That Ain’t Yo Man, Woman!

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Every few months I come across this exact scenario.

A gorgeous, brilliant, awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping woman will walk her weepy self into a group of “close friends” and share her woes. It’s always something to do with this man she perceives as perfect. Being the skeptic I am, it usually takes me all of 23 seconds to immediately realize this guy is scum. Anyhow, she goes on dreaming about said perfect person until she gets to this line:

“…but he’s in a relationship.”

And then the weeping continues.

Every now and again, I get inspired to gently pick her pretty little head out of the pity pillow that is her lap, wipe the tears away with my thumb, apologize and then ask someone to slap her.

Dear sad woman, I get it. Seriously, I do. This man, he understands you. He appreciates you. He weaves his way through every nook and cranny of your damaged, hurt heart and eases the ache. He holds you and you feel at home and he loves you like no one can.

unfair

I’m sure his girlfriend or wife says the same thing.

The difference between you and her is he didn’t choose you. And never will. You, my dear, are a beautiful distraction. You’re not a side chick. Oh no. You’re lower on the food chain. You’re a crash test dummy, a test swatch of paint, the toss-away sampler of cologne, an anonymous bleep in an empty soul that sounds good for the few seconds it echoes before turning into nothingness.

And the worst thing about it: you know this. You won’t admit it. But you know it. Deep down you think it every time a message goes unanswered, every time he walks out to pick the phone and comes back a few degrees colder, a few miles more distant, you see it. You feel it. You hold it in and then go to your friends and weep about it.

why would you hate me

And I sit there watching you. I’m not judging you. Like I said, I understand. You probably saw him love someone so wholly that you wanted to feel the same thing.

I had this conversation with one of my closest, oldest friends many years ago. She had children, a promising career, infinite potential and had most of her shit together. Except this one guy. He walked into her life with a mouth full of promises and a mind full of dreams that he milled through his mind and wove with his words into illusions that she fell in love with. Even when the glaring truth was visible, the much more attractive lie’s allure was irresistible. She could see through the BS. But she wanted to believe. She wanted to hope. She wanted to be loved. She needed him and he knew it. She needed everything he was giving. So he gave it to her in every sense of the phrase. He spewed her a dream and then walked away and when the smoke cleared, he was gone.

It doesn’t matter if he did love her for those few moments, months or years. It didn’t matter that he said he did. It didn’t matter that he acted like he did. What mattered, the only thing that mattered, is that he was not her man.

jay

You know what the real kicker is? He told her as much. He expressly said “I love you but can’t be with you.” And yet for one reason or another, she hoped he could be with her. In spite of everything.

Here’s my question to you, ladies who may relate to this: why? Why would you want to be with such a guy? Because if you are that special to him, imagine how much he cares for the woman that actually got him to commit. And then imagine that he cheated on her, with you. Then try and think what must’ve been going through his head when he did that and STILL chose to be with her.

ouch

Even on the off chance he chose you and left her, he’d likely eventually leave you under fairly similar circumstances.

If you’re wondering how I know all this, it’s because I used to be that guy. And though it haunts me to this day and I want to dole out apologies as sincere as I never was, I realize there is no real place for it. I also realize that that man you think you’re with knows this too. He knows just what he’s doing to you and yet he does it.

im a whore

We all want to be special. Few things are more endearing than beating all the odds. Even fewer things are more romantic. But even less things are more stupid.

Don’t get me wrong. Romance exists. Love is real. These magical things do happen. But not like this. They’re waiting to happen between you and the guy you’re snubbing while diddling with Mr. Somebody Else.

You’re fighting the wrong battle, ma. That ain’t yo man.

12 thoughts on “That Ain’t Yo Man, Woman!

  1. I was telling this lady friend of mine that love when not mutual creates an imbalance..the man will use or rather the one in love will always feel loved…and there is that part in us that cheats us the other person will change…yet as you said..He knows just what he’s doing to you and yet he does it..smell the coffee woman

  2. Some things are easier to see from the outside, what with hindsight having 20-20 vision and all that. It’ll sink in eventually. Hopefully before too much damage is done.

  3. And there’s the thrill of doing something wrong…it can really make one lose focus of the more important things like loyalty and trust

  4. I was that girl. And when you are that girl, even a hard hitting read such as this one cannot speak to you. It is like an addiction. Unless you want out YOURSELF, no one can get you out. My problem, which I believe is the problem of others in this situation, was a low self esteem. After working through my issues with the help of a ‘life coach’, I now have a healthy self esteem, and you wouldn’t catch me dead selling myself short. I know my worth.

    As someone once tweeted, it’s not that you are good enough to be the other woman, it is that you are NOT good enough to be THE woman. Sadly, someone has to get themselves out of it. No matter how much you care, they can only help themselves. My sis and my friends tried but only I could myself out of it.

    You speak the truth. Good hearing it from a guy’s view point.

  5. Preach… Honestly though it’s a whole different experience when a man chooses you and chooses to be with you and affirms you as his woman… Makes you wonder why you chose this in the past…. Like @browneyedgal said maybe being THE woman is far fetched then but you gotta just open your eyes..

  6. Talk about shooting the horse … “The difference between you and her is he didn’t choose you. And never will. You, my dear, are a beautiful distraction. You’re not a side chick. Oh no. You’re lower on the food chain. You’re a crash test dummy, a test swatch of paint, the toss-away sampler of cologne, an anonymous bleep in an empty soul that sounds good for the few seconds it echoes before turning into nothingness.”

  7. Sometimes there is no other woman, as is my case. If it comes to hurting you knowingly,it really doesn’t matter whether there is any other woman or not. So when a lady is looking out for themselves, do not just avoid men with other women, avoid men who are keen to hurt you just because they know that you love them.
    I wasn’t of a low self esteem then, and now that I have left him, without really speaking it, I still am not of low self esteem.

  8. But we are all wise enough to figure out that this has been going on long before we were born and will continue long after we are gone. And it happens everywhere in the world. Only difference is time zones and languages. Some learn. Some not so much.

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