Sometime last year, someone had the regrettable idea of inviting me to a Bridal Shower -my first since a midwife slapped my little brown ass. Of course now it’s grown bigger…, and from the looks of things…, darker .., ok.., mutation story for another day.
But yes, someone was crazy enough to invite me for a bridal shower. I say crazy because even the whole idea of weddings doesn’t in the least appeal to me. However, I was interested to know what happens in this all-girl affair. I knew for a fact there wouldn’t be any booze or, how I hoped, male-strippers hen-night style because the bride-to-be was a recently deflowered, staunch Catholic who lived by the book.
So it was that I set off for said Bridal Shower, not forgetting of course to buy a little gift for the bride-to-be. I get there, introduce myself, pour a cup of tea with some cookies and settle into the arrangement of seats.
The drama began when the bride’s sister took it upon her 20-year-experienced-wife self to ‘advice’ the bride. True, there couldn’t have been anyone more appropriate to take on this task. She was using case studies, most of which began with the phrase “What if…” The ‘genius’ she was would pose a question and very quickly delve into answering it while explaining what as a good wife, the bride-to-be should do if she were to encounter such situations as presented.
But here is the thing, the load of BS sister big-bones had coming in the name of ‘advice’ was too much to withstand. And I wasn’t going to sit there and not challenge her ideology of a blissful marriage. So I kept interrupting her, much to her anger.
Case Study 1: What if one day, you come home early to find your husband having sex with your house girl? I am asking that because it happened to a friend of mine. Her husband was on leave and she’d just left for work. She got to the bus stop and realized she had forgotten her wallet at home and went back to get it, only to find her husband in bed with their house girl. What if it were you?
“In such a situation, just be calm”
“Just take whatever it is you had gone back to the house for and go to work”
“In what state of mind?!”
“ Come back home in the evening and proceed to do your wifely duties as normal.
“I’d have to be abnormal to try”
“Ask your husband how his day was”
“I’m fully aware how his day was”
“Serve him his dinner and anything else he may ask for.”
“Do not attempt to bring up the little matter…”
“…, that you witnessed earlier that morning. Wait for him to do so..,”
“LOLz! What guy would bother?”
“.., even if he doesn’t bring it up that same day.”
“Oh no.., we’re talking about this.”
“Listen lady, I don’t know from what planet you landed, but down here we’ve got something we call Aids and last I checked, it is highly prevalent among married folks. Just coz I married Pervy don’t mean I want to die. So here’s what I would do. I would not go to work, I’d send that house girl packing and I’d ask Pervy to explain himself and for how long sh*t has been going down and whether he’s bothered to use a rubber.”
“A good wife NEVER asks her cheating husband whether he uses condoms while having an affair!”
“Hello? What commandment is that? We’re talking about condoms with Pervy. And while we’re at it, I’d go ahead and ask him if he’d like PSI to make Femiplan Maid Condoms. I can just see the slogan now: For the wife with a maid and a husband on leave. Just ask Baba Watoto.”
“Moving on.., Case Study 2: You’ve woken up say on a Saturday morning. Your husband wakes up by your side, of course horny. Just as he demands for his conjugal rights, you hear your new born baby crying in the next room. He’s hungry and wants to breastfeed. Who do you attend to first?”
“The baby of course.”
“No! If you leave your husband there even for a couple of minutes, he’ll feel neglected”
“Neglected? He’s an adult and it’s only a boner for crying out loud.”
“He’s the bigger baby and the fact that his son is crying for his wife’s breast only makes him jealous. Those breasts are his, not the baby’s!”
“Ok, I’ve heard enough”
“That is why fathers don’t get along with their sons.”
“Don’t daughters breastfeed too?”
“This is what you do. Rush and get the baby out of his cot. Bring him to the bed, strip naked, proceed to breastfeed your baby while your husband does you doggy style. That way you attend to both.”
“Woman, with all due respect, you are sick in the head. I can’t do this and I’m certainly not wasting my time listening to your screwed up idea of marriage. I’m outta here!
I don’t know what transpired afterwards. I stormed out of a rather disgusting Bridal Shower, or what to me was turning into a cult movement. I was surprised that no one bothered to walk out with me, not even the other single ladies my age, older or younger. Perhaps people have a threshold for carefully worded bullshit. To date, I’m still very skeptical about Bridal Showers and the people that claim to be ‘advising’ the bride-to-be. Some of them have no right to, considering their marriages suck, far much worse than rotting fish. Here’s the thing, if you are not getting professional relationship advice during your Bridal Shower, I’d suggest you just skip it. That or go to a strip club, get high then get married the following day. At least it’s what the guys do, and though they may not turn out to be the best of spouses, they certainly have no regrets about their stag night.