Dear Kenyans, You Will Die Soon

I’ve been skimming through today’s dailies hoping to see at least one Op-Ed with that title up there. Sadly, none of the country’s opinion writers had the guts to beat you black and blue with the truth. But that’s what blogs are for. So I’ll spell it out for you loud and clear. YOU WILL DIE.

And no, I won’t kill you. Not even Bonny’s prophecies will. See while all of you went HAM when Bonny was making death wishes on vultures, your relatives, brothers and sisters, had formed a sizeable crowd right outside Assanand’s trying to catch a glimpse of .., I don’t know what.

Is it that we like the sight of blood? Do we enjoy seeing dead people? Or have we never seen fire before? Why crowd in an area that has all the signs of a terrorist attack? Didn’t we learn from the US Embassy/ Co-op bombing in 1998? What if the perpetrators had planned to detonate a car bomb lodged in one of the vehicles packed along Moi Avenue, what then? How many causalities would we be talking about? How many curious on-lookers would have orphaned their own children?

Spot Your Mother and Father

I don’t know how we will cure this I-must-see madness. Perhaps our local TV stations aren’t giving us enough Naija movies to quench our thirst for drama. I’m interested to see how the concerned authorities will teach Kenyans how to “move along now,” the same Kenyans who don’t want to be shown how to use a condom.

If I had it my way, I’d shoot at the crowd seeing that said Kenyans have already placed themselves in a risky situation. If the police won’t, the terrorists will, some day. And ya’ll will die. So keep looking out for that. You’ve proved you’re good at it.

56 thoughts on “Dear Kenyans, You Will Die Soon

    • Yup.
      Imagine, you’ve died and gone to heaven (hopefully) and you strike up a conversation with God.

      God: Dude, you’re here!
      Dude: Imagine me I’m here.
      God: How did you die.
      Dude: I heard a loud bang, saw some smoke and went to see what had happened.
      God: So when you saw what happened you just stood there and waited to see what else would happen, right?
      Dude: Yeah
      God: Well, I guess death happened.

      • Hahahaha!

        I think it would go something like this –

        God: How did you die.
        Dude: I heard a loud bang, saw some smoke and went to see what had happened.
        God: So when you saw what happened you just stood there and waited to see what else would happen, right?
        Dude: Yeah
        God: Dude, grow a brain. Oh wait, too late. Sorry!

      • Um…how about:
        God: Come ye forth and feast at the table of the righteous. Share with us your tale, young fellow. Wert thou a martyr for the cause of the Christian?
        Dude: Um…no.
        God: Herpes?
        Dude: Well, it’s not what killed me.
        God: (aghast) Well…why are you here?
        Dude: See, there was this bomb –
        God: ACK! We have a Kenyan! You’re in the wrong place. The flames to run towards are thataway…
        *Kenyan jumps into hell thinking ooooh, shiny…*

    • I deliberately chose not to have a disclaimer on this post . When people run towards such scenes, do they request to have signs placed on the way with disclaimers on them?

    • While authorities debate whether they are thugs or quack electricians, we’ll keep ourselves busy displaying our ignorance.

  1. I had this conversation 3 times yesterday. It’s a gravely disturbing trend. Kenyans have 0 survival instinct. We don’t evacuate buildings, we don’t yield to warnings…We don’t seem to want to preserve our lives.

  2. Good post, I agree that most Kenyans’ survival instincts are not fully developed. However, I do not think that this post would have lost any value had you not included the image of that unfortunate lady. No need to show such images of a person at their lowest.

    • No disrespect to the lady. I picked this image from an online newspaper. I ask again, when Kenyans go to see fellow Kenyans “at their lowest”, what do they hope to gain?

      • I hear you, I just don’t get why the media also likes showing these gory images. Yesterday, I had a couple of my FB friends rushing to post images of people injured from the blast. Perhaps it was their way of showing solidarity with the gory sight seekers that rushed there physically. SMH.

  3. Maybe Kenyans have a fetish for the macabre……………pitiable really!! I don’t know what can be done….short of a mass-arrest and deportation to Northern Kenya to build roads and dams for 3mths as well as public humiliation!!

    • Whether you’re looting, giving silly speeches or taking a leak in the backstreet, you’re still gonna die…, as long as you are in the vicinity.

  4. I remember a few years back while I was shopping at the Nakumatt downtown, smoke began to fill the place and the supermarket began to burn. Luckily I was shopping downstairs so I managed to save myself before the fire got out of control. I heard no one upstairs made it out alive. I’ll never forget one thing though…after getting out of the supermarket safely, my fellow shoppers decided to stand right outside the supermarket and watch it burn. By then, everyone in town was flocking there to watch in spite of the fact that they stocked gas cylinders in Nakumatt. Like, really??? The second I was out I was so shook, I walked off and got the nearest mat out of town and never looked back till I got home and saw it on the news that evening. The average Kenyan however, it seems, is not content with being lucky to be alive. They must watch the action live as it happens however gory or dangerous it may be. I really don’t get Kenyans and the curious onlooker phenomenon. That shit will get you killed.

    • But that’s what was missing in the news yesterday!! For starters, I wanted to see some random Einstein Kenyan who works with explosives (even in one of these mines in the country). That should have been our perfect Mythbuster. Then an electrical engineer should have been interviewed by another station showing how things go boom! Or sizzle. Or not. But interviewing Iteere and Kiraithe IN STUDIO was nonsense. They deserved no more than a road side interview especially since they’ll get some more airtime at 4pm today. Can we get EXPERTS on this thing. Not talking heads and people trying to save face so they can seem as if they are working. And sit down Alfred Mutua!!

  5. Kenyans are merely following their leaders, who also rush to the scene of incidents as if their presence somehow adds value to rescue/recovery efforts.

    There’s a reason why immediately something happens in the States the president is rushed off to Airforce One, a secondary device could have taken out our PM yesterday

  6. Yup.., and wouldn’t that have made his enemies so happy? Then the blame game would begin. Then we’d fight and kill each other like we’ve never done before. All because we are oh.., so ignorant. Keep following your leaders Kenyans. See how far that will take you.

  7. I guess for Kenyans the ‘I was there’ part is more important than their lives. Plus these nincompoop politicians going to make statement right outside instead of letting investigations to be completed tampering with crucial forensic evidence.

    • Just wait for a prominent politician to die and see the circus that will be in this country. By the way all of you who’ll be there when that happens will be arrested as suspects and tortured.

  8. I guess this explains why the higher percentage of kenyans would rather have religion over technology, with this kind of foolishness only God can come through for you…..this stuff was bloody despicable….we’ve been hit way too many times not to have a response system. im thinking the tac tics that Moi used to use against the civil society, should work here, “beat them senseless and if they dont move, shoot at the buggers, and the ones who survive, torture”…..
    this was freaking crazy!!!!
    so i do feel you 100!!!
    i was also super pissed!!! like where is a kenyan supposed to feel safe, you cant go to the bar? you cant go to church or a crusade? you cant go to the bus stage, and now you cant go to work?? WTF???

  9. While I agree..maybe the thing is that we need to be educated better on disaster management and how we act in such times. Curiosity killed the cat, and you can’t fault the cat for wanting to know more, it’s like hard wired into our brains.

    • One: Human beings should not be compared to cats, or any other animal. We are not created in the likeness of animals, neither are we designed to adapt to the environment. We make the environment adapt to our human needs.

      Two: We don’t even need disaster response education, we need military training, like all Israelis.

  10. Kwanza there were incidences of small-time pickpocketing, phone grabbing and men gropping at women?? Most of the guys you see in tao with suits are not your average bloke who decided to “check on the head office” or “collect some quotation”. Thought-provoking read though.

  11. I agree with you that we need to improve crowd control at scenes and people need to pushed as far away from the scene as possible. 200 meters minimum – with Nairobians curiosity levels. However I do object to you using that ladies picture in it’s entirety as the author you have the responsibility to preserve the dignity of this woman please

    • Right.., due to public demand I have cropped out the woman’s face “to preserve her dignity”. Though in my opinion, the people who’s faces I should have done something about are those guys in the crowd. They lack a certain amount of dignity just by being there.

      • Remember if you want to make a difference you will be held to a higher code, you have to be ethical, disciplined and look out for the innocent. You have to live the difference

  12. Pingback: Kenyans! Kenyans! | adanmawanji

  13. i just noticed a dude am going to meet this evening. Am going to pinch his nose and pull his ears, then punch some sense to those ear, and drill it to his head.

  14. i just saw a dude am going to meet this evenig on that pic. am going to pinch his nose, pull his ears, then punch him.
    After that drill sense to his ears, and demand him to buy beer before he is hit next time.

  15. Very very true! I rang a friend of the family to see if they were ok. They said yes but they were headed to the location to have a better view. I promptly hangup

  16. thankyou for that post i swear kenyans never learn..we kenyans seem abit not busy..if people were somewhere busy then such a crowd would not have formed in such a short a time…God help us

  17. Pingback: ‘No brains’ | Media Madness

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