I live in the now and hope for a better tomorrow.

  13. Marriage is so overated its mind numbing. Those who are married want to get out of it, those not married can’t even wait to get in. These days even the gay and lesbians want a part of it too. Question is, do we really need marriage?

  14. amazing post…lool and ofcourse the comments that come rushing after that!! I agree marriage is overrated!! Holy shit! i think my parents just disowned for saying that! But when we look at marriage from 20 years ago, it was peacefull, respectful and had a actual meaning to it. Now, i feel its just a piece of paper. Its sad to say Marriage has been mocked, to the degree its doesn’t have a deep meaning.
    If you go to a wedding the next thing you think, i wonder when they will get divorced.LOL. sorry but its the truth!
    I am cycnic in the making,I don’t believe in the fairytale wedding, but in the end of the day I have to abide to my parents expectation.

    NB: I don’t have 10 reason! but i had to comment!

  15. marriage could be overrated,but marriage is here to stay i suspect i personally don’t see signs of marriage fading away or being done away with,first many young people still look forward to it,and when in marriage you tend to change your focus and other aspects of your lifestyle say tastes and preferences and you tend to be more progressive unlike unmarried ppl the focus is different…especially African marriage is here to stay,look at how we frown at behaviors that don’t lead people into marriage like homosexuality and when you are over 30 and not married society gets worried….

  16. I think what you described in your post isn’t marriage, it’s slavery, and I doubt anyone is slavery material.
    Coming from a family where the marriage didn’t work, I am the last person to be advocating for marriage, but this is why I will get married:

    1. Partnership. That’s all. Sure, it’s good to rule the world, but it feels much better when you have someone by your side to do it with you. Call me needy, or old fashioned, but I want that one person that will be my friend, that will have my back even when the rest of the world’s against me and vice versa.

    Do marriages go bad?
    Yes, and terribly so.

    Are they designed to go bad?
    No,we wire our marriages to go wrong by marrying for the wrong reasons. Societal expectations, to get babies, religion, you name it.

    Marriage is what you make it.

    I will go for marriage, because two is better than one.

    That doesn’t mean I couldn’t possibly make it on my own, I would probably rock this world more if I didn’t have the ‘husband distraction’ but from experience, lonesome success isn’t all that.

    Roles in marriage. I was under the impression that this is usually discussed upon and agreed before marriage.

  17. Sorry, another question, why is the writer assuming only women get the raw deal in bad marriages?

    I’ve seen men tortured by their wives almost to death. Working 18 hour days as the woman spends her day in the salon and gossiping all in the name of ‘the man should be the provider’.

  18. Seems to me some of you are worried about being alone, the cure is worse than the disease.

    As for trials and tribulations endured together they have organisations that can help you with that cults and soldiers training, You will bond with your fellow sufferers for life.

    I heard a quite on CNN years ago that stuck with me ‘Mr John Smith (clothes designer) and his girlfriend of 18 years..’ thats what should happen, together by choice.

  19. Living creatures were not created to be alone. That’s why they live in packs.

    I’m I afraid of being alone? No.
    Do I want to be alone? No. Because it’s much better to be with someone else.

    Even those that fight marriage, eventually end up in some pseudo marriage thing, or as bitter old men and women. Why is this?

    Your John Smith and his girlfriend for all intents and purposes are a married couple. I don’t think the author of this post is talking about certificates and all, she seems to have a big problem with people choosing to be together.

    Instead of fighting nature, why not embrace it and make a wonderful thing out of it?

  20. Nittzsah, I have just gotten off the phone with some Martian, Neptunian and Jupiterian friends. They said to tell you that the entire universe approves of this post. Bravissimo 🙂

  21. Now, everybody.., I realize Quiz Night is not really your thing. The ideas presented in my post are mine. Not yours. I’m the one who’s not wife material. Not you. I don’t require any of you to adopt my stand in life. But I’m glad that you read through my ideas, considered them, got pissed off about them and eventually trashed them.

    I repeat: Not all marriages go South. Yet there’s a possibility yours will and it certainly will not be the first, as you have witnessed. By asking why you would get married, I want you as a woman to be conscious of your choice. By coming up with your valid list of 10, you start thinking with your head and not with your heart. You tell yourself “OK. I have come up with these objectives and I am ABSOLUTELY sure that I CANNOT accomplish these 10 objectives as a single woman. I NEED (not want, or the time has come) I NEED to be married in order to achieve these 10 things.” Then you can walk into your marriage head held high with your reasons tucked somewhere safe. And while you’re deep in your marriage and should shit hit the fan, you’ll whip out that list and remind yourself why you got married and stick it out to the very end, like all God’s children.

    So who thinks they can make it to 10. We’ve got lots of prizes to be won including a husband/wife and good old marital bliss, just like your momma makes it 😀

    • …just like your momma makes it.
      LMAO

      This post rocks and people should think this through logically speaking. I applaud you for rocking this boat!!
      People need to style up, all this mpango wa kado nonsense thats become a virus in nairobi needs to end or we can all go into medicine and await the masses of patients with liver failure, gout, and AIDs.

  22. Marriage…I’m not even sure what that means anymore. It’s not like the people who are married are great advertisements of what a marriage could be. So far all I’m getting is after marriage comes the kids, the battering, the cheating and the slow and painful demise of a once hopeful spirit. There may be exceptions but they are indeed rare. Marriage for most women is like Mombasa over the holidays…they know it’s overpriced, hot, miserable, overcrowded and full of gold diggers and douche bags but they go anyway because most of their friends are there and they don’t wanna be left out.

    For now..marriage is getting the side eye…smh.

  23. Pingback: You Are Not ‘Marriage Material’ « Diasporadical

  24. You said in your post, some women are not wife material and bagboy said he is not husband material. Perhaps. Thing is, there is always two sides of the coin. So some people ARE wife and husband material – whichever way you might want to define that.
    I am married. Have there been moments of bliss? Yes, many. Have there been moments of pain, yes. Have I ever wanted to scream to the whole world why I think Joseph is the bestest husband ever? Oh yeah, contemplated doing it on radio. Have there been days when I just did not want to know? Yes. But, like someone said, it is a choice. You choose the person, you choose the commitment, you choose that life.
    I think rather than saying, “Guys, this thing is overrated, useless and dangerous! Do not pass go!” (which your post, really is saying, despite the repeated line ‘I am not saying all marriages go south’) you should be saying, “If you want to do this thing, you had better be sure you know what you are getting into. Do not walk into it like a lamb to the slaughter.” So to speak.

    Why did I get married?

    1. Because I love Joseph, simply for who he is, a friend, a partner, a soul mate (they actually exist), a humourous and adventurous man, a man who will still not put his clothes in the basket, has a rather sharp tongue sometimes, is too time conscious, is hardworking and on and on and on. The whole package, the good and the bad – I love him.

    2. Because he loves me, for who I am. With all my strengths which I would like to think are many! And with all my flaws which I sadly know are many. He likes it when I initiate love making. He doesn’t like it when I sulk and pout for a week without telling him why. He likes the way I mother his child. He doesn’t like it when I forget to shop for the house in time or pass on important information. Still, he loves me.

    3. Because the God I serve and believe in told me marriage is a good thing. He sanctified and blessed it. Why would he do so if it were not good? Yes there are bad marriages out there. But there are also bad jobs, bad people, bad businesses. But I believe God will give me a good marriage. He already has actually and I believe he will keep it that way. How do I know? I have faith. I cannot predict it, insure it or prove it, but I just know that I know that God will bless my marriage continually. He is not man that he should lie.

    4. Because of our little one. The woman is always excited to have us home. She is happy when one of us spends the whole day with her but interestingly, she is happier when we are both around. I got married not because I wanted children but because if I had a child, I wanted him/her/them to grow up in a stable family. There are great single mums and dads out there. But if we can give her a loving family with both of us in it, why most certainly not?

    5. Companionship. Not loneliness. It’s a bad idea to get married because you are lonely. Getting married for companionship could never stand as a sole reason, but it was an important one. And for those who ask, “Can’t you get companionship from a friend, brother, sister etc?” It’s not the same thing. I have got amazing girlfriends (and boy friends) but what they provide is not what my husband provides and I am not even talking about sex. The two types of companionship are wonderful but amazingly different.

    6. Because I wanted a “help meet” (help mate). Some of my ambitions when I was younger were to build a house, make sure my children get a decent education, start a small editing (or some such thing) company, travel to Malaysia, own a V8… Could I have done this on my own? Most probably. It would also probably take me much longer. But my help mate shares my dreams and passions. And so we combine our ideas, thoughts and monies to get something better or bigger. I must confess that I probably have not gone to Malaysia yet, because my money now also belongs to him as his too belongs to me. So my trip to Malaysia has had to be postponed. But, I am most definitely sure I would not be living in my own house right now, if it was not for our combined efforts. He is my help mate in matters spiritual, emotional, financial, careerwise etc. He knows me too well as we spend a lot of time together. He knows my weaknesses, strengths challenges. He is not jealous, envious or in awe of me. He is my help mate.

    7. Because I need to learn what it is like to put away my selfish desires. This sounds crazy but if there’s one lesson you learn in marriage, it is that you can be incredibly selfish. You want him to always put the clothes away. You want her to know that 5p.m. is 5p.m. and not 5.45p.m. You want him to stop being harsh and be a little sensitive when he is rebuking you. You want her to be a little more organised. You want things to be done your way, at your time, in your desired place. But marriage makes you appreciate that life is not all about you and what you want. Not a “cool” reason to get married but who said marriage was only about “coolness”?

    8. Because I had always wanted to. My parents have a great marriage. They were the first reason I wanted to get married. I saw what they had and thought – I can have that. I want that. Then my brother and his wife just made me want it even more. You know how you might look up to someone and think, I want to be as good as them or even better. I want to win a Nobel Prize someday. I want to make a difference in my community etc. I also wanted marriage like that – after I saw these examples before me. How they made it work, how they were each other’s world. It was something I thought I must have. Someone to be my friend, lover, confidante. Someone to help me on the straight and narrow. Someone with whom I would be completely open with, who would show me my wrongs and rights, who would be my peer, advisor, playmate all rolled in one.

    9. Because I needed someone to make me laugh. Again, this is one of those that could never stand on its own. I am not the kind of person that necessarily thrives on humour but my goodness he makes me laugh with the things he says and does in the morning when I wake up and at night when we go to sleep. I needed to have him close to me, a lot of the time to make my days and make me laugh. And no, I couldn’t cohabit with him because my faith does not permit me to. And I just wouldn’t want to anyway.

    10. Because it felt right and it still does. It just feels right. Like it was the perfect thing to do and he was the perfect man for me and I the perfect woman for him. It was the perfect time and the perfect place. I loved him, he loved me, we had many similarities, we looked at life the same way… what was there to stop us?

    And there is 11, 12, 13 and so on. Some quirky, some silly, some big, some small… And I don’t think you need 10 reasons. Sometimes two or three are just enough. The quantity in this case does not necessarily mean it is better. It is the quality.
    Because people have gone on to taint an institution does not mean it is bad. That there are bad marriages is true. But that there are good ones is also true. I guess I am lucky to have a good one.

    • Thank you fluff, work has kept me away from my wife (we’re married, not wed) and reading this almost breaks my heart. I miss her and my son so much it hurts.
      I was a cynic and looking back would never have settled down were it not for the pregnancy.
      My wife completes me; it is impossible to explain the sense of peace and contentment one feels when one is with a person they trust, love and who has a huge stake in one’s life.
      There are many downsides of marriage, but i can’t imagine facing life without knowing that my family is waiting for me at home.

  25. i believe the search is over! We finally have someone to represent, defend and revamp lost causes. I vote for fluff for post of government spokesman and harambee stars coach.

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  28. marriage someone said is a public proclamation of the person your sleeping with, in my opinion, that usually lasts to the point of making this proclamation. Advise, keeping sleeping with each other in private and when the mojo is all gone, go your seperate ways and start all over again somewhere and soceity will not be an wiser. In my opinion, you are likely to find happiness that way.

  29. Okay, so here are my ten reasons why I will get married (maybe at 40, but like I said up there, it’s fine if it never happens, I will adopt the kids, et al.

    1. At forty, I am past the bring a man home every night phase, and will probably need something stable.
    2. At forty, and because he’ll be older, I assume that we will both be mature enough to understand ourselves fully. I will be okay with not having to be subservient and he will be grown enough to know that he has to understand me… I am not worried about what people think of me for saying no, and he doesn’t have anything to prove to his friends/relatives partaining to a woman who can dare say no
    3. My adopted kids could use a constant male figure in their lives. Yes, Obama survived w/ a single parent mother – but he grew up with his grandparents. Not all single-parent kids are disasters, not all dual-parent kids are successes but I want balance for my kids.
    4. Do you know how cute old-age romance is? Once you ditch all the insecurities that make you when you are in your twenties? Ebu picture how Wambui Otieno gives two rats ass about what folks think about her going after a younger man!
    5. God willing, we’ll be made in our various career paths. I honestly wouldn’t mind signing a financial pre-nup if I had my own money – cos I’ll also be protecting my own assets, ai!
    6. (Getting to ten is hard!!!) I will have done all the things I wanna do for me, travel, party, built a career, marriage will just be the next item on the to-do list.
    7. I want someone to share the responsibility of building a home… doing laundry, cooking, paying bills – a housemate just doesn’t cut it. Imagine this, “my husband is cooking dinner tonight.” Heck, I want that!!
    8. I want a wedding!!!! Cake, florists, wedding planners, the stress! Though, hopefully, I won’t be making a ginormous deal out of it at 40.
    9. Cheaper mortgage, lower taxes, lower insurance…
    10. (Borrowed) I really do wanna piss of the in-laws. And I’ll be disappointed if they are nice. But nice or not, I will be adding to my family. And this is Africa, you will always need family – at least for now. And even if, God forbid my hubby dies before me and they wanna try to screw me over – they can have all the shit, I’ll have my own money to deal with, and we signed the pre-nup which will be a record of what we all brought to the marriage. Ha! In your face pesky in-laws!

    So, wife material, me? Not yet.

  30. ha!everybody got rights on how they live there lives. Marriage isn’t a must neither single-hood. Some have chosen to be married others not. I don’t have to convince anybody on anything. Am married am happy and i shud not imagine that everybody else will be happily married and happy to be married. Nor shud i assume that the singles r going through hell n viza v.

    i would never ask anyone to give reasons why they r married or they are single…its their life..they can live as they wish! if they get screwed up voila non of my business.

    But the truth is either of the side u choose they will always b thorns to live with!

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  34. A friend of mine once told me that, “In life, know what you want;if you don’t know what you want, at least know what you don’t want”. I highly respect marriage but what I don’t want is to enter it because society expects me to or my parents want grandkids or I fear growing old alone (the 60yr old woman). I am open minded about it;if it happens fine, if it doesn’t, I won’t lose my sleep or be cynical about it. I have orphans to adopt, a world to travel and charities to engage in (like Mother Teresa).

    In other news, I looooooooove this blog. Makes me know that at least I’m not the “untypical” woman out here.

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