Ladies and gentlemen, amidst the loud voices bellowing about Occupying Parliament and other serious matters, a not-so-silent fart of retardation clapped its way out of the US and into the Kenyan Twittersphere this fine day. Its name was Kola Boof: the Lion Cub Eating African Queen.
I’ve seen Boof on the Diasporadical Twitter Timeline before. She’s hard to miss for her outlandish statements and her…ehm…let’s say “she has cargo.” It’s not pretty cargo but…
It’s like the missing portion of the Rift Valley. But trust me, her allegations are even more ridiculously proportioned. Her claim to fame is that she’s a best-selling novelist or something, but really people know her for having screwed more famous names than the guy who drills the Hollywood stars in place. Or at least claiming to. She’s purportedly boinked Thabo Mbeki, Jacob Zuma, Russell Simmons and…whoever else pops up when you google her.
But today, she won the Darwin Award for having somehow evaded being extinguished by Mother Nature through evolution – an insult convoluted enough that I’m sure she won’t get.
In the morning, in between being very racist towards Asia as a whole and tooting her proud African horn, as she frequently does, she decided that eating lion meat was something that we as Africans do. Further, that we should be proud of it.
That’s right, we don’t know our own bleeping countries. We should be proud of that shit; eating lions for Africans is about as badass-ly naturally obvious as martial arts expertise is to Asians. And Kola Boof, being the guardian and authority on all things African will not let us slack on our Africanness.
Honestly, I could go on for hours.
She did. Until one very brilliant gentleman known only as Currie_Powder, or The Royco Guy if you will, took matters into his own hands.
Dear Currie_Powder, I salute you. I saluted you as soon as I saw that tweet. But everything after that was sheer hilarity as Kola missed the joke and bought the lie. Hook. Line. Sinker. And then some.
Oh she bought it and he sold it.
She was so excited to be able to buy “baby lion meet” and that genius Currie even sent her pictures to whet her appetite.
And in between time, even he noticed that the only thing dipping lower than her breasts sag was possibly her IQ.
Now, I should point out that while Currie was having his fun with her, dozens of people were telling her that he was lying. I mean Kenyans were going out of their way to tell this broad that we do NOT eat lions and that there’s no way this guy was a lion-breeder. But she held on to that lie; insulting and defending it until it finally dawned on her that she was the butt of what was now everybody’s joke.
It was glorious. She went on a blocking spree, and put a halt to all that nonsensical talk about how delicious lion cubs are.
There are two lessons to take from all this:
1. There is no limit to the creativity of Kenyans on Twitter when faced with a ridiculous situations
2. There is no shortage of ambassadors of ignorance feigning afrocentrism and cultural authority.
Have an African day, won’t you?