Ruto’s Mansion NEEDS Those Renovations

You guys! Look at this house!

Be honest. You think it’s a piece of sh*t too, yeah?

It’s horrible the conditions they’re making our Deputy President live in. I mean, it’s a 10 acre, half a billion shilling house with two 3-bedroom maisonettes as servants’ quarters. What type of shoddy living conditions are those? And then when our Deputy President who’s cried tried so hard for Kenyans asks for a measly 100 or so million shillings to renovate the place, we all get angry? Why? I think he’s earned the right to allocate money that could buy dialysis machines and renovate 100 schools to pimpin’ his pad, don’t you? And if you’re mad at 100M, wait till you find out the real cost of those renovations is actually close to 200M. You’ll lose your heads!

But what are these renovations, you may be asking? Well, I’ll let our Dep Prez walk you through the main ones*.

Initially, he wanted bullet proof windows. But he’s compromising because he loves Kenya. Why are the windows such a big deal? Well, there’s a possibility that a gunman will somehow manage to get into the premises, even though there’s an army facility across the road (gunmen are soooo darn crafty). Then this gunman will immediately start shooting out the windows because those crafty gunmen know that Ruto has a no shoes policy in the house. That’s the easiest way to paralyze people in the house. Once he gets them to cut their pedicured feet on the glass, they may get tetanus and the gunman will deny them treatment.

For reals. Because 1. Then he can see that crafty gunman before he gives them tetanus. And then for 2. if Dep Prez decides to throw a pimpin’ party at his pad, he can watch all the action from his bedroom. Never mind that they already budgeted for CCTV in the initial construction and in the second renovation. WE NEEDS MORE CAMERAS! Don’t ask questions, just start filming. Only good things happen when you start rolling the tape, right Shaq?

And Shaq knows what he’s talking about. That guy used to be a genie.

Look at those floors! Do they look shiny to you? WELL THEY NEED TO BE BRILLIANT! How else is Dep Prez supposed to justify wearing sunglasses in the house if the floors don’t blind you? Be considerate. How is he supposed to slide around barefoot? He’d need to wear socks to slide on the floors in their current condition. Take those tilings out and put in something smoother and shinier and more awesome. These ones smell like Kalonzo’s socks.

Look, y’all. I know they already had this budgeted in the initial 400 million. I realize that. And I realize if you’ve been by the house that you can already see some laser and/or electric fencing. HOWEVER, look at the swimming pool area. Why isn’t it fenced? Look at the outdoor barbecue lounge grounds: do they look fenced? What about that 50 car parking lot? Anything shocking about it?

Stop asking silly questions and FENCE THAT SH*T!

Why don’t you guys care about Ruto, man? Yes, we realize the guy doesn’t even plan on living in this house. Yes, it’s almost a guarantee that this will cost more than 100 million, bringing the current cost of the house to .5 billion (that we know of). Yes, this is coming from your taxes at a time when we’re a few billion over budget. Yes, this house was renovated less than a year ago. Yes, to all your complaints. They’re all valid.

But what about Dep Prez? He’s watching Big Baks get a 250 Million office and our current President settling back into the family homestead. Why can’t he make his own mark in our economic plight? Instead, you want him to just sit there in his existing mansion and feel like he’s been Raila’d.

And by his own people.

This is the type of sh*t that makes Ruto sad.

#PimpDepPrezPad, yo!

*This may be satirical and sarcastic but these are the real listed renovations requested.