#Rapho4Prezzo: “Redefining Raphael Tuju’s Candidacy”

Dear Raphael,

I saw your video and may I say, I was moved. If I was going to vote, I’d seriously consider voting for you. My pen would hover above the box next to your name for at least a few seconds as a smile smeared on my face.

But I do not think the nib would touch paper. Why, you ask? I don’t think you went quite far enough. You see, if you’re going to do a gimmick, you REALLY need to push the envelope. Yes, using Sheng is a good start, but you need a follow up. This was a love tap, let’s get a Haymaker and an uppercut. Let me show you how.

If you’re trying to define yourself as the ‘hip’, youth-oriented candidate, you should really get a new slogan. I vote for #RaphoForPrezzo. No explanation needed for that one. The gimmick you were going with with the sheng was attracting the youth, yes? Well push the envelope. Get in their faces with it.

Damn, homie. That’s how you want to do that. So hip, it’s hip-hop.

While you’re doing this, you might want to hang our with Mike Sonko a bit more. That there is a savvy gent. Knows exactly how to rep for the ma-youth.

Next, you want to lose that nauseating green color you have going on with your campaign. At least minimize it. For example your website:

I’d yawn because of how boring it is, but my eyes are just burning looking at it. The color is toxic, the artwork is poop. It’s boring. Spice it up. Ghettofabulousize it!

So raw, so awesome. RAWESOME!!! Is that a lion next to the social networks? Hell yeah. Why? Because you’re the king of the jungle, duh!

Now, in case at this point your testosterone levels are losing points with the ladies, you may want to run a parallel campaign. Something smooth and sexy.

Oh yeah. They won’t know whether they want to have your babies or have you as president. Sing a slow jam in your next video with dark sun glasses on and a shirt with only one button pushed in. That’s right, your belly button. Buttons are for sissies anyway.

Now you need to clarify a few things for the rest of us. Those of us who know shit from sugar, know you’re not exactly broke, so when we heard you went to sleep without eating, we immediately thought of this.

Because clearly, you eat well. What you want to do is put an image behind your words for emphasis to really let the people know what you meant.

Clarify that you meant this instead and you’ll win both the rich and poor votes for sympathy and empathy.

In short what I’m saying is, if you want to run a shoddy campaign hinged on gimmicks, this is the way to go. It may not win votes, but you will forever be the source of joy and laughter. And Kenya needs that.

Kenya needs you.

Peace mobbest.