Ruto’s Mansion NEEDS Those Renovations

You guys! Look at this house!

ruto house

Be honest. You think it’s a piece of sh*t too, yeah?

It’s horrible the conditions they’re making our Deputy President live in. I mean, it’s a 10 acre, half a billion shilling house with two 3-bedroom maisonettes as servants’ quarters. What type of shoddy living conditions are those? And then when our Deputy President who’s cried tried so hard for Kenyans asks for a measly 100 or so million shillings to renovate the place, we all get angry? Why? I think he’s earned the right to allocate money that could buy dialysis machines and renovate 100 schools to pimpin’ his pad, don’t you? And if you’re mad at 100M, wait till you find out the real cost of those renovations is actually close to 200M. You’ll lose your heads!

But what are these renovations, you may be asking? Well, I’ll let our Dep Prez walk you through the main ones*.

ruto-crib

Initially, he wanted bullet proof windows. But he’s compromising because he loves Kenya. Why are the windows such a big deal? Well, there’s a possibility that a gunman will somehow manage to get into the premises, even though there’s an army facility across the road (gunmen are soooo darn crafty). Then this gunman will immediately start shooting out the windows because those crafty gunmen know that Ruto has a no shoes policy in the house. That’s the easiest way to paralyze people in the house. Once he gets them to cut their pedicured feet on the glass, they may get tetanus and the gunman will deny them treatment.

ruto-crib2

For reals. Because 1. Then he can see that crafty gunman before he gives them tetanus. And then for 2. if Dep Prez decides to throw a pimpin’ party at his pad, he can watch all the action from his bedroom. Never mind that they already budgeted for CCTV in the initial construction and in the second renovation. WE NEEDS MORE CAMERAS! Don’t ask questions, just start filming. Only good things happen when you start rolling the tape, right Shaq?

film

And Shaq knows what he’s talking about. That guy used to be a genie.

ruto-crib3

Look at those floors! Do they look shiny to you? WELL THEY NEED TO BE BRILLIANT! How else is Dep Prez supposed to justify wearing sunglasses in the house if the floors don’t blind you? Be considerate. How is he supposed to slide around barefoot? He’d need to wear socks to slide on the floors in their current condition. Take those tilings out and put in something smoother and shinier and more awesome. These ones smell like Kalonzo’s socks.

ruto-crib4

Look, y’all. I know they already had this budgeted in the initial 400 million. I realize that. And I realize if you’ve been by the house that you can already see some laser and/or electric fencing. HOWEVER, look at the swimming pool area. Why isn’t it fenced? Look at the outdoor barbecue lounge grounds: do they look fenced? What about that 50 car parking lot? Anything shocking about it?

ruto-crib5

Stop asking silly questions and FENCE THAT SH*T!

Why don’t you guys care about Ruto, man? Yes, we realize the guy doesn’t even plan on living in this house. Yes, it’s almost a guarantee that this will cost more than 100 million, bringing the current cost of the house to .5 billion (that we know of). Yes, this is coming from your taxes at a time when we’re a few billion over budget. Yes, this house was renovated less than a year ago. Yes, to all your complaints. They’re all valid.

But what about Dep Prez? He’s watching Big Baks get a 250 Million office and our current President settling back into the family homestead. Why can’t he make his own mark in our economic plight? Instead, you want him to just sit there in his existing mansion and feel like he’s been Raila’d.

And by his own people.

This is the type of sh*t that makes Ruto sad.

Ruto crying

#PimpDepPrezPad, yo!

*This may be satirical and sarcastic but these are the real listed renovations requested.

51 thoughts on “Ruto’s Mansion NEEDS Those Renovations

  1. I can almost comprehend why the man would want smaller windows, and solid wood doors, and new tiles around the pool… I can almost comprehend his fear of getting shot at, almost. But the kicker is that he has no plans to live in that house? How now?

    This is where I’ll need you to insert that cat of yours (so brilliant), sir. What the fuck…

  2. For some reason I got the mental image of somebody sliding along the shiny floor in socks in bright red socks, zooming out the door, and ending up electrified (electrocuted?) in that big pretty pool … is it wrong that I can’t stop giggling?

  3. A statesman is a diplomatic host to dignitaries, business envoys and fellow visiting statesmen. You see this as an extravagant accommodation for one man but consider what it looks like as an accommodation for travelling dignitaries. Doesn’t exactly paint us in a good light. I think we’re missing the bigger picture here.

    • the house is not a diplomat motel, they are accommodated their accommodation arrangements are made by their embassies. And Dep Rep wont even live there!!! And having such an extravagant house for a struggling country paints us in a very bad picture.

    • Yeah and then the dignitaries take a tour of Kibera nearby, what do you think runs through their minds at such a huge contrast. If it was up to me these people would remain in their houses, no transport and allowance and a salary 100,000 max. The rest we can use to pay teachers, nurses and other meaningful civil servants. Out of curiosity would you rather be rich in a poor nation or poor in a rich nation? Take your time before answering and compare Scandinavian nations versus the great Ol’ US of A or Kenya.

  4. It’s only gonna add up to 500 billion, cmon now not soo bad. Plus he don’t even have to live in it. Ameshinda kweli.

  5. Gotta love Sarcasm. Isn’t it a shame, it’s not acceptable as a skill/personal attribute in your resume, or in the language proficiency section. You keep up the humor, and this site will be flooded

  6. son une vrai honte quand ils biseautent même le salarié les Professeurs et les fonctionnaires. obtenez vrai et arrêterez toute cette mani pulation!

    • Trust me, he will tell you nothing, the tyranny of numbers plus IEBC WILL BE THERE TO MAKE SURE HE WINS and the supreme court will confirm the win,so do not wait for any explaination you do not matter my friend

  7. Regular people will always be regular people, slaves to the few who rule because they see the big picture. In today’s culture of global activism driven by people who have no clue whats going on behind the curtain will leave the masses in far worse conditions than they already are. I’m not saying our leaders are saints but the world is about to surfer a far worse fate in the hands of short-sited mob leadership. The comments on this page are a stark reminder of that.

  8. Quite an interesting read. How sad that citizen can be taken for granted by the people that they trust to look after their well being. However, that said, we need concrete facts. Like documents stating the exact figures and quotations of the renovations before we can judge so harshly.

  9. Pingback: This one is about mendacity. | Kai Ni Kii?

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