Lessons From The Failed Rapture

I thought the rapture would find me at the dentist’s, where I had been lying for so long, my ass would have got a cavity. For the part-filling procedure, my dentist had anesthetized my gum so much so that had Jesus bitch-slapped my left cheek I’d have asked him “is that all you got?” But my dentist wrapped it up pretty fast, like he didn’t want to miss the 6pm ascension, complete with his sparkling white coat. 6pm would sadly find me at a bar counter, sipping on my preferred wine, waiting for a friend, tweeting to the death of my phone battery.

Do you fear heights? Guess the Rapture won’t be your thing then #okaybye

Sigh.., rapture day. Boy didn’t we wait. Some for it to happen and some for it not to happen, and breath a sigh of relief then laugh at everyone else. Either way we paid attention and from this happenstance I learned:

We Were All Going To Heaven

Never have so many people expressed their confidence about the way they’ve lived their lives. Everyone felt holy enough to pass trough the eye of a needle and into heaven’s gates. Indeed, we were all to ascend, no one was descending, or counter-ascending. What’s the name for the other direction south? I’m no one to judge, but when the convicts at Kodiaga Prison, Kisumu expressed so much confidence that JC Schofeild was going to break them out, I wondered whether we’d survive the impending stampede.

There Was That 1% of Doubt

Even those folks who knew that Harold Camping was lying from the creases on his wrinkled face kept wondering – what if? But they’d shrug with that one-liner defense “nobody knows the day or hour.” The other one “he’ll come like a thief in the night” was not easy to conjure in the mind, in a country full of thugs and robbers. The common knowledge among Christians is that He’ll come – regardless. A fact that is embedded in the Apostles Creed. But then no one knows when, and it sucks like hell (pun intended), which is why quite a number of people paid attention to Camping. Could it be the same reason the Kenyan church waited for so long to distance themselves from Camping’s math despite the fact that the Billboards had been there since January this year? We should have at least seen AAs in the newspapers way before May 20th. That also goes to the folks who were selling their stuff. What did they need the money for? Would they give it to ‘us’ sinners who’d be left behind? Or would they lie to Jesus and say “See, we’ve done away with our material belongings, so that we may follow you to heaven.” Or were they 1% in doubt that Jesus wouldn’t be coming afterall?

We Have No Faith, Just Religion

While considering this Camping theory, I wondered.., would Jesus be coming for the Christians and leave behind every other creed – Hindu, Muslims, Scientologists name them? Or was Jesus coming for every righteous man or woman. For the folks who stayed up in the cold, donning white, looking up to the skies,  had they taken the liberty to judge themselves on behalf of their god? If they believed they were pure on mind, body and spirit, why couldn’t they have gone about their business, shower, eat, sleep and let Jesus do His whole rapture thing? Why would you religiously take the word of one human being and forget the scripture? Are we so gullible? Where does your faith lie?

Everyone Wants to Leave

I have memories of a childhood song that we used to sing holding hands and then end with so much gusto “… and we’ll have a little heaven down here!!!” This isn’t a perfect world, but we can’t deny its wonder and splendor when are not doing everything to destroy it. We all want to proceed to the afterlife, the other heaven, but what  have we contributed to this one we are in. If anything we’ve done out best to trash it. We’ve cut trees, polluted the air, killed elephants for their tusks and exploded minerals out of the sea and land leaving both lifeless and derelict, for nothing but our selfish gains. Why would God want to hangout with us? I’m just thinking, if you had kids who trashed your house, none of your relatives would love to have them over now, would they? I don’t know. I’m no evangelist. Please ignore me.

Good Job! Let’s All Clap For Ourselves

So sadly, we find ourselves still here: Friend and foe, prophet and false prophet, believer and atheist. Nothing’s really changed, but there was something to take away from that failed rapture. What did you learn? Coz you know we’ll have our panties in a knot again come 2012?

2011 Was Fun! We Should Definitely Do It Again Next Year!!



5 thoughts on “Lessons From The Failed Rapture

  1. “The thing to remember is that each time in life has its own special rewards, whereas when you’re dead it’s hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife – a scary thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done easily lying down.” –Woody Allen

  2. Someone told me something interesting. Whether the rapture happens in 2 seconds or in 500 years, people are leaving everyday. Since you can never really guarantee that you’ll survive your next trip to town, just stay ready.

  3. Pingback: Africa: Bloggers Discuss The Failed Rapture · Global Voices

  4. Pingback: The Year That Was: DR Highlights of 2011 | Diasporadical

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