Mboro, Biscuits, Ice Cream and Gynecological Healing

Zimbabwe is famous for a few things: Mugabe, the Victoria Falls, naming people after days and holidays and now Mboro.

That’s Pastor Prophet Paseka Motsoeneng Mboro to you. You see, you only call him Mboro when he has his fingers(or his foot) in your biscuit. And by ‘biscuit’, I mean ‘lady parts’.

That’s right, this pastor heals worshippers and releases their demons by sticking his digits in their…biscuits.

I apologize in advance because I will quote the large bulk of this article; it’s pure gold.

“As he was praying for her she collapsed. Motsoeneng then told the teenager, who was lying on her back, to open her legs, which she did.
He then plunged his fingers into her private parts and started moving his fingers inside her vagina.
As he was busy with his “healing process”, Motsoeneng ordered her to call him by his nickname, Mboro.

“Say Mboro,” he ordered her.

“Mboro” she said, with a stifled cry.

He was interrupted by a female congregant who brought him a glassful of what looked like ice-cream, which she spoon fed him. He was still sitting on the woman’s lap.”

I’m sorry, what? Did this ice-cream-bearing broad just interrupt the healing process? Does she not know this man needs to focus? Or was she immediately distracted by the thought of having ice-cream with warm biscuits? She must focus. And Mboro immediately did; calling upon a ‘doctor’ named ‘Zozo’ to come verify what was wrong with this girl.

“Dr” Zozo then inserted what she said was pregnancy test apparatus into the girl’s vagina, with Motsoeneng looking on.

“The pregnancy tests came out positive. She is pregnant. I could also feel the limbs of the foetus,” Zozo announced .

Oh, I forgot to mention two things. 1. This girl is 17 and 2. This is IN CHURCH. In front of people. On TV. That’s how Prophet Mboro gets down, y’all. And Dr. Zozo; there is none better. She can feel limbs on a fetus a few weeks old. That broad can probably cure cancer if she wasn’t so busy partaking in Mboro’s ice-cream and biscuit buffet.

“As Zozo was leaving the scene, Motsoeneng screamed: “Zozo, she is bleeding and her tummy has subsided.”

Zozo went back to inspect her before she rushed outside. She then came back wearing gloves and holding a pregnancy test kit.
She inserted them into the teen’s vagina and took them out.

She announced: “Now the kit shows neither positive nor negative results.”

Motsoeneng chimed in: “It is because she was sleeping with an animal.”

Motsoeneng then asked the teenager if she was sleeping around with men.

“Did you donate your biscuit to men?” he asked her.

“No” she replied.

He then said: “Haai, I want to ask all men in here to stop eating biscuit. Do you hear me? You must not eat biscuit anymore,” to which the visibly disgusted men did not respond.”

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m NEVER eating biscuits again.

“Motsoeneng then asked a women to fetch a bucket.
The young lass was then lifted from the ground and made to sit on the bucket with her legs wide open, bleeding profusely, while Motsoeneng looked on.
He then said a stone had blocked her vagina and called a cameraman to come and film her, but changed his mind.

“This won’t be flighted on TV,” he said.”

Because TV ain’t ready for the truth. The holiness of pulling stones from biscuits may just have outdone that of drawing water from a rock. www dot prophets dot com, yo.

“Two weeks later the teenage girl was shown on Motsoeneng’s programme on Soweto TV holding stones she claimed had come out of her vagina.”

If I ever run into a girl holding rocks on the street, I’m just gonna walk away. After I throw up.

I won’t quote the rest of the article but it involves Mboro putting his foot on her biscuit to heal it of pain and expelling some satanist broad for not getting wet in church.

A few concerns:

1. Why hasn’t anyone stopped this guy? Google search him and see how many scandals pop up.
2. Where do we draw the line between religious faithfuls and religious fanatics? I want to say when a Prophet is pulling rocks out of your jayjay, you’ve gone too far.
3. When will we stop hearing stories like this out of African countries? It’s as if stories of magical goats vanishing into thin air in Uganda, or getting arrested for armed robbery in Nigeria was just not enough.

And yet we wonder why foreigners think we live in trees.

UPDATE #1: In related news, another Zimbabwean Pastor/Prophet raped a 16 year old girl claiming he was performing an exorcism. [VIBE WEEKLY]

UPDATE #2: To the South Africans/Zimbabweans taking offence in the comments. None was intended. My source said he was Zimbabwean so I reported it accordingly.