#RaphLove: The Definition of Trespass

Tujuane
Credit: #KOT

I’m sure by now, you’ve all heard the nasty stories about this blog’s good friend Rapho aka Tuju aka Raph Lover.

The short version of it is that Ogunda(this guy who got booted from the police for somehow money laundering) found his way into Raph Lover’s house wife which led to Raph filing for divorce. Around the same time, Ogunda also started filing for divorce from his wife as well. Anyway, after a few more back and forths in court for Raph Lover and Ogunda, Ogunda was found dead one morning in Raph Lover’s house.

When asked what he thought of the situation, Raph responded by saying:

“There was an existing court order that barred him (Mr Ogunda) from going to any of my premises and it’s unfortunate his death occurred at my premises.”

That’s just gangsta. The guy that was ploughing your wife just died in your house in an obvious murder and your reaction is the legalese version of “Well, that negro shouldna been there in the first place, let alone die there.” Continue reading

Brazilians Don’t Play With Their Football

I’ve been saving for a few years to go to Brazil for the World Cup next year.

But I changed my mind when I read this the other day:

Screen Shot 2013-07-09 at 7.54.43 AM

Let’s go through all the levels of insanity here. The referee stabbed a player? Really? That’s a thing now?

Ref: “Red Card!”
Player: “F**k you! You can’t make me get off the pitch!”
Ref: “I’ll make you get off this EARTH!”
*stab stab*

I’m wondering how bad do football games get that refs have to walk around with shanks? Continue reading

That Ain’t Yo Man, Woman!

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Every few months I come across this exact scenario.

A gorgeous, brilliant, awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping woman will walk her weepy self into a group of “close friends” and share her woes. It’s always something to do with this man she perceives as perfect. Being the skeptic I am, it usually takes me all of 23 seconds to immediately realize this guy is scum. Anyhow, she goes on dreaming about said perfect person until she gets to this line:

“…but he’s in a relationship.”

And then the weeping continues. Continue reading

Police, Peace and the Price of Freedom

This story may sound familiar to many of you.

The other day, a promising rapper was on matatu doing what promising rappers on matatus do: commuting.

panda train

The matatu conductor, like 99% of workers in the not-necessarily-formal sector of transport, was not in uniform and the driver was probably being an idiot.

Speaking of idiots, there was also a cop somewhere in the mix. Continue reading

Ruto’s Mansion NEEDS Those Renovations

You guys! Look at this house!

ruto house

Be honest. You think it’s a piece of sh*t too, yeah?

It’s horrible the conditions they’re making our Deputy President live in. I mean, it’s a 10 acre, half a billion shilling house with two 3-bedroom maisonettes as servants’ quarters. What type of shoddy living conditions are those? And then when our Deputy President who’s cried tried so hard for Kenyans asks for a measly 100 or so million shillings to renovate the place, we all get angry? Why? I think he’s earned the right to allocate money that could buy dialysis machines and renovate 100 schools to pimpin’ his pad, don’t you? And if you’re mad at 100M, wait till you find out the real cost of those renovations is actually close to 200M. You’ll lose your heads!

But what are these renovations, you may be asking? Well, I’ll let our Dep Prez walk you through the main ones*. Continue reading

This is a Bad Time to Be Raila Odinga…or is it?

Raila complaints

Credit: Daily Nation

The other day, I was on a KQ flight from Abidjan to Nairobi and the air hostess announced that our former Honorable Prime Minister was on board as well.

Somebody near me immediately squawked out “Haiya! We’re with a VIP?” and the people laughed.

I couldn’t help but feel bad for Rao. People either know you and mock you, love you and can’t help you, or don’t know you and don’t care. Continue reading