On Legalizing Illegal Brews and Making Kenyans Alcoholic Mogwais

There’s some ridiculous new bill prancing about the polished floors of Parliament trying to see it can raise as many votes as it does eyebrows and middle fingers. It’s the new Alcohol Bill that I will hereforth refer to as “The Pint Plan”.

Why am I giving it a silly name? Well, because it seems that the authors of this particular legislation were hellbent on making everything as ridiculous as possible. However, they got so engrossed in making the actual details of the bill outlandish, that they forgot to give it a catchy, silly name.

You’re welcome, by the way.

Now, as a disclaimer – before readers get angsty and pissy about anything written below – getting information – concrete facts, that is – about this bill is like trying trying to get an intelligent statement out of George Bush Jr., very difficult. Anyway, as is my understanding, this is essentially what the bill means. Continue reading

Arrest Wives of Illicit-Brew Drinkers

So 13 stupid men died and several others lost their eye-sight last week after consuming some brew whose ingredients may be found in a nuclear bomb. I don’t feel jack shit! And even if that number would have hit a million, I wouldn’t care either. Had the government called it a national crisis and declared a national day of mourning, I would have given them the finger and taken the first flight to Poland to mourn a president I didn’t know.

I can’t stand drunkards.

And to all those that consumed that shit and keep consuming it, eff you all! I have no sympathy for you whatsoever. To that guy in Kawangware who on National Television said that he takes that sickening crap because he earns Ksh.350 and has five kids and a wife, I have one thing to say, ‘I’ll buy you a rope if you promise to hang yourself.’

How the consumption of illicit brew has gone on for so many years, while hundreds have lost their lives is just damning. The latest incident in Shauri Moyo should give the government reason enough to take more stringent measures to not only curb this menace, but make it look like it never existed in the first place.

I recommend two things:

Shoot to Kill: When a man loses his capacity to work, his ability to provide to his family by virtue of his hard work or theft, his capability to bear children, his eyesight and his very character and stature in society, all these at his own volition and.., at an expense? That to me is tantamount to a grievous crime. Such a man should be shown no mercy, whatsoever. He should be executed without trial. I suggest the effective, trigger-happy Administration Police be appointed this task. Going by the fact that such a man is ever high and never in touch with his immediate environment, attests to the fact that he has no desire to live. His escapist mentality that prevents him from working out his problems like we all painstakingly do, does not in anyway contribute to the growth of our ailing economy. The fact that he chooses.., yes chooses, in fact pays,  to go blind only means that Vision 2030 is nowhere within his sights. And NO! I will not recommend any alcohol rehab to an adult who consumes illicit liquor made from methanol and sewage. Even dogs no better than to drink some shit!

Arrest Wives of Illicit Brew Drinkers: I have been there. I know what it is like to live with a drunk, to feed his evil, to not share a bed with him when you’re supposed to and finally to get bartered by him.  And by the way things were going; I would have shot him in the head. Sense prevailed and I took him to the police station myself. Never came back to my life.

In short, any woman – mother, daughter, grandmother, sister, aunt, and niece – who has a husband that habitually consumes illicit brew should be arrested and charged with harboring a criminal. The public should no longer watch with sympathy when an old woman from Gatanga constituency complains that her husband cannot make love to her, cannot get her pregnant, cannot control his bladder and therefore urinates in bed, and cannot work making his wife the bread winner of the family, if not the head of the household. No way!

I’ll say it here and clear. Those women choose to be with their useless husbands. Okay? Don’t get it twisted. You shouldn’t feel a morsel of sympathy. Don’t cry with them. Get them arrested. And once they appear before a judge, they can tell us why they are still with their husbands if those men are clearly adding no value to the family.

The fact that these wives sustain themselves and their husbands’ drinking habits, without government support, goes to show that they are capable of taking care of their children without the nagging nuisance of an embarrassing husband whose decorum can be rivaled by a hyena.

Therefore, if any wife goes ahead to defend her illicit-brew drinking husband’s habits, she too should be subjected to recommendation no. 1 as mentioned above.

And in conclusion, you are free to add, here below, any other harsh yet effective recommendations that are likely lead to instant death.