HOW TO BE A MODERN DAY CHURCH MEMBER IN KENYA – The Complete Guide

This post is dedicated to Kenyan Christians, especially those who continue to make a reasonable living out of their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, by praying for them and rendering other ‘Godly’ services that would otherwise be considered free.

It is also dedicated to the Christians who have put all their faith and trust in their church leaders, never questioning their cheerleader’s actions and faithfully following their teachings like blind sheep (by Jove! Could that be where the word ‘flock’ comes from?)

But it is also dedicated to you who’s having a hard time choosing a church where you can worship, as if God suffers Multiple Personality Disorder. Like really, what part of ‘the same yesterday, today and forever’ do you not understand? Continue reading

True Blood – A Kenyan Pint

The Arunga/Hellon story just won’t go away courtesy of our bold, authoritative i-know-what-you-did-last-summer media and  of course, yours truly. So we keep talking about it, in the elevator, on the jav, and over coffee in Java. Yet, we still have questions : Why is she doing this? Does she have a mental disorder? How could she sue her parents? What is that cult church all about? As usual, I have no answers either. But I can draw parallels; learned how to in math class, somewhere along my formal education. But I digress.

What I’m I saying? I think I can identify with this whole real life drama by drawing similarities from the HBO Television drama, True Blood.

Just to break it down for you, in case you haven’t watched the series.

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Esther Arunga Timberlake: The Beginning of The End

While most Kenyans are sitting at home watching the drama unfold screaming “cult”, “stupid girl” amongst other blurts, I’m trembling in fear of what this means for the future of our country.

For those of you who are not up to speed, here’s a quick summary. This news anchor, lawyer, TV personality lady was supposed to marry this guy. They both went to this church, run by this pastor, saxophonist, presidential candidate dude. So this dude also had this friend who liked that news lady. Supposedly, that had nothing to do with the pastor cancelling the lady’s wedding to this guy and instead hooking her up with this friend. Anyhow, at some point, they all got arrested, except for that guy, but he was already out of the picture.

As of yesterday, the lady and the friend are supposedly married. We fail to see how as the friend is still in jail and the lady and her pastor, saxophonist are not.

Oh, and one last thing. This lady is suing her parents for 300million.

The lady is Esther Arunga Timberlake, the guy is Wilson Malaba, the preacher, saxophonist, quasi-pimp is Joseph Hellon, and his friend is Quincy Zuma Wambiti Timberlake. They are all members of The Finger of God Ministries. But these details are irrelevant.

In fact, although although furiously entertaining, it’s all extremely irrelevant. The only thing worth noting about the matter is how great an impact this will have on Kenya.

While we sit and speculate, Esther Arunga is laying the foundation for a new breed of celebrity: the type of person who’s famous for being infamous. Continue reading