AGNES, YOU’RE THE MAN!

Dear Agnes,

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, OH MY GOD!"

Consider this your 1,000,000^th fan mail. Yup, you’re my winner!! Actually, you stole my heart. You captured my attention and captivated my mind while Ciku busted you on live national radio. Seriously girl, you did it! Whatever your reasons, you courageously stepped into male territory and did what a man would do and not get the kind of heat coming your way – you cheated and got caught.

In so doing, you single-handedly decreased the gender disparity in this country. It’s like when a female MP outdoes her male counterpart by rigging a parliamentary election and wins. See if the guy had rigged and won, and a few lives were lost in the process it wouldn’t be that bad. He’s a man, it’s understandable, right? But given that his female nemesis rigged, won and left a few IDPs in the wake of her victory then it looks nasty and not many people like her. So you understand why majority of the people that called Maina the following morning were male. All that unnecessary negative energy they were spewing on the airwaves was not really anger but an inherent fear that has finally caught up with the male folk – the woman is taking over. ‘She’s capable of doing the same things we do – both good and bad. She’s filled up the MBA class, she’s the CEO at work, she’s driving the VX and she’s running the home perfectly while I drink my life away. But she said she could do bad all by herself. Oh my God, I just hope she’s not cheating on me like I’m cheating on her.’ Agnes, quite literally, you’re the man. And this is how:

You cheated

You’re not the first person to cheat on your spouse. People have cheated on their husbands and wives from way back and I can bet you my next paycheck that it’s the husbands that started it. I don’t know what the present day stats are like, but you can bet me your next pay check (oh wait, you probably don’t have a job now)  mmhh.., you know what since Christmas is around the corner, I’ll bet you my bonus that the guys still top the charts of most adulterous partners in marriage. All you did by cheating was to prove that wives can and will continue to do it as well as the guys do.

You got caught

Things just have a way of catching up with the best of us. CIA, FBI, IRA and Ciku all rely on our sloppiness, our sheer gullibility to walk into the simplest traps and get caught. By the way I applaud your unsuccessful effort at doing what you learnt best from the guys – deny, deny, deny. The only problem is you forgot the third deny, so yours was more like ‘deny, deny oh my God.’ Next time, if there will be a next time, remember the third deny. Very important. Even if you get caught butt naked on the bathroom floor, just say it wasn’t you.

You didn’t use protection

Child, cheating should not earn you a venereal disease. Okay I know lots of married guys do it without a rubber and many have infected their wives with HIV. The difference is their wives stick with them, nurse them, bury them (the wives always outlive their husbands, you will too) and carry forth their husbands’ name, faithfully. Unfortunately, and this is the double standard those Classic 105 call-ins reiterated, husbands won’t stick with their wives once they know their wives have infected them HIV. They’re too small-minded and short sighted to do so. Sweetheart, next time (I have a feeling there will be a next time) please, for the love of holy matrimony, use a rubber. Adopt cheating as any unfaithful man would. Cheating for a man is like a cheap high. It doesn’t last long, but it sure feels good. For him it is a boost to his deflated ego. It is a chance to redeem himself when he feels he’s sunk so low that toilet flies wouldn’t buzz around his ego for fear that they may slowly become extinct like him. Remember that chapter in Trapped in the Closest when R. Kelly goes like “Oh my God, a rubber!”.., I’d say the Pied Piper was relieved to have found out that his woman was considerate enough to use a condom.

"I'm just glad I found a rubber in the sheets love. You're so considerate. I'll even sing about it"

This too shall pass

When guys are caught cheating, they don’t beat themselves over for getting caught. In fact, they justify their actions and I bet you have a very good reason why you cheated on your husband with your boss. (next time let it not be your boss, coz then you lose your job again.) See Agnes, when husbands justify their adultery, they say selfish heartless shit like “You’re not that good in bed baby, You’ve really grown fat, You don’t understand the power of deo (heard that on Classic 105 this morning…, LOL!) By saying all this selfish and hurtful stuff, the busted husband projects his guilt on his wife and makes it look like it’s his wife’s fault he cheated. It works! So in your case really you can say anything to absolve yourself from whatever guilt you feel. You won’t be the first. Whatever you say, make reference to  penile size challenge, oncoming ED, financial incapability and other things that touch on his ego. This will have three results. One, it will get him off your back (you need time to heal and reorganize your mind, what will all the confusion). Two, it will make him feel guilty and then he’ll probably kill you. Three, (and this is pushing it) you will eventually get him to pay more attention to you. Don’t let this little incident eat you up inside. You’re not the first, and certainly not the last.

Tell me who? Who's fooling who? Are you fooling the country or am I fooling you?

Agnes, you stepped out of the realm of femininity and adopted a trait that is considered masculine or rather reserved for the other species called man, or if you like – husband. Quite literally.., you’re the man. And I can’t wait for the weekend when I’ll raise my glass to you and shout “TO AGNES!!”

As for those self-righteous folks who’ll keep stressing about what you did all year long, I’d suggest they buy one of these cards once they get over themselves.

Update: On 12th July 2011, Agnes spoke to Classic 105 to set the record straight about her infidelity. She alluded to a poor sexual relationship with her husband, one in which she was not satisfied. She sought the sexual pleasure she craved by sleeping with her boss. Agnes regrets losing her job and having to move out of her home, saying she was “selfish” and “wasn’t thinking” about what she was doing. However, she has since reconciled with her husband. They are seeing a marriage counselor together and are working out their problems. We wish them all the best.